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Miscarriage and no support

(13 Posts)
caza25 Wed 23-Sep-15 19:25:29

I have had three miscarriages. I didn't tell anyone about the first one and found it hard so I thought I would let me close friends and family know the second time it happened. Other than the initial point in which I told them, no one has ever brought it up or asked how I am feeling. I feel so alone not only with the loss but also finding out I have no one to turn too. So when I had my third miscarraige, I thought what is the point in telling anyone. I have my husband, but he doesn't really understand the feeling I have as he is more detached from the loss than I am. Has anyone else experienced this?

MerdeAlor Wed 23-Sep-15 19:35:16

So sorry to hear that Caza I believe that even with support Miscarriage is an incredibly lonely experience, best understood by other women who have been through it.
I found that with a couple of exceptions lots of people said clumsy, minimising platitudes about miscarriage and I still felt terrible.
Hopefully we understand on here. It is worth searching back to read other womens experiences.
There are some great organisations like The Miscarriage Association that have local support groups.
Gentle hugs and flowers

MerdeAlor Wed 23-Sep-15 19:36:53

Have you spoken to your GP and asked for a referral to a miscarriage clinic? If you haven't and you'd like it investigated, you are entitled to a referral.

caza25 Wed 23-Sep-15 19:46:50

Thanks, I have a consultant appointment in a few weeks to see if there are any issues. Going through the miscarriage has been really lonely, but it has been made worst by the fact that no-one has ever thought to ask me how I was doing. I am just really struggling with it, as I feel that not only have loss a baby but loss family and friends and feel that I have no one.

Monten Wed 23-Sep-15 21:37:19

Hi caza I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. I've had three in a row too, ttc number one, and it's devastating and lonely. I've had the same experience- no one ever mentions it. Ever. Even my family. I actually feel like I got more support after the first one, after the third it feels like people have run out of things to say. It's almost like it's got embarrassing sad

Anyway, there is an amazing thread on here called 'Recurrent miscarriage/ tests, treatments and trying again' which is full of amazing, supportive women who have all experienced the uniquely horrific thing that is recurrent miscarriage. It's much much quieter than it used to be as we have set up a private Facebook group where people spend more time. You'll still get some great support on the MN thread though and anyone is welcome to join the FB group if they want (someone just has to send you an invite as its private).

Big hug - it's a fucking awful thing to go through. flowers

Monten Wed 23-Sep-15 21:38:40

Here is the link to the thread:

caza25 Thu 24-Sep-15 12:47:37

Thanks Monten, very helpful

LikeASoulWithoutAMind Thu 24-Sep-15 12:51:16

An awful lot of my friends and family behaved like this too. I think people act out of some misguided belief that asking will somehow upset you.

I know it's not the same as RL support but can we help at all?

FallingGoldfinch Thu 24-Sep-15 13:02:56

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I felt the same - into double figures with mc - but, when I thought about it, I wasn't really sure what I wanted people to do/say.

Tiny kindnesses meant a lot though. One woman, who I barely knew through work, called me and practically demanded my address - she said that she was sending flowers and she wasn't giving me an option, so if I didn't want her calling every half hour, best give her my address on the first asking. I did, and she was the only one. She also sent the loveliest, personal note and it meant a lot.

With other people, I generally felt that, if they said anything, it was just to tell me about their/their mum's/their granny's/their neighbour's mc and I had to be the sympathy giver.

I really do think that women here are much better than the ones we know in RL with this sort of thing. You will find absolute stars - take care flowers.

Considerphebas Thu 24-Sep-15 17:28:34

Hi Gaza sorry to hear about your losses. I've recently had my 3rd mc @12 weeks. A few friends have been amazing (particularly one who had a stillbirth, I felt guilty talking to her about it and she said it didn't matter when you loose a baby you've already made a place for them in your heart- which was a lovely and very gracious thing to say!) Other friends including my oldest have been less great and brushed it under the carpet.
I've been very open about what happened, why I've been off work etc as I'm determined to break a bit of the silence around mc. Its still a very lonely thing to go through, to dh it was an abstract thought rather than an actual baby but for me my body had already changed and the physical process of miscarrying made it very and quite scarily real.

Anyway all I can say is I'm sorry, it's crap and I wish no-one every had to have another mc ever because it's heartbreaking.

Sophia1984 Thu 24-Sep-15 19:58:15

Hi Caza, I'm really sorry for your losses. I had an early miscarriage and haven't talked to a lot of people about it. I told my partner and he has been supportive, but I don't think he really understands how it felt as he hadn't bonded with the baby like I had.

I told my mum (and she told my dad) and they were brilliant for the first few days taking me to hospital etc. I had only just told a friend that I was pregnant the day before and then texted her about it as I was going through the miscarriage. I also told another friend after it happened. Everyone was sympathetic at the time, but I think they have taken their lead on talking about it from me, and because I haven't brought it up, they haven't either. What's been really hard is that I haven't been able to talk to my best friend about it as she is expecting and I didn't think it was appropriate. My other best friend from uni has just had a little boy herself and, again, I didn't feel like it was right to talk about it. Message boards like here have been absolutely amazing for me and I've found a lot of comfort.

I think, as with a lot of things, women are expected to stay strong and get on with things, but I do still think about my lost baby and feel sad for her ( I think of her as a girl even though she was just a dot on the ultrasound..)

gonegrey56 Thu 24-Sep-15 20:07:34

I am so sorry, and really feel for you , I had 3 mcs before going on to have my dd. If it helps a little, sometimes when I look at her - a lovely grown young woman, I marvel at her qualities and think that I might never have had this special and unique person if the other pregnancies had continued - sounds a bit strange maybe, but it has helped me . I do so hope things go well for you in the future . There is much wise advice on the threads and websites listed . Sending my very best wishes to you flowers

caza25 Mon 28-Sep-15 21:33:40

Thanks everyone, it is so comforting to read your words. It is hard that society has made women suffer in silent because you are encouraged not to say your pregnant until your 12 weeks. It has helped to read other people's experiences. Although it is a lonely experience, it is nice to know we aren't alone in how we feel. I read something recently, which has helped me thorough this and thought I would share. A bad experience can, define you, destroy you or strengthen you. After reading this, I thought, that I am going to make this experience strengthen me. I think by getting the support from others on the forum, I am slowly getting there to getting stronger!

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