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How do I cope ?

(16 Posts)
Cartersmum1 Tue 06-Oct-15 22:11:21

I lost my baby at 29 weeks & three days, it was the scan that revealed my baby's heartbeat had stopped. At 15 weeks the doctors told us our baby didn't have much fluid & wasn't growing properly . My faith kept me believing that a miracle would happen and I kept seeing all these threads about miracle babies. I terribly wanted my baby to be one and I prayed day and night for God to let my child live . Unfortunately, I guess God had other plans . During the time we found out about the complications , the father left me saying he didn't love me anymore. He continued to attend weekly scans with me and was there during labour on the 28/09/2015. The hardest part was leaving the hospital without my beautiful Carter. I remember holding my baby and wishing he would just open his eyes! I feel
Like nobody understands my pain. The father and the whole world seem to be just moving on and getting on with life. I feel so stuck and some days I try so hard to smile & act ' normal' , when really I want to dig a whole and join my baby. I feel a major part of me died with my baby & somehow I feel I developed a deep attachment to the father.People tell me I am crazy for feeling this because he doesn't want me. However , I am a young lady who's just lost her first baby & I feel in losing the father I have lost everything about my baby. I have not been able to sleep much since the labour . When I do sleep I seem to just see my baby . My faith is the only thing keeping me from committing sucuide. I am praying for strength & healing . Does it get easy with time , does the pain ever go away and am I crazy for how I feel ? . I really feel like I am on an emotion nal roller-coaster ! I really need to talk to somewhere who understands my pain . I feel alone right now !

marmiteontoast76 Wed 07-Oct-15 13:33:38

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how painful it feels as I lost my baby at 20 weeks on 5th Sept. The first few weeks were terrible - I spent the whole time crying in bed. Don't feel like anyone understands the pain unless they've experienced similar.

It's now been over 4 weeks and the cremation is tomorrow. I think I'm feeling a little bit stronger week by week.

So it's all still so raw for you. The hormone crash is quite unbearable in those first few weeks so I send you huge hugs x. Cry lots, speak to midwives about how you are feeling. I recommend calling SANDS as they will chat to you for as long as you wish and can be very helpful. This Mumsnet board is an incredibly supportive place to be so I think you've come to a good place.

Time will heal and all that and hope can get you through too. Hope has kept me going - the hope that maybe one day I will be blessed with another child and the hope of things getting better day by day. X

marmiteontoast76 Wed 07-Oct-15 15:02:00

.....and bereavement counselling would help you too I'm sure. X

Sophia1984 Wed 07-Oct-15 16:50:50

I'm so sorry about Carter. Would you like to tell us any more about him - I know that can help some people. One of those losses on its own would be traumatic, but to lose both your baby and your partner must feel unbearable. I'm glad you have your faith. When I went to the EPAU I found myself praying for the strength to deal with whatever happened. I have been able to (partly as it was a much earlier loss) but think I actually coped too well and didn't let myself really deal with the emotions. Are you part of a religious group that can give you support? You are not crazy. What you are feeling is entirely normal and to be expected. I would suggest making a doctors appointment or contacting a bereavement charity for support too. I'm holding you in the light xx

Cartersmum1 Wed 07-Oct-15 19:26:00

marmiteontoast76 I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for the advice. I definitely feel like nobody understands unless they have gone through it. Some many people who have never lost children , keep telling me how to feel and what to do . It makes me really angry cause , I think I am entitled to grieve my way ! I defineatly feel I should go for bereavement counselling . Who is SANDs and where can I get the number ? X

Cartersmum1 Wed 07-Oct-15 19:40:17

Sophia1984 - Thank you . Carter was so perfect had somuch black hair , looked like daddy. Was gonna be light like mummy. I remember holding his small little hands and the skin was so soft. Carter looked so peaceful and at rest. I struggled to leave the hospital without my Carter and I wanted to stay there forever. I didn't want him to think mummy didn't love him and had just left him. Heaven needed another angel but I also needed my baby here with me. We would have given him the world and I would av kindly exchanged places with him. The feeling is truly unbearable because I feel he should be the person, I cry to about our child. Sometimes , I just want him to hold me & tell me " it's okay will have another one eventually " . Not that another child would easy my pain or replace my beautiful Carter but I just want him to give me hope. Time will never heal me but I guess in time I will learn how to cope with it.

Sophia1984 Wed 07-Oct-15 20:34:23

He sounds beautiful and your time with him does too. You haven't left him - you're keeping him alive with your memory xxx

www.uk-sands.org/Support/

CatnipMouse Wed 07-Oct-15 22:12:42

I'm so sorry for your awful experience. It was only a few days ago, you don't have to try to get back to normal right now and no one should expect you to. It's not surprising that your emotions are all over the place. Xxx

Cartersmum1 Wed 07-Oct-15 23:03:57

Sophia1984 - I will definitely contact them tomorrow . Our 29 weeks where defiantly the best days of my life. I wish I hadmt moaned about the vomiting , headaches and tiredness. I should have embraced every moment of it .

Cartersmum1 Wed 07-Oct-15 23:06:40

Catnipmouse - thank you very much. I feel like cause everyone views me as a strong person, I have to be strong for Carter . I don't know how to grieve ????

caza25 Thu 08-Oct-15 12:39:20

Carter sounds so beautiful. I am really sorry for your loss. It is so difficult, I have experienced that people who haven't went through it doesn't understand. But people on this forum truly do and I have found it is a great way to get support and to give it. It is hard when people carry on with life, when your has come crashing down. It is really hard at the start and it will still be hard in months to come. But you need to find strength in yourself in time to work out how to move forward. At the minute, you just need to grave and this could mean crying a lot. You will go through many emotions at different times. I think that counselling will good so that you can talk through your feelings so that you can be supported. Big hugs, be good to yourself.

CatnipMouse Fri 09-Oct-15 10:46:32

How are you today Cartersmum?

I wouldn't regret complaining about bits of your pregnancy, everyone grumbles, I think it's normal.

You don't have to be strong all the time you know. It's OK to be sad and angry.

Xx

Cartersmum1 Mon 12-Oct-15 22:50:29

Caza25, Thank you very much . I am defiantly going through different emotions already but I am struggling to cry atm. I just feel so angry and like I wanna smash everything. I am so jealousy of pregnant women and those with kids around me. I started counselling today and it made me realise that this is not dream . I fear that I will not be able to go to the funeral .

Cartersmum1 Mon 12-Oct-15 22:58:07

Hi , CatnipMouse , I am not so well and feel I am getting worse by the day. I don't know how to show I am vulnerable . I even feel guilt for being sad and angry.

CatnipMouse Tue 13-Oct-15 08:21:22

If this happened to a friend of yours, would you tell them off for feeling sad and angry and jealous? No of course you wouldn't - you'd tell them that it was normal to feel that way. So treat yourself in the same way, you don't need to feel guilty about being upset. Anyone would be upset.
Have you been to see your GP?

Freshbreadandfaith Sun 18-Oct-15 22:35:56

So sad reading this, so so sad for your pain, my baby died a week ago at 17 weeks gestation, I am in the early stages of grief, struggling, not knowing what to expect so any advice would be appreciated x

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