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Really need positive stories about how you overcame a late miscarriage and managed to conceive again

(54 Posts)
Mrsbadger77 Sun 18-Oct-15 13:18:34

I lost my baby at 16 weeks and at 38 I'm so worried I won't manage to conceive again. Mainly due to my age but also thinking that there is something really wrong with me to caused a late loss. I already have a dd who I am so grateful for.
Can anyone give me something positive to cling to. My heart is breaking.

marmiteontoast76 Sun 18-Oct-15 13:27:45

Are you me? I was going to post about this today too. So sorry for your loss. We lost our baby at 20 weeks on 5th Sept. I too already have DC but worried that this time it was something to do with my age and maybe an underlying health issue. I'm 38, very nearly 39. I'm about to head out but will reply properly later.

Mrsbadger77 Sun 18-Oct-15 13:49:48

Oh marmite I'm so sorry to hear that. My miscarriage happened more recently than that and it's much to early for me to be thinking of another pregnancy but it's all I can think about. I have the added complication that they found my baby echo genic bowel when they did my 12 week scan. One of the causes can be the CMV virus. Have you heard of it? I hadn't. Anyway turns out I have the virus but hadn't passed it to my baby. I have to wait until the anti bodies have decreased to a safe level before I can try again. Which my be 6 months. I just feel like I am cursed and I just want what so many people seem to have so easily.

whohasnickedmyvodka Sun 18-Oct-15 13:54:05

I lost my dd eve at 18+3 weeks last October she had severe hydrops and she had downs syndromeI'm currently sitting on my sofa with a huge bump and waiting for my c section on the 17th December I was 39 in September I'm having another dd Celeste who is perfectly healthy there is hope xxx

Mrsbadger77 Sun 18-Oct-15 14:04:04

Congratulations whohasnickedmyvodka. Thank you so much for that I guess I could be you in a years time? I turned 38 in September. How are you feeling in this pregnancy? Anxious? How long after your loss did you start trying?

whohasnickedmyvodka Sun 18-Oct-15 14:12:25

I'm bloody petrified to be honest I want it all over and I want to hold her I wasn't trying again it was only the second time since losing my dd we did anything blush my consultant is brilliant she was the same one I had with eve xxx

Mrsbadger77 Sun 18-Oct-15 15:37:41

Bless you. I'm sure it's all going to be fine and you haven't long to go now. Lucky you to conceive so easily again. I would be so lucky if that happened to me. Took about 4-5 cycles first time round when I was only 34 and nearly two years for the pregnancy I just lost due to having a short literal phase. Although I did get pregnant quickly once I had been given the correct progesterone supplements so I'll cling to that.

Freshbreadandfaith Sun 18-Oct-15 22:24:54

I lost mine at 17 weeks just a week ago sad horrible having to go through labour, mine was due to cystic hygroma and hydrops. I'm already thinking about when to try again and desperately wanting it to be a happy outcome next time, it took nearly two years to fall pregnant any advice would be appreciated xx

whohasnickedmyvodka Mon 19-Oct-15 07:37:46

Sending to huge hugs fresh hydrops is an awful thing please pm me if you want to talk xxx

Mrsbadger77 Mon 19-Oct-15 08:22:54

Freshbreadandfaith I'm so sorry to hear that. I would agree that the delivery was bloody awful. Definitely the most harrowing thing I've ever had to go through.
Thank you for taking the time to answer my thread as late miscarriage only affects 1% of pregnancy it's rare to see many posts on here about it or to find anyone in RL who understands.

KittyandTeal Mon 19-Oct-15 08:28:37

flowers to all of you who have suffered recent losses.

We lost dd2 in jan. She had T18 and we decided on a tfmr.

We have been ttc for 6 cycles with no luck yet (although a couple of chemicals) however, I am no longer desperate to have another, it would just be nice.

For months after loosing dd2 I had an overwhelming urge to be pregnant again. We waited to ttc until after her due date as I knew I was too fragile emotionally to grieve and deal with another, what would be, high risk pregnancy.

Good luck to all of you. Remember to be kind to yourselves, baby loss and subsequent pregnancies, even the ttc after is a really roughy road.

Mrsbadger77 Mon 19-Oct-15 09:00:27

Kittyandteal I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. I'm sure you aren't far from your bfp. Although we may be classified as high risk for subsequent pregnancies I've been told we will have a lot of monitoring and support from midwives and consultants. Although I have to say that although I'm desperate to be pregnant again I think I will find it very difficult. I don't know about anyone else but I don't think I ever believed that my pregnancy would work out. I think I always knew. I had bleeding right from 5 weeks all the way to the end when it was very heavy. It got to the point towards the end when I couldn't take the stress of all the blood loss and I remember thinking I just wanted it all to be over so I could get back to normal and be a proper mum to my little DD again. I wonder if I do get pregnant again if I'll feel any more optimistic if it will feel right or if I will be just totally anxious.

Freshbreadandfaith Mon 19-Oct-15 11:41:29

Weirdly I have been wanting to get pregnant again, I think my hormones are going crazy! I also have been getting a lot of hot flushes at night, often soaking through my t-shirt and my bleeding is for a few days then stops for a day then a few days more then stops weird, I'm only a week past delivery. I guess I just really want to replace what was lost and I feel if I wait too long I may change my mind but would be terrified of something going wrong again. Awaiting genetic results too x

VocationalGoat Mon 19-Oct-15 12:06:56

Hugs +Mrsbadger*.... big, supportive hugs.
After years as a divorced single mother, I remarried and at 38, gave birth to blessed DC2. How delighted I was to get pregnant at that age.
At 39, we went through a late in pregnancy loss at 24 weeks. This was soul destroying, to say the least and it did all sorts to me as a woman trying to conceive. I felt past my sell by date. Everywhere I looked, a joyful bump greeted me like a slap in the face. I became desperate. I don't even know if at that point I wanted another child. I just wanted to get pregnant. I did. But at age 40 and 13 weeks into the pregnancy, the CVS results revealed that our baby had a chromosomal abnormality that would be life limiting, life altering. We terminated.

Shortly after I turned 41, we went on a trip, a very emotional trip, starting in Berlin and travelling into Poland where my father was from. His family was expelled from the region in 1945 because they were ethnic Eastern European Germans and that region they came from was annexed to Poland. It was all a very sad story. My father spent his teens starving and beaten in a labour camp, most of his family were dead, his mother fled with one case and got the last refugee train out of their region and arrived in Dresden on the night of the infamous fire bombings. My dad never saw his home or most of his family members again.

I went back to his home and I stood outside his front gate, still there. It was one of those journeys where the lump just never left my throat. I was so quick to tears. But it was during this journey that my DH and I talked about family and having children and we made peace with the fact that our door was shut. We had been blessed with our two children, my beloved son from my first marriage (DH's stepson) and our precious daughter, a baby I didn't expect to have at 38. I was ok with not buying a pregnancy test again. I was ready to let go of the troubled, desperate, unhinged woman I had been since the loss of our daughter at 24 weeks. But after my talk with DH and our emotional European journey, the healing began. I started writing a novel (as you do. Please don't laugh!). But I was much more at peace.

A year to the day I stood outside my father's former home, I gave birth to our last child who is now a year and a half old (almost). I was 42 when I delivered. You can never abandon hope... even when you think it has abandoned you. It pops up in ways we don't expect.
flowers

VocationalGoat Mon 19-Oct-15 12:15:23

I just wanted to add that when I was 21-25 weeks along with my youngest, I became a complete basket case. I was taking my DD late to nursery every day, watching her through the window to make sure she (at age 3 1/2!) didn't choke on any of the small toys and bit and bobs. I lingered around the playground. I would go home and walk back to the nursery while they were still in class just to make sure the school gates were totally shut and locked and that no predators could get in. The teacher pulled me aside one day and I just collapsed into tears. I couldn't stop crying. I explained to her why I was such an oddball. Ironically, I hadn't really connected it to my previous loss. Once I got past that point, that stage where I had lost our baby girl at 24 weeks, I felt much stronger, much more confident. I really enjoyed the pregnancy and absolutely made it my business to love and relish every single moment. It is such a gift after such a loss.
Don't be afraid to try... in a weird way, you have nothing to lose. You've been through the worst. You just don't know your own strength at times. But don't doubt it.... it's there.

Mrsbadger77 Mon 19-Oct-15 12:16:15

Vocationalghost I am in floods of tears at that. Wow! That really is the type of story to give me hope. What an awful journey to go through but one that ultimately had a happy ending. Thank you so much for sharing that with me and everyone else.
freshbread you also struggled to get pregnant this time. In my case it was low progesterone to blame. My hormones never really got back to normal after the birth of my dd. I'm hoping by some miracle that maybe one good outcome from this pregnancy might be that my hormones have sorted themselves out? Who knows. Let's keep in touch.

VocationalGoat Mon 19-Oct-15 12:27:02

Oh Mrsbadger thank you for your kind words. flowers
I just read that you were diagnosed with CMV. Yes, I've heard of this! It was one of my worst fears during my last pregnancy because I feared everything. But it's a lot more common than we realise and although most of us have had it or been exposed to it, like everything else, in pregnancy it creates a scarier situation. If it's of any comfort, I was told that it's better to wait 6 months before you try again anyway. I trust that advice. Perhaps because we had another loss not long after our daughter at 24 weeks, it made me realise that it is important to give the body time to heal anyway.
Think of the next 6 months as your time to restore yourself. This is your time to be good to yourself. Get your antibody levels checked in 3 months. You may get a good result by then. 6 months is the window but you may be fully back to yourself far sooner. Hugs and love to you.

Freshbreadandfaith Mon 19-Oct-15 12:41:34

Thankyou ladies for your replies, stories and hope. I think you are all so brave!!! People keep telling me how brave I am but I don't see it in myself, but all that you've been through wow. I have a bracelet that says faith on it and it's been so hard to have faith, I have had lots of family and friends praying for us and I've felt upheld in a way that certainly is not natural for me!
The doctors at the hospital were all optimistic as the said to me "we will see you next year with your baby" my husband was pale! He said he can't even think about doing this again. In some ways he has found it more traumatic than me as he had to watch it all happening and feeling helpless as I bawled my eyes out frequently. It was so emotional taking part in the wave of light last Thurs just days after losing ours. At the moment we are waiting for cremation which is happening soon then waiting for genetic results. A lovely charity provided us with memory boxes, candles, necklace, photo frame which I have my only scan picture in and a journal. I started writing it all down yesterday and certain parts of the journey just made me cry and cry. I felt like I had an inkling all the way along that something was wrong or that it was going to end but that also felt like a lack of faith.
I was also given two little teddies, one was taken to the morgue to be put in with baby and one for me. The one they took I kissed it and said in my head to the baby "I love you and I will never forget you" I can't believe how much I love this baby that I never got to meet. OK I'm crying now..... I just hope this searing pain of loss eases in time, thankyou for your support xxx

HandbagHelper Mon 19-Oct-15 12:44:32

Big hugs to you Mrsbadger and others on this thread. I too have been in this situation (with my first pregnancy). I thought maybe children wouldn't be part of my future. I was blessed with a DC fairly soon after. I still grieve and think of my lost DC (was 6 years ago this month that would have been their due date).

Some things that helped me -I would wake at 4am in the days and weeks after our loss and look out into the dark night. "The day is darkest just before dawn" rang true and made me think if I can get through this I will be ok.

Someone also told me to focus on "getting my body back" -just feeling healthier in my mind and general being kind of way.

And my favorite quote that gets me through life is "..things change rapidly and life gets better in an instant". Here is hoping that you have a moment that makes you feel better as sometimes that is just what you need.

islander99 Mon 19-Oct-15 13:11:00

I don't comment a lot, but had to reply. I lost my second baby in March and I'm 35. It was a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks and felt like it broke me entirely. I already have a rambunctious two year old, who has been my saving grace. You really need to be kind to yourself and take time. Having friends pregnant at the same time and have healthy babies was particularly difficult . Life begins to have bright spots again.

I discovered I was pregnant again just after my due date. I feel that now I've lost my pregnancy innocence and I've become almost detached from the baby until I can believe it will happen. I'm now 15 weeks and still haven't told most people. I struggle to accept congratulations just yet from close family and friends. I hope I will breathe more easily in the coming weeks. It is helpful to have additional support from medics, especially as many of them cared for me in the spring.

Please don't worry about the future just yet. Heal physically, then take some time to be kind to yourself and pull together with your partner. When you feel stronger, you can decide what is next. 6 months wont make much difference to your fertility, but will to your mental well being.

Mrsbadger77 Mon 19-Oct-15 13:36:54

I definitely have the potential to turn into a basket case in the way you describe. How awful. I think I'd better make sure I get myself mentally well again before making any big decisions. I suppose at least having the CMV virus means I don't have to worry about it in any subsequent pregnancy as I should be immune. Thank you again for your kind words and the hope you've given me.

Mrsbadger77 Mon 19-Oct-15 14:00:39

I'm so glad I started this thread. Im so sorry about all your sad stories but you have no idea how much some of your positive stories have helped me. And for others in my situation I hope you feel this way too. I'm the sort of person who always needs to have a plan. So while I wait for the all clear to try again I'm going to focus on healing emotionally and getting body back in optimum condition for pregnancy by eating healthily, exercising and taking my supplements. Onwards and upwards.

ProbablyMe Mon 19-Oct-15 14:11:38

I lost my baby at 16 weeks in January. I went for an amniocentesis test and baby had died a day or so before. I thought the pain and sadness would kill me.

DP and I decided to keep trying and - after a chemical pregnancy detected before My period was even late in March - I am now 9 weeks pregnant. I am 41. I can't deny that I'm scared of things going wrong but every day is a day closer to that dream - I suspect the next 7 months will age me!

My hospital and midwife have been very good. I had my booking appointment at 7 weeks and already have my first consultant appointment at 14 weeks. They are also scanning me tomorrow to check all is well. I also paid for a private reassurance scan at 6 weeks where we saw a nice strong heartbeat.

Freshbreadandfaith Mon 19-Oct-15 14:24:34

All the very best to those who are pregnant again and thankyou for the hope this has given me, thankyou also for the good advice on eating well, getting back into shape, focusing on a plan etc. I think my parents and in laws would have a nervous breakdown if I got pregnant again, they are really shaken by what's happened and my mum looked at me like I was certifiably cookoo when I mentioned pregnancy.....

Mrsbadger77 Mon 19-Oct-15 15:25:56

freshbread are you waiting for any tests to come back? We had an amnio to test to see if I had passed CMV onto my baby which I hadn't but we decided to do the full karotyping while we were at it. Results should be back next week. We also got tested for cystic fibrosis and those should be back soon too. I really hope they don't come back having found out some other awful thing has been found. Then they'll test my placenta and see if there was any reason for the miscarriage. Don't know if we'll do a postmortem as my DH is really against anyone messing with our baby.
probablyme I'm so sorry about your sadness and heartbreak but also very inspired about where you are now it's certainly giving me hope. All the best for the rest of the pregnancy.

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