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Frustration with insensitive comments

(12 Posts)
Faybells Tue 01-Dec-15 13:17:57

Hello all...

I just need to vent a bit. I had my first miscarriahe in july at 11.5 weeks. Was very traumatic and passed out several times due to heavy blood loss. Ended up being admitted to hospital for drips & treatment/procedure to stop bleeding. It was a horrific experience & i think im still coming to terms with what happened although i am doing much much better than i was.

I had my second miscarriage last month at only 4.5 weeks. I only knew i was pregnant for 1 week and it was all over before it began really. It was much easier to manage emotionally and physically but still upsetting and hugely disappointing.

I am really trying to be kind to myself and and feeling stronger emotionally and seeking support where i can. I am exercising and spending time with friends and family and generally feel im moving on.

But then wvery now and then i get completely side tracked by insensitive comments or chance conversations/situations and i feel im back to square 1!! I just find it so frustrating.

Last wekend at my mil some of her friends visited with their baby. I am not too comfortable holding babies yet, i admit, so i busied myself tallking to the mum as the baby passed around. Then my mil prsctically forces the baby in my arms and harps on about how i am getting broody, 'look at u getting broody', 'oh yes she is getting broody just look at her'. She wouldn't shut up!! I bit my lip and just ignored it but its been on my mind for days now and i feel so angry with her. Does she not realise how we are feeling about losing our pregnancies?? I am just gobsmacked and so angry that she wld be so insensitive.

And today, dropping my ds at preschool one of the girls is pregnant and i asked how she was and during the conversation she tells me due date is the week my first mc wld be due. And i was fine and congratulated her and discussed preps for xmas etc etc. Then went to the car and sobbed my heart out.

.i just feel so frustrayed that i feel fine and feel im moving on and then get floored by these situations still. Out of nowhere. And i feel rubbish and like i have to start all over again. And everyone expects u to be fine cos it was a few months ago. But god...its not thag simple. And i wish i coild tell people and explain. But no one really wamts to hear it. And i feel so muted.

Gah..just needed to rant to people who would understand. No advice needed....just...raaa. lol.

KittyandTeal Tue 01-Dec-15 15:11:39

Yep, it's shit. I figure that people are trying to be well meaning but I'm sick of the 'God only gives you what you're strong enough to cope with' or the 'she want meant for this earth' (I'm an atheist in a religious school)

The colleague who when bringing in her newborn to show off thought the best base woul be my classroom, despite no knowing any of the kids in there!

Allow yourself to cry and be angry. It's totally normal. I find ranting about it at someone who understands makes me feel better.

SweetAdeline Tue 01-Dec-15 15:17:22

I can't believe how insensitive your MIL is. What a cow bag.

I miscarried about a month ago at 10 weeks. I keep discovering people are pregnant at the moment and I'm finding it quite hard. I discovered someone I know has the exact same due date (as I should have had) this weekend and have felt shit since despite generally managing to not be too upset. flowers

SweetAdeline Tue 01-Dec-15 15:19:59

I meant to add, I do tell people that I'm still sad (in fact sobbed all over another friend at the weekend but alcohol played a role in that too). It does help I think and stops any upsetting comments about whether I'm ttc etc.

CwtchMeQuick Tue 01-Dec-15 15:40:10

Your MIL is horribly insensitive.

It's perfectly natural to be upset by these things. Don't force yourself to be okay before you are. Cry when you need to and be honest about your feelings

Faybells Tue 01-Dec-15 15:45:59

Thank u all. Just....GAH. you know?? I have one close friend who had a miscarriage but she is now expecting her baby 3 weeks aftee my due date. I am genuinly happy for her, i know what she has been through and i am so pleased she is doing well now. But i cant really rant to her about these struggles i still have. So i do it here....thank god for u all. Keeping me sane :-) xx

toffeeboffin Sun 20-Dec-15 18:53:00

I understand, Fay.

I hate people asking the 'Are you trying?' question. Fucking hate it. It's always the same people too, either strangers you barely know or my bloody SIL. I find it so rude. Why do people feel they can ask, it's such a private thing!

I miscarried last week, was only 5 weeks but still.

Anyway, obviously as it's Xmas we'll see SIL and if she asks, if she dares to mentions it, I know I am gonna lose the plot. People don't know we are trying and definitely will not know I miscarried.

I never ask people about their chikd-having choices, never. It's so personal, like asking people how much they earn.

I am going to stop biting my lip about it, people don't figure it out.

SimileMilly Mon 21-Dec-15 11:19:30

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I miscarried over the weekend and we told MIL yesterday. Her response: "Oh well, better luck next time". Tactless bitch.

smellsofelderberries Mon 21-Dec-15 14:57:02

Holy shit Milly shock I can't believe she said that!!

I have cancelled Christmas this year, I have been bleeding for 5 days (lightly) and our scan on Friday showed an embryo that was 2.5 weeks behind where I should be, with no heartbeat. I would love to see my MIL and FIL because they're wonderful, but that means going down to theirs and BIL and SIL are there too, and SIL is horrid, so I just can't face it. I don't want her knowing, but she knows we were trying so I can't face questions. I also pre-emptively blocked her on FB because the last time we didn't go down for Christmas I had a horrible, mean message from her sad feels childish but I need to protect myself right now.

My big sister had to best response to our sad news (she lives in Aus so this was on the phone)- she cried and cried with me. Didn't say anything, just cried and said how shitty it is. I think that's the only thing TO say.

So sorry for those of you having to deal with this terrible, isolating loss, especially at this time of year.

eastegg Tue 22-Dec-15 22:29:34

OP I can't believe your MIL! When I read the bit about her I assumed at first that she didn't know about your miscarriages! Breathtaking.

I'm completely with you on the need to vent. People can be a complete PITA. My SIL has taken the biscuit by singularly failing to offer a single word of condolence after my loss at 16 weeks. 16 fucking weeks, and she's a mother herself.

Anger and generally feeling 'gah!' as you put it is totally normal and definitely something I'm feeling a fair amount of.
I also completely get that feeling of no-one else really wanting to hear about it. Even my DH seems to be over it, telling me the other night that he's so deliriously happy with what we've got (we've got 2 DC already) that he doesn't want another child. Well I'm glad he's happy and maybe I should take a leaf out of his book but am I the only one who gave a shit about this baby!

There you go OP, I'm joining you on the big vent!

Faybells Thu 24-Dec-15 08:06:11

Hello everyone! I have been off for a while and hadn't noticed these comments. So sorry to hear all your struggles and losses. It's such a shitty time of year too when we have to pretend to be happy and moving on and inside we feel quite different!! So glad we have a place to vent here flowers sending you all lots of love and strength xxxx

Outaboutnowt Thu 24-Dec-15 08:26:32

Bless you OP. I think some people who haven't experienced it genuinely think that within a couple of weeks you will just be back to normal and pretty much forget about it. Truth is it usually is really raw for a few months, some people years. Your mil was bang out of order.

I lost a baby at 8 weeks and had a very similar experience as you did with your first mc, hospitalised etc. I was really ill.
I had one 'friend' (who has 2dc) tell me "well 8 weeks isn't a viable pregnancy so it didn't really count as a baby anyway". I think she was genuinely trying to make me feel better but I could have punched her in the face.

From experience - this was 3 years ago now, the pain does ease in time, though you never forget and it is still upsetting, particularly on due date, and the day it happened.

Hope you're as ok as you can be flowers

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