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Feeling guilty about ttc after stillbirth

(7 Posts)
amy261989 Thu 03-Sep-15 13:55:38

Hi, my first child, a little girl, Evie was born sleeping 16/07/15 at 26 weeks gestation, she was beautiful, perfect in every way. The past weeks have been so hard, nobody expects to bury their child, we had a whole future planned with her and its been taken away, life can be so cruel sad. I'm still coming to terms with whats happened, its only been weeks but I'm desperate to have a living child, we knew we had to try for another baby as soon as we could. My periods came back around 14th Aug and i ovulated on 28th Aug, i am now 5dpo feeling more hungry, tired, subtle twinges in my pelvic area and slightly dizzy since but since i am so desperate i could just be making myself have these symptoms! However i feel so guilty for even thinking about another child let alone trying for one sad. My emotions are all over the place, i love my little girl and i don't want her to think I'm trying to replace or forget about her. She is my first and always will be, no other child could take her place but how do i get past this feeling, its awful.

Any advice would be much appreciated xx

amymb86 Fri 04-Sep-15 20:28:48

Can I firstly say how incredibly sorry I am to hear about your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through losing your little girl at that stage.
I don't have any experience in this matter as I was relatively early on in my pregnancy (11 weeks). But after doing a lot of reading up on pregnancy losses, I have discovered that it is a lot of women's instinct to become pregnant again. It is nothing to feel guilty about and is a normal reaction to grief. Some women find that it is the only way to move on from such an experience. It does not mean that your little girl will be forgotten. Hope everything works out ok. Xxx

amyboo Tue 22-Sep-15 08:38:05

Don't feel guilty. It doesn't mean you love or miss your dayghter any leas just because you want to be pregnant again. I lost my DS2 at 36 weeks in 2012 and went on to get pregnant just 3 months later with another DS. I haven't forgotten DS2 - I think about him almost wvery day - but neither do I regret having DS3. We had such a hole in our lives when we lost DS2 that I think getting pregnant again was the only way we could even begin to put our lives back together. I'm now 35 weeks with DD1 and I still think about my perfect little DS2 a lot.

So please don't feel guilty. You won't be replacing Evie or forgetting her if you get pregnant again. She will always be a part of your story and your life xx

3littlebadgers Wed 23-Sep-15 20:09:51

I am so sorry Amy, you will always love your precious daughter and nothing will ever replace her. But the need to care and look after a child, especially after loss, is so immense that I don't think anyone could ever understand unless they had been there themselves. I believe it is so common.
When I gave birth to my darling baby girl, who was also stillborm at 40+5, and we were leaving her, alone in that hospital, one of the midwives said 'we'll see you back with us next year' I could have slapped her if I wasn't clinging to the little memory box. Anyway, about a month later DH asked if I would like to try again, and I realised I really did, more than anything. I became obsessed charting my temperature and everything. That month when I got my period it was like I had lost her all over again. The following month I became pregnant, (just two months after I gave birth to my child). I was so excited. I am now 20 weeks and going for my scan tomorrow.
It is scary being pregnant again, I won't lie. I am anxious and teary but I have hope too, and the hospital are lovely. I know, if all goes well, that this baby will not be the child I lost, I know it won't replace her ever. But I will love this child, and those painfully empty arms will have something to hold.
I wish you well my lovely, please look after yourself flowers

3littlebadgers Wed 23-Sep-15 20:11:40

Ooh if you do fall pregnant there is a thread for angels and rainbows, where mums like us get to talk about our worries and our joys and just generally support each other through. They have been a godsend and really helped me through some of the toughest times.

Seacrown Thu 19-Nov-15 22:34:22

Hi Amy
I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my boy at 25+3, he lived for 4 days and I feel exactly the same as you. My heart is broken but I know we want to carry and and give him brothers and sisters. I just wondered how your journey was going? Sending positive thoughts

ShebaShimmyShake Fri 20-Nov-15 15:30:56

Ah, this is natural and normal...a little like falling in love again after losing a beloved partner. But the fact it is natural and normal doesn't mean you actually should be feeling guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about, not at all. Having a child after your tragedy does not mean Evie has been replaced or didn't matter. It is a separate joy that will, one hopes, help to comfort your tragedy. Two separate people, two separate lives. One was a tragedy but the other might be a joy, and anyone who has lost a child deserves the joy. I'm sure Evie would be delighted if she had a younger brother or sister, and she would certainly not want you to lose any chance of happiness in your entire life.

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