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its not getting easier

(26 Posts)
RoTo72 Mon 04-Jan-16 23:49:31

6 weeks ago today I found out my baby's heart stopped. I would be 17 weeks pregnant today too. Some.days I'm ok, but in the whole, it's no easier. My heart is still aching for my baby. I believe she was a girl, even though I haven't had pathology back. Iv done so much to try and move on, I don't want to forget her, but id like to be able to live, to sleep, to eat, to leave the house without freaking out. I literally can't move on. Its on my mind 100% of the time. I'm living on auto-pilot in my good days, and iv a 15yr old son, so I have to pretend for his sake. Iv stopped caring about everything, haven't been back to work, haven't phoned my friends, even stopped answering the phone on my bad days. I just can't go on like this. Gave been prescribed anti-depressants but I'm too anxious and sad to even try them. Waiting 4 weeks on counselling and nothing thru yet, tho I know with the holidays everything running late. I really feel counselling would be good for me as iv so much built up inside, I don't think numbing it with meds will help in the long run. Sorry for rant, don't even know what I expect to get out of this . Have written down my experience but was on one note so don't even know how to share, r where to share

JoMalones Tue 05-Jan-16 00:21:40

Oh Ro thanks I know exactly how you feel and could have written your post myself. Today AF arrived and I finally got a -ve preg test.
I just can't seem to get past what has happened. My world has stopped and I don't like it. My phone is full of unanswered messages and I couldn't care less.

Are there any local charities to you that offer counselling? I know near us there is (although I think they have a waiting list too). Do you know anyone in RL who has been through this? I've found no one understands unless they've experienced it, unfortunately I know a few people who have been through it and their support has been invaluable.

Do you work or have any hobbies? Maybe just doing something that is normal routine may break the constant cycle of feeling sad and make you concentrate on something else, even just for an hour.

RoTo72 Tue 05-Jan-16 00:36:20

Jo its awful isn't it? The only friend I know who has been thru this has 7 children, she's way too busy to be here for me. She is also my best friend. Hers was between her 4th and 5th children. I used to be quite active, spin, walking, Pilates. I also cooked, baked cakes. Can barely muster up the enthuasim to shower r phone take away for my son. I need to.change, I know that. I just don't know how.

JoMalones Tue 05-Jan-16 00:47:14

I had no idea how bad it was until this last month. I also put on a load of weight with the pregnancy, after the mc I packed up the maternity clothes but then realised I had nothing to wear as I had gone up 2 sizes. My body is an empty shell that's carrying an extra stone. I'm getting exhausted just going up the stairs though and tbh I really have no motivation. I just want to stay in bed all day. My poor DC don't understand so try to make an effort but these awful hormones don't help.

I know exactly what you mean about ADs too. DP and I had that exact conversation as I've found it worse since being off codeine which gave me a lovely fuzzy feeling and helped me sleep. I had a few glasses of wine which confirmed that as much as I would like to be in a fog throughout this, I know it wouldn't work and therefore AD or any other type of medication won't be the right solution for me.

I'm sorry I don't know names of charities but it may be worth looking in the miscarriage association website as they might have some links as it sounds like you could really benefit from counselling.

You will get through this, there is another side, this is an awful part of the grieving process though. I've been told to just take one day at a time. Today I am better than I was a week ago and I need to focus on that things are getting better, they may not seem like it, it may not be moving at the speed I want but compared to a few days or a week ago, I am slightly better.

I hope you get some sleep tonight

RoTo72 Tue 05-Jan-16 01:02:25

Thank you. A week ago i was better than today l. I had put a lot of weight on this last two yrs, I'm 5'1" and went to over 11st. I stopped smoking and started cooking. I joined slimming world in August and l lost a lot of weight, about 2st by the time I found out I was pregnant. Iv lost a lot more since miscarriage, even tho I'm eating crap. But I might only eat a proper meal every other day. I actually lost my engagement ring on new years day because of the weight I lost. I hate everything at the min, even food. And wine!! Cant even be arsed drinking. On Nye I went to bed after 11. I usually love my food and wine. Iv lost interest in everything. I now eat when I'm dizzy

JoMalones Tue 05-Jan-16 01:20:49

I think you really need to go back to your GP and pushed to be seen sooner. Are you at least taking multivitamins? With all the blood loss etc you are probably lacking which is going to make you feel even more rotten.

Have you found your ring yet? I stopped smoking years ago but almost bought a pack today. I know what you mean about cba, I drunk the wine with the sole reason to feel numb but I didn't actually want it if that makes sense?

Could you try a Pilates class again? Just to see if you can enjoy it? Or if you're feeling angry a spin class?!

RoTo72 Tue 05-Jan-16 01:47:57

Haven't found ring. Tbh its the least of my worries.iv an exercise bike at home, maybe give that a go to get myself motivated. Dr has been great but really know what else she could do. Got a call on Thursday from Belfast Hub which is an umbrella counselling service, the one Dr referred They were v nice and said they could help but at least a 4 week waiting list.

SaggingTits Tue 05-Jan-16 02:02:35

It's normal to be up and down, fine one week and not the next etc. It can take a very long time to heal. Definitely consider antidepressants if things get too much. I know what you mean about worrying they'll mask problems but sometimes it's the only option to make you a happier person, partner, mother and friend

Loki17 Tue 05-Jan-16 07:10:29

Gave you tried contacting a charity called saying goodbye? They helped a friend of mine through a loss.

RoTo72 Tue 05-Jan-16 07:13:54

Iv never heard of them Loki. I will look them up.

Loki17 Tue 05-Jan-16 07:48:51

I went to a fund raising event for them just after my bfp. My friend had organised it because they helped her through two losses. I'm so sorry you are going going through this after every thing else. I've waited so long for things to start and the hospital have been so crap, I just feel like the only thing keeping me together is the thought that I am going to be ok. I'm forcing myself up and trying to be normal. I'm scared I'm going to end up crashing, but, at the minute all I ha e to click g on to is being ok, getting healthy and trying again. I'm going to try a night without wine tonight.

RoTo72 Tue 05-Jan-16 08:33:25

I do have good days. Yesterday was particularly bad. Physically I'm fine, had first AF last week and it wasn't near as bad as I expected. I just need to make those good days more frequent. My eyes r raw today from crying most of the night and Id little to no sleep. My son is back to school today after the holidays, I think Il get ready and bring the dogs to the park. Going to phone work later and have a chat with my boss with an go back in next few of weeks. Iv barely left the house and that isn't helping. 5urs ago I was diagnosed with SAD so the dark winter days aren't helping. Usually I look forward to the summer, this yr I don't know if I can, as baby should have been here in June. I need to give myself a shake. Thank you for listening x

Loki17 Tue 05-Jan-16 09:13:30

I've insisted we book a holiday abroad. We've never been abroad as dd is only 4 and the thought of a Spanish poolside holiday with a toddler who can't sit still always filled me with dread. She will be nearly 5 this year though so she should be fine. I need this summer to be completely different to how I pictured it with my baby. The due date is going to be so hard so I need something else to focus on. Ive taken the week off work. I'm bleeding and it is getting heavier. I can't be there right now. My mil told me I'm entitled to a therapeutic return where by I go back part time on full pay. I'm considering that. Might something like that work for you? Grief and depression are both very different. With grief, you can, eventually, force yourself to push on but with depression you can't. Make sure that you listen to your doctor. My SIL had a low dose of ad's and they made such a difference to her. She found that they lifted her just enough to be able to cope. Good luck and I hope you get some councilling soon. I had CBT for an eating disorder a few years ago and it was life changing. xxxx

RoTo72 Tue 05-Jan-16 10:23:52

I only work mornings anyway. But just off phone to boss, he has been brilliant. I'm going to see him tomorrow. I'm putting another line in for a few weeks but wee going to organise a phased return. He told me not to come back to I'm ready, but I'm hoping with Ciaran back to school I can start and get into a bit of a routine. Get out of the house more and go back.

smellsofelderberries Tue 05-Jan-16 12:59:02

Ro, I'm so sorry you're feeling so terrible. I had a month off over Christmas, 2 weeks actual holiday but was signed off for two weeks with stress at beginning of December as started spotting at 6 weeks. I went back to work yesterday and cried leaving the house, called my Mum and had a cry before getting to work, but by the end of the day I felt 1000x better. Today I am tired but being out of the house is helping much more than I thought (added bonus-am now not stressing over money as I'm back to earning). Going for an ERPC on Friday so will have a few more days off next week but really believe getting back to normal life is the thing that's keeping me together. We have something planned every weekend this month too. I think about this little one I'm about to loose almost every minute, but being at work and seeing friends is reminding me that this is not going to define who I am as a person. It's just a shitty experience I've had.

Also, I have been on anti-depressants for years and upped my dose a month ago. If you find the right ones you won't feel like you're in a fog, they should actually make you feel lighter and your head clearer. I would seriously suggest giving them a go. They should make life a little bit easier and once you're back into a routine and functioning better you can wean off them (with the help of your GP).

Ellieboolou27 Tue 05-Jan-16 13:09:46

So sorry to hear of your loss, I know exactly how you feel as I lost my little boy at 21 weeks pregnant back in 2005. I had to give birth too and it took me a very long time to recover so be gentle on yourself. Arc and sands are very good charities (they have online forums too), I used them a lot in the first six months of losing him. I can recommend anti depressants as I went on them after losing my son, there is nothing wrong with giving them a try as where you are now is a very dark place and people expect you to be fine after a month or so. He was my first child and pregnancy and I was sick with grief, I believed I would never have a child as six months later I had a missed miscarriage, five years on I have two beautiful daughters, 3 year old and 4 month old and it was only when I stopped trying to get pregnant that I conceived. Do try looking at ARC and Sands websites as they have some fantastic support and advise. I wish you gentle thoughts, there is no time limit to grief so don't put pressure on yourself to be "normal" flowers

redstrawberries101 Fri 08-Jan-16 16:58:50

I've finally found the miscarriage section of the site. I use the app on my phone and it's not very easy to navigate.

I recognise some of you from the July thread and it's so very sad that so many of us have to go through this. I know they say it's very common but there seems so little awareness of the subject and I never knew until I went through it, how difficult the physical aspect of the miscarriage is.

I went into Hosp at 11 weeks expecting for a UTI that was diagnosed at the booking appt. It was multi drug resistant bug and after oral antibiotics failed they decided I needed IV antibiotics. I was admitted on New Year's Day and on Monday I was ushered away for a scan on the kidneys. My 12 week scan was booked for Friday but they said they would check the baby too. sadly the baby had stopped growing at 8+4. It was absolutely gutting but mostly I found it hard because I was on
My own when given the news (I didn't know I was going for a kidney scan)

We decided to go down the medical management route as the EPRC posed too high a risk of infection (I had my spleen removed following a pancreatic tumour in 2011). The miscarriage itself was horrendous. I was in a lot of pain for 10 hours and I saw the baby when it passed. It was fully formed with two eyes and arms and legs albeit tiny.

I was discharged from Hosp yesterday and I cried so much when leaving. I think it finally hit me emotionally as before I was busy with the physical side of it. I felt like I was leaving my little baby behind.

I don't know how I'll move on from this and how I'll get back to work and normal life. At the moment I feel very weak and dizzy and am just resting in bed. I've hardly slept as the pain is still a bit much.

I have a scan on Wednesday to check everything has passed. The last scan still showed some tissue.

I worry about how ill manage to carry on as I feel like my confidence has been totally shattered again. (After the pancreatic tumour diagnosis). I know I got through that and I will get through this too.

RoTo72 Fri 08-Jan-16 19:24:08

Aw Mel I remember you from the July thread. I'm so very sorry you find yourself here. It has been 6 weeks since my missed miscarriage and it is honestly the worst experience of my life, I'm still struggling daily to come to terms with it. All I can advice is really to take care of yourself. Go slowly, its not something you will ever forget. Allow yourself time to grieve and cry whenever you need. Be open with ur husband, I wouldn't have made it thru without john. He has been my rock. Iv only started to leave the house this week, (apart from essentials). Have been out.3days in a row. Everytime I see babies my heart aches and I just want to hold them. You will get thru it, it wont ever leave you, but the pain has to ease a bit. R u doing anything to remember your baby? Iv a couple of pieces of memorial jewellery, and oh named a star after her at Christmas for me. ❤

redstrawberries101 Fri 08-Jan-16 22:36:10

I really like the idea of naming a star. We refer to our baby as Babba but haven't given it a name as such. I was thinking I'll plant a tree through one of the charities.

Physically I feel so exhausted and weak. Emotionally I'm just trying to let myself 'be'.

RoTo72 Fri 08-Jan-16 22:51:19

On q practical side ml, get yourself some.iron supplements. I got spatone drink as its easier on your stomach.

redstrawberries101 Fri 08-Jan-16 23:03:04

I got my mum to get me some floradix from
Holland and Barrett and started that today. It's meant to be really good aswell. Thanks for that advice though - feel free to offer any others even if it's obvious. I'm such a scatter brain at the moment. Can't remember basic things.

RoTo72 Fri 08-Jan-16 23:09:25

I can remember nothing. Moody of my conversations involve the word "thingie". I think its because ur constantly thinking about the mc, its so unreal sometimes. One other thing, expect bad headaches. Almost everyone iv spoke to has experienced them. Drink plenty of water.

redstrawberries101 Sun 10-Jan-16 11:48:48

Thanks roto. How are you today?

RoTo72 Mon 11-Jan-16 22:35:06

Hi Mel. Yesterday was ok. Today a bit down. Mondays are always rotten. Was 7 weeks ago today I found out and should be 18 weeks pregnant today. Got pathology report back last week. Nothing wrong with either baby r me. Really thought id have got an explanation.

redstrawberries101 Wed 13-Jan-16 11:56:57

I think sometimes we look for answers and are more heartbroken when there isn't any. It's so tough. I had my scan this morning to check everything had passed and it had thankfully. It doesn't feel like the end of this journey because it'll live on forever in my heart.

The midwife said today that when a baby dies at 8-9 weeks it means there is something fundamentally wrong. I asked what she meant and she said there are lots of syndromes we are aware of such as downs, Edwards, etc and it must be severe for the body to expel it. And the reason why the preg symptoms carry on and you don't realise it's stopped growing is because the body does try hard to save it as well. She said I must always be thankful to this baby because it's paved the way for another healthier baby to come into my life.

For some reason I did feel comforted.

My brain is so not working - I bought a charity gift yesterday - a fruit tree and on the certificate wrote our baby's nickname plus the date I miscarried. The date I miscarried was the 5th but for some reason I've requested the 7th to be put on the certificate. I'm so cross with myself. 7th is the date I was discharged from hospital. My brain is clearly not working properly. It's so trivial but so cross with myself. Think I'll order another one now.

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