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Can I grieve or should I just get on?

(7 Posts)
HippyDippyRidingPretty Tue 22-Sep-15 20:36:02

Three weeks ago I miscarriaged, I believe it's called a chemical pregnancy, I hate that term.

This was my first pregnancy, if i get to call it that. It was unexpected. My partner and I had a condom breakage, 48 hours later or so I took the morning after pill. I had a tough time with the pill, hot flushes, sickness, headaches and the such.

I missed my period and took a test. It was positive. My partner was away and I didn't want to say anything until he got back so we could talk together face to face.

Less than a week later, I bled heavily. Like I haven't before. To be honest for some reason I took it to be a response to the pill. (I know this makes no sense). I was later made aware this was a miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy.

I don't know how I felt tbh, I think I was a bit in shock, then I was desperately sad of the what ifs.

Now it's a month later and generally I'm okay but I get moments which seem to stop my heart and I can't breathe for a second.

I don't talk about it anymore. Dp and I of course did, but he is obviously more detached.

The question I have is that with such an early miscarriage, with not understanding it at the time, am I allowed to grieve? I feel dp talks sense that it isn't/wasn't the right time, but it doesn't stop this sense of loss. Am I being melodratic?

WorriedSick2015 Tue 22-Sep-15 20:55:00

There's no time limit on grieving or a right or wrong way. Of course you are allowed to grieve - planned or not you've still suffered a loss. I'm so sorry.

I lost 2 weeks ago and whilst initially I accepted it as I pretty much knew due to the cramp and amount of blood that I had before the scan - I'm now at a point where I've broken down and the days are getting harder and harder. Nobody seems to understand how much my heart is breaking and I have so many unanswered questions that I know will never be answered.

regenerationfez Tue 22-Sep-15 20:59:57

I lost an unplanned baby very early too. It's horrible, and I was very mixed up about it for a long time. I was absolutely heartbroken at the time, then it got better, then worse again around the time the baby would have been due. I wasn't sure if I was being overdramatic as I only knew about the pregnancy for about a week, but you can't help how you feel. Of course you should grieve.

HippyDippyRidingPretty Tue 22-Sep-15 21:06:19

Thank you for replying, I have just been feeling like it was so early it wasn't acceptable to be this upset. But for a few days I was scared, excited, thrilled and planning a future. These feelings don't go away.

I don't feel I can talk to dp about it anymore as he doesn't get the true pain of loss I keep feeling. I walked past a bus shelter the other day with a pregnant woman in the advert. Again my whole body stopped and a breathless stab of pain shot through me. It set the mental mood for my whole evening and just told dp I was tired from work. I don't like lying to him but it's hard to explain.

Wolfiefan Tue 22-Sep-15 21:07:47

Of course you are allowed to grieve for your loss. There are no rules.
Be kind to yourself. X

caza25 Wed 23-Sep-15 19:21:04

I don't anyone truly understands the loss unless it has happened to them. I think the man can't really understand the emotional attachment you have once you find out you are pregnant or if you have a loss. I have had three m/s and I the pain is so hard. Everything you think that you are getting over it, it just hits you hard somedays more than other. I think you have a grieve in order to help the healing process.

ElleGrace Thu 24-Sep-15 21:09:41

Of course you are allowed to grieve. You won't find yourself able to 'get on' until you have accepted the fact that you have lost your baby. Whether they were unplanned, whether you chose to end the pregnancy or whatever else may be, you have lost and you are allowed to grieve.
I found myself pregnant last April. It was completely unexpected as I have the contraceptive implant. It was a total shock and at first I reacted badly. I was very upset, and worried that I wouldn't be able to cope. I spoke to my partner, we arranged a scan, worked out I was about 11 weeks and I started to come to terms with it. Two days before the scan, I miscarried. I felt like it was entirely my fault because I didn't want a child but I know now it wasn't.
I was very upset, even more so because my partner was somewhat detached. He didn't grieve like I did, and accepted it as one of those things that 'just happens'.
I hope you're getting all the support you need, and I wish you all the best flowers

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