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dealing with grief that husband cheated throughout pregnancy and miscarrying at 21 weeks

(4 Posts)
kiki312 Sat 31-Oct-15 10:33:20

After 3 weeks of unexplained heavy bleeding and passing of large clots, I lost my baby Hunter on the 26th at 21 weeks. Over the last few days I have gone from feeling sad, grieving to anger and resentment and am finally lashing out at my husband. I am so angry and torn and am feeling like a fool for not having picked up that my husband had been cheating on me throughout my entire pregnancy, especially having been cheated on multiple times. I blame the lost of the baby on both myself and my husband. The night I accidentally came across it I lost it both physically and emotionally and it was 5 days after I went into premature labour when my placenta detached. What makes me even a bigger fool is that I caught him just a few months prior with the same woman and he promised me he would cut all ties with her. And to make me sound even more stupid, during our teenage dating years, he left me to date her. I feel so stupid.
I am a mum of 2, a beautiful 6 yo and 2.5 yo who are both being cared for by husband whilst I lay useless around the house. Whilst I am grateful for these 2 beautiful kids and have been neglecting them as I try to cope with the loss and feeling of betrayal. Every time I see him glued to his phone I lose it and have even suggested maybe I change my kids name to "her" kids name and even my name to make him happy.
I just don't know how to over come this as each time I close my eyes I see Hunters face, but when I'm awake I can't help but run his messages with the other woman in my head over and over again. I want to make our family work and I especially don't want my kids to have a broken family. We both came from broken families so we know how it feels. I love my husband despite everything I have been through but don't know how to and where to start with building trust as I just do not trust anymore. As he plainly put it, I am a paranoid bitch.

Brenna24 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:42:31

I am so sorry. That is two terrible things to have to cope with at once. Big love to you and Hunter. What a lovely name.

First and foremost you are not a paranoid bitch. Clearly the only reason you had suspicions is because they were true. That is not paranoia.

Secondly do not blame yourself for losing your baby. You had a very natural reaction to a horrible situation. Few people could have done otherwise. However plenty of people have got that emotionally worked up and kept their baby, so you can't every be sure that that was the cause. Likely it was going to happen regardless of what happened.

I applaud you for fighting so hard to keep your family together. Sadly, I am not convinced your husband has a similar agenda. Well, only if he gets to keep the OW as well. He wants his cake and to eat it. I am furious on your behalf that he could do it to you at such a vulnerable time.

Big unmumsnetty hugs to you. You are an amazing woman who does not deserve this.

kiki312 Mon 09-Nov-15 05:29:50

Thank you Brenna24. It's been very hard the last couple of weeks. I have as yet to tell my children of the loss as I haven't quite figured how to word it my 6 yo. I asked her if she would be ok if her dad moved out and she said no.

I spent a lot of time yelling screaming and crying....even in from of the kids which i know is wrong. We now talk once the kids are in bed and one night spent a long time talking with me bringing up each of his infidelities. We also reminisced about the past and what happened to make us lose that spark.

We have decided to give counselling a go... To help me overcome the grief and for him to see why it is he continues to do these things to hurt me and the family.

I still don't trust him but have vowed for the kids sake to at least try to make the family work. Silly??? Without a doubt!

Brenna24 Mon 09-Nov-15 09:22:35

Better an honest fool as they say. I hope everything goes well for you. At least if you try counselling you will feel like you have done your best even if it doesn't work out. Your job now is to look after yourself and heal mentally and physically. Are you going to go to grief counselling on your own too? I think it may help. Hunter is a beautiful name by the way.

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