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When did you stop trying/look at alternatives?

(9 Posts)
Jayni313 Fri 30-Oct-15 11:53:10

Hello everyone,
First time posting in here!
So I'm suffering my second (natural) miscarriage this year...we already have a beautiful DD who is nearly a year and a half...we feel very blessed as we were told we would never conceive naturally (which we have now done three times), so thrilled at how healthy she is.
We did sit down last night though and said that we don't want to keep trying anymore, we feel lucky we have DD and can't put her and ourselves through the stress of trying and miscarrying again...although I feel this is the right choice, I'm feeling very lost at having made such a profound decision. We have said that we might look at adoption in a couple of years time, has anyone had any experience of this/how long you have to wait between miscarrying etc and looking into adoption?
Many thanks in advance smile

KittyandSqueal Fri 30-Oct-15 13:56:09

I'm in a similar position. We have dd1 who is 3, we have never had problems conceiving. We lost dd2 in Jan to a chromosomal abnormality. We now have a high risk of it happening again.

Added to that I have now found out I have adenomyosis which means I can still conceive but I will most likely suffer lots of early losses. I don't think I can go through that, putting our lives on hold to try then loose baby after baby. We have pretty much decided this is the end of the road for us in terms of another.

I have no advice but I wanted to say I kind of know how you feel.

Jayni313 Fri 30-Oct-15 16:45:25

Hi KittyandSqueal, thanks for your reply smile I'm really sorry to hear about your's so difficult isn't it? I don't want to 'give up', but like you, I just cannot go on giving me and hubby loads of hope, then LO having to put up with mummy and daddy getting all upset for no apparent reason xx

KittyandSqueal Fri 30-Oct-15 16:55:00

That's exactly how I feel. I've basically decided that I'm now just putting all my energy into dd1 and giving her loads of awesome experiences.

I'm focused on the positives of only having one live child. There is a thread on 'one-child families' which is great

Jayni313 Fri 30-Oct-15 16:57:51

Ah fab, thank you, I'll look it up smile We have spoken about adoption in the past from overseas so think we might look at exploring that again, we shall see...may not end up being feasible!

Foxesinmygarden Fri 30-Oct-15 17:04:33

You've been through a huge amount in a short time. From having your DD to coping with 2 miscarriages. I'd say making a decision to stop is right for now but maybe don't set a time, or say it's an absolute decision. Be kind to yourself and have some space enjoying DD and revisit where you are in a year or so.

I lost 2 after having my DD. I just couldn't do it again after that and it was hard but it did get better slowly. DD is 16 now and fantastic. I count my blessings I have her in my life all the time ( when she isn't driving me mad!) and yes I do regret not trying again and I also don't because I'm not sure how I'd have coped with it going wrong again.

thanks and cake and winefor you now and it sounds like you've made a strong decision that's right for you now.

Jayni313 Fri 30-Oct-15 17:16:03

Thanks Foxesinmygarden smile lovely's nice to hear from people in a similar position (a lot of my friends haven't started family life yet and don't really get it!)
Definitely having lots of cake!! xx

Bonywasawarriorwayayix Sun 01-Nov-15 16:04:15

We have 23mo DS. I had a MMC last month. We're trying once more then that's it. I couldn't through any more then that. Doubtless it would be different if we didn't have our beautiful boy.

cloudjumper Mon 02-Nov-15 13:33:00

So sorry to hear about your losses, it is so heartbreaking.

I was in your position last year - after 4 miscarriages in a row, DH and I sat down to discuss our options. I was seriously considering donor egg IVF and, even more seriously, adoption, but it turned out that DH wasn't keen on either. Which I found very hard to accept.
I had counselling with an amazing lady who specialises in pregnancy loss/still birth, and those sessions helped me realise that I wasn't 'done', so DH and I decided to start trying again, still hoping for that rainbow baby, in spite of all our previous losses. However, whereas I had always fallen pg within 2-3 months of trying before, it took a lot longer this time, no idea why... So long that I got to the point where I wanted to stop and started to accept the fact that DS (4) would/could be an only child (something I never ever wanted) - I was so fed up with it all, the stress, anxiety, I wanted to start focussing on the good things in life again and move on and be happy.
Which is when I fell pg, I'm now 31 weeks, all looking really good so far.

This has not been an easy pregnancy. I'm well looked after, due to my history, but the anxiety has only recently become negligible (the first 2 trimesters were brutal), and I am well aware that I am not out of the woods yet - 2 of my 4 mcs were due to chromosomal abnormalities, one of them was a 2nd trimester loss, and while nothing has come up so far yet, there is no guarantee that all will be fine...

It is a very difficult decision when to draw a line under ttc and to move on, only you can decide that. From my experience, it is not something that can be done in the spur of a moment, it is a long, drawn-out process, with lots of setbacks, doubts and fretting. Give yourself time and don't put any pressure on yourself.
I found that taking active breaks from ttc always helped me to re-focus and figure out where I stood, even if it was only a couple of months. Like others have said, you have been through so much.

Take a step back from it all, focus on your DD and live life and see how it goes. Maybe set yourself a 'date' when you sit down again and re-evaluate how you (and your DH) feel. Wishing you good luck!

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