Miscarriage and the holidays

[Belfry1973]

Hi all.
I'm not sure if I'm ranting or venting or just need to talk. After 3.5 years of trying to conceive I finally got pregnant. On Friday at 16+4 I miscarried a little boy. I had no warning at all, no bleeding or stomach cramps, just a bit of back pain but then went to the loo and felt the sac start to come out. In the end it took less than an hour for the whole miscarriage. Unfortunately whilst in hospital I lost over 2 pints of blood and had surgery for a retained placenta. I have never felt anything so invasive in my whole life.

But now I'm home and we're coming up to the Christmas period and I'm feeling lost and guilty. I live 200 miles away from my family and I was going there for several days as we lost my dad suddenly at the end of June and we were getting together both to celebrate and support each other. Except I don't want to go now, the thought of trying to be cheerful and support my mum is awful. My mum doesn't even know as she was going on holiday the next day and I didn't want to spoil it.
All my partners family are coming to Manchester and he was staying here as he was working up until Christmas. But now he's saying I shouldn't be on my own on Christmas Day and to come with them. I've also had my MIL saying I'm not going to be on my own and I have to come with them. What on earth makes them feel I want to come and celebrate with them with 3 kids and a baby.
Am I being selfish? I'm still grieving over my Dad and now this. I just want to be left alone really and not feel forced into feeling festive. They all say I might have changed my mind by then but if I change it it'll be to go to my parents and I've been told to rest anyway which doesn't include long driving or train journeys. Has anyone else been through this kind of thing and how did you deal with this? I'm swinging between being angry and annoyed, sad and just wanting to be left alone.

And I'm sorry for writing an essay but it just all came out!

[Blueskies80]

Hi OP
I am so sorry for what you have been through
No real words of advice, but do what you feel comfortable with and look after yourself. Can you bring yourself to tell your family what happened and that you want a quiet time this Christmas? I was quite open about my two MCs this year and family and friends have been supportive.
It really is awful, be kind to yourself, give yourself space xxx

[Tootsiepops]

I miscarried over Xmas and new Year 2013. I was 10 weeks, so not as far along as you. I somehow managed to make it through Xmas day with my mum, plus MiL and SiL and family. They knew what was going on and let me mope, disappear, nap etc as needed. No one put any pressure on me to put any sort of face on it. Like you, I'd only lost my Dad, too and it was our first Xmas without him.

But, i'm glad they were all there when I think back on it.

Do you plan to tell your mum?

[Belfry1973]

I'll definitely be telling my mum, the saying about a girl always needing her mum is very true in my case!
I guess I'm starting to feel a little bullied about being told to go and do things and not just sit around the house on my own. The bereavement midwife is coming in the next couple of days and I'm hoping she'll be able to help me talk to my partner about letting me make my own decisions and back me up on them.

[northdownmummy]

The only advice I can give is to be kind to yourself and try to keep talking to your partner. My emotions were a roller coaster for about a month, mostly anger and tears. But even over a year on and with a new baby there are still days when I think about it and feel very sad.

[Nousername2015]

OP I'm sorry for your loss. Times of the year like Christmas only make us think of those who are not there. My baby stopped developing earlier this year around the time that my nan died and I started to miscarry at her funeral. The only way I have managed to deal with this is through receiving counselling. Open up to the midwife if you feel that you can, out of everyone around you right now she will understand best what you are going through. My dh just didn't get what I was feeling and I've seen people on here voice similar things, it's not that they don't care but I just don't think they can understand fully. You still have time to decide what you want to so next week, and do do what you want to do, people think they know what is best for you but only you can be the judge of that. It's a tough enough time of the year as it is. for you, look after yourself.

[Belfry1973]

Well everything has just about been decided for me! Due to continued stomach pain the doctor thinks I may have an infection so travel is banned and more rest prescribed. The midwife is supporting me in the view that I get to do what what I feel comfortable with.
I'm dealing with all of it better though I never thought we'd planning a funeral, choosing songs, a name, etc is heartbreaking although I think I'm putting a lot of feelings on to this.

[OTheHugeManatee]

So sorry for your loss OP Christmas is a hard time to be dealing with one loss, let alone two. Your family sounds well-meaning but I'm glad you can retreat and heal in your own space without needing to fend off well-intentioned family time.