I'm supposed to be 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. We went for a private scan on Wednesday 23rd so that we could surprise our families with our happy news on Christmas eve and tell our 4 year old dd she was going to be a big sister. The scan revealed that our baby stopped growing at between 7-8 weeks. I had no indication that anything was wrong. Super strong nausea even made me think it could be twins. I never had nausea in my first pregnancy. I've struggled though the last couple of months, being sick and completely exhausted. Every day I told myself that I could handle it if it meant my baby was healthy. We had planned our surprise announcement to a tee. A special breakfast with the ils Christmas eve morning. A special tea with my parents Christmas eve night. We had special calenders made with photos of dd. We were going to attach a copy of the scan photo to the date of July 15th with a little message saying 'Due today!'. DD would give it to her grandma and nana, she would be in on the surprise. DD would make sure they looked at the July page. The grandparents would think it was because DD's birthday is in July. Every one would cry and be so surprised because we had kept it so secret. We'd even tricked mum into baby sitting so that we could have our scan. Instead, we had to tell them that there was a baby, but it had died. My dad cried. He never cries. I knew about 3 seconds after the scan had begun. I'd had a scan at 10 weeks with dd. I'd also spent the last few days googling scan pictures at 10 weeks 5 days so I knew what I was supposed to see. What was on the screen was too small. Not the right shape for 10 weeks 5 days. I burst into tears before the sonographer could even ask if I was sure of my dates. My poor dh stood there utterly confused. He didn't realise what I knew immediately. The sonographer explained every thing to him. They were so lovely. The placenta was functioning and so the blood flow made it look as though there was a flicker of a heart beat. I knew it was impossible - I can tell you the date of conception. I was tracking my cycle desperate to conceive. It just wasn't possible for the dates to be wrong. DH was momentarily given hope. They did an internal to confirm and it did. I'd lost my baby 3 weeks ago but my stupid body still thought it was pregnant. Still made me throw up. Still gave me achy boobs with blue veins all over them. Still gave me a small bump. And it was Christmas. We told our parents so that they would understand why we weren't ourselves. But, I wanted to be normal for dd so we pushed on with all of our plans. Special breakfast but without the announcement, pantomime, special tea but without the announcement. Trying to be jolly and festive because we hadn't told my brothers or dh's sisters and their partners because I didn't want to ruin Christmas. Every one came here on Christmas day. My family for breakfast, the in laws for lunch. I cooked, I threw myself into trying to give dd the Christmas we had been planning. Had a bit of a sob when I had a tiny bleed but it stopped so I ploughed on with the festivities, albeit watched very carefully by my mum and mil. By the end of Christmas day I was impressed with my own strength and then promptly fell to bits. Now I'm sat alone downstairs, we have no plans for today, no family to distract me. I'm in bits. My hospital appointment is tomorrow and I'm terrified. There will be another scan which will be awful. Mostly, I'm scared they will tell me to wait and see and I just can't. My baby has died but is still inside of me and that is just heartbreaking. I can't grieve when it is still going on can I? I'm terrified of it happening at home. I can't just flush the toilet and wash my baby into the sewer. Every time I go to the toilet I hold myself just in case my baby comes away so that I can catch it in my hand. I hate my body for not realising. I had another dmall bleed yesterday and some water came away but it all stopped again. I know that other people have it far worse than me. The two things I have been truly grateful for since all this has happened are that I have a healthy dd and that this has happened earlier rather than later in pregnancy. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but is not the worst thing that could have happened. I'm grateful for that. I keep telling dh that I'm going to allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel and that we will get through this. The truth is, I just want to wave a magic wand and make everything ok. I'm angry at myself for planning such an elaborate announcement. I almost feel like I challenged fate or something. I'm terrified of even the thought of trying again. Counting cycle days. Tracking. Peeing on a stick. I just wish this could be different.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Oh Loki 
You did marvellously giving your DD a wonderful Christmas. You should be so proud of yourself.
I'm so sorry this happened. Nothing I can say to ease the pain really. Be clear with the hospital about your options and your desire for the remains to be respected. And take all the time you need. There's no limit on grief.
So so sorry to read this Loki
I know exactly what you mean about the ongoing symptoms only to get the shock of your life at the scan. It's awful.
Oh Loki, so much of your story sounds too familiar. We found out earlier in the month. Unfortunately, we had an scan before that was happy and healthy so had told everyone, including the children. I too was convinced it was twins that they had missed at the first scan as I was huge and full of symptoms. It turns out the sac was v big which is an indicator of abnormalities. On the day of the ERPC, I was still being sick. I've had complications since and have been in and out of hospital for two weeks but I've now finished all the medication and looking forward to getting drunk tonight (will probably only take a glass).
The whole family was devastated, particularly my DS (4) and my mum. I've hated every second of Christmas and have been so hormonal (basically had to have a second procedure this week - just to warn you it is a bit like day 3 after birth). I sobbed my way around town on Christmas Eve as I had the harsh reality check that I had put on weight and none of my clothes fit, I put away he maternity clothes and bought a new wardrobe of outfits 2 sizes bigger than normal. Everything about it sucks. I'm hormonal, fat, everything I see on FB or tv is about babies and I have nothing. To top it off yesterday I had more blood from overdoing it.
Sorry to vent but that felt good to write it all down.
We chose to have the cremation done by the hospital. They will let us know when it is done as it is a communal one (something else I cried about) but something I didn't have to organise and I couldn't face bringing DD back from hospital and burying.
Good luck this week 
Thanks for sharing your story, Jo. I'm so sorry for all you have been through. It is horrendous and just so unfair. I just want it over with now. As I image you do too, the complications you have suffered are a real twist of the knife. Thank you for your post - you have been a great help and support to me on here and I'm so grateful. I am dreading going back to work too. I'm a teacher and supposed to be going back a week on Tuesday. Everyone will ask if I've had a good Christmas and I'm scared I will lose the plot.
Thanks Loki. I hope the bleeding will finally stop today. I dechristmassed the house yesterday and decluttered to make space for the mass of new toys. The children weren't in and the house feels so much better and it means we aren't stuck in the reminder of the time frame of when it all happened. I also can't wait for my cycles to be back to normal although equally dreading trying again as I can't imagine going through this again. I will need a scan every fortnight just to reassure me no doubt.
Good luck tomorrow, what happened to me is rare so don't worry. Take the painkillers offered, I liked the numbness of codeine as well for the first few days. At school just take it a lesson at a time, deflecting and asking questions back works well I've found.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Sending you so much love, Loki. I don't care that it's not the done thing in here.
It will get easier. It will hurt less. I promise.
Loki I think I remember you from a conception/July 2016 board.. I am so so sorry for your loss 
There is no words to say in this situation but I hope you have the support at the moment.
I was due July 2016 too and lost our baby last month. A lot earlier than you so I cannot begin to understand the pain of having a scan expecting good results, but I do understand the 'tempting fate' as I had thought about how we would tell DS and had thought about the future child without a possibility that anything could go wrong, after time has gone on I try to remind myself that there was probably not anything that I could have done to prevent it.
Big hugs xx
I recognise your name from various boards - so sorry this happened to you. It's nothing you did and the truth is sadly it was unavoidable and unpreventable for you.
I had a mmc at 9 weeks this summer and i won't lie it was a really shit time. I know exactly what you mean about the exhaustion of charting, counting and peeing on sticks.
Try to take comfort in your partner and daughter, and there is an overwhelmingly big chance that it was a chromosomal defect as early miscarriages often are which means there is every chance you will get there on the future when you are ready.
You sound like a hero over Christmas, just give yourself time to grieve, it is tough even when the physical side is over.
Good luck Loki. I hope today is quick and easy for you. Will be thinking of you
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