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After 23 months ttc #1 I've started to miscarry today at 4+6

(4 Posts)
Vap0 Mon 31-Aug-15 14:33:00

Hi All

It's all very sad and I'm trying my best to pull myself together but have a few questions

1. When can I start trying again?
2. How long will the miscarriage last?
3. Any coping mechanisms?
4. How do you stop yourself bursting into tears if someone asks you about it?
5. Is there anything I should be doing now?

We are having a dinner party with family friends a week on Saturday and I know the chap will probably ask the question. We saw them yesterday and he hinted at asking but luckily the conversation was changed by a distraction from somewhere else. I just know he will ask again. Not sure I'll be able to hold myself together.

Thanks in advance

amymb86 Mon 31-Aug-15 16:33:15

Hi Vap, it must be completely heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this especially after trying for so long.
Have you had the miscarriage confirmed? I've heard lots of stories of early bleeding and everything being fine.
1. They say that you are supposed to wait one cycle before trying again but apparently there is no reason (apart from being able to date the next pregnancy) why you can't try again as soon as you're ready. I've heard lots of stories of women who try straight away.
2. I think it depends on how quickly you pass the pregnancy. Mine was a mmc and found out at 11 weeks that baby had stopped growing at 8+4. I bled for around 12 days and my pregnancy test is only just very very faint now after 18 days. I've heard the average is 10-14 days.
3. My only coping mechanism is talking to others who have gone through the same thing. I also plan to try again as soon as possible to help me to move on. I also wrote everything down in a letter.
4. Do you mean bursting into tears if people ask about having children or bursting into tears if people bring up the pregnancy/miscarriage? In terms of the miscarriage, I told a close friend to tell others and ask them not to bring it up or talk about it. Mainly people have left me to it if I've asked them to. I'm dreading someone bringing up if we're thinking of starting a family soon who don't know about the mc, I think I'd be very tempted to tell them to mind their own!

With the whole dinner party thing, I would ask my other half to speak to the friends before hand and ask them not to bring anything up. People won't talk about it if they know that you don't want to.

Vap0 Mon 31-Aug-15 17:21:14

Thanks for your reply amy it's sinking in more as the day goes on and I'm just a mess of tears and snot.
I'm so sorry for your loss too. It must be so hard when you have been planning it for so much longer.
I haven't had it confirmed as I think all the Drs are closed today with it being bank holiday, but I'm also not in the right frame of mind to speak with anyone about it today, I don't think I'd be able to get the words out for tears. I don't think anything could survive the amount of blood so I'm pretty sure.
I did see the dr on Friday as I was having cramps and brown spotting, he poked about a bit which was quite painful, he wanted me in for an early scan but they couldn't do anything with the bank holiday and typically I'm away with work from tomorrow morning until Friday afternoon. sad He is due to call me back tomorrow with an appointment for a scan. I'm not sure if there is much point now? I can pretty much put my finger on when it all ended, Friday morning, I stopped being totally exhausted which had been so debilitating for a couple of weeks. That was when the cramps started too. I'm 99.9% certain.
I've read about people being told to wait so the Drs can date it but if that's the only reason I'm not waiting. I'll ask the dr tomorrow.
Ref the dinner party, I don't want to draw any attention to it so will keep stum and tell dp he needs to fend this off in a firm but polite manner if it is brought up.
We haven't told anyone in real life about the pregnancy or mc as it was early days and we have been away since finding out. However some people do know we are trying. I'll just have to try to avoid the people who know we are trying and who are likely to, very innocently and with the best intentions ask "how's it going?" because I think I'll just crack.

You speak of faint pregnancy tests.... I had one this morning and it was a real squinter, they have been getting paler since my strongest (still faint) line on Thursday. Hopefully that will mean it isn't too long to wait. You've just reminded me I need to buy some more.

Do you use opk's? If so when do you think you'll start testing again? I was thinking of starting to test when the bleeding stops. 10 -14 days of wearing pads sounds like hell! Takes me back to horrible teenage years and feeling dirty all the time. Yuck!

I'm just so sad that after 2 years now and it's ended like this. However I'm trying to keep positive that I actually managed to get pregnant in the 1st place which has been the entire battle for so many months!

Please tell me it gets easier?

A very good quote to keep me going...

"It will all be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not yet the end"

amymb86 Mon 31-Aug-15 17:49:21

I can't imagine what you are going through, it's such a lonely time. I felt quite lucky as my friend who had gone through a similar thing about 9 months ago knew about my pregnancy. I didn't want to tell anyone but the closer I got to the scan date the harder it was to keep quiet as I was a drinker. She helped me through things a lot. She recommended using the night time pads and taking a tonic called metatone as I was feeling unwell with it. The whole time my thoughts were with people suffering recurrent miscarriages or those who ttc for a while, i tried to see things positively (or I might drive myself mad).
In terms of trying again, your doctor will say to wait a month, but I'm not waiting at all. Apparently you're most fertile in the 6 months after a miscarriage and that is the only thing that's helping me through.

I had a private scan when I suspected mc. I then started suffering really bad pains when I was passing the sac and ended up going to the gyno ward. I wasn't planning on having another scan after the first one but the doctor wanted to see how much tissue was remaining. I was really glad she sent me for one, as the nurse confirmed there was only a small amount left and she also checked to see whether my tubes and ovaries were normal. This made me feel a whole lot better as I knew there was no issues with becoming pregnant again. It's completely up to you though.

Once the hcg is out of your system your pregnancy test will be negative and that usually means that the miscarriage is over.

I plan on using the opks when I have a negative pregnancy test, I've been told that the hcg can effect the ovulation result (although how true this is I don't know).

Seeing the positives is the best thing you can do, you've done it before, it will happen again!

It definitely gets easier. I found it easier when I stopped miscarrying. That felt like a constant reminder of what I was going through. I had to keep reminding myself that it was natures way of saying that something wasn't right. It will happen again.

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