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Struggling to process Medical loss of baby

(12 Posts)
primarynoodle Sun 09-Aug-15 20:02:38

Am just looking for some advice/support after a termination 4 days ago due to a lethal diagnosis at our 12 week scan.

We opted for a medically managed miscarriage at 13 weeks so that a postmortem could be done, but i didnt really understand that actual it is an induced labour with waters breaking and contractions and delivering a fully formed tiny baby.

I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that i am not pregnant any more and that the future me and dp had planned is gone. This was my first pregnancy and after having 2 happy scans at 8 and 11 weeks we were so naive in thinking everything was ok.

i have physical tmi questions about what to expect now and if the 'texture' and amount of bleeding is normal.. I have found it difficilt to find answers as not many people who have a 'wanted' abortion wait until 13 weeks if they have the pills, and most people with a baby that terminate due to our diagnosis find out at 20+ weeks so in both cases i think their experience of blood loss etc will be different. Also most people who have this procedure because of mmc have a baby much smaller than ours was (13+1). Does the stage of the baby even have an impact on the physical aftermath?

Mentally, I am desperate to find somewhere to talk to other people that have had to go through this and how they began to move on... dp is so supportive but he doesnt fully understand - well how could he?

right now all i want is to be pregnant again and its getting harder to hold myself together sad

sorry for the longggg op - any help or advice with any of the above would be appreciated thanks

Pagerty Sun 09-Aug-15 21:56:05

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this my lovely. It's just not fair is it.

I know my loss was different from yours as it happened naturally at 12+5 and while they could not be 100% certain as to when my baby died (as they needed to have scanned it in utero for it to be accurate) they assumed from what I passed that it happened around 12 weeks, so a little before you.

I have had a baby before so I recognised that I did have a very mild labour with contractions, I passed everything together. From what I have read on here, I believe I got off very lightly with my MC/pain/bleeding, which I am very grateful for.

I had a MC last year at 6.5 weeks and I have struggled with this one so much more. You get to the 'magic' 12 week mark and you do tend to let your guard down. You also start to plan and dream about the future and I had even bought my first few items of maternity clothing.

It will be 2 weeks tomorrow for me so if there is anything I can help you with please just say.

I hope you get the answers you are looking for flowers

Doublebubblebubble Sun 09-Aug-15 22:13:04

Hi x last year I had a mmc @ 11+4. Perfect scan at 8 weeks. So close to my 12 weeks - gah!

(entirely different from what you are going through) but yes it felt like a labour. I delivered the foetus at home and had to have 3 d&cs (I can't remember what they call them now) to get yhe retained remenents of the pregnancy... I lost sooo much blood and ended up fitting (I had to "do it" alone too as my dh had to look after my DD).

In 2012 I had a stillbirth of twins @24+6. My waters broke 6 days before they were born , we tried strict bed rest etc to get the waters to repair but they just wouldn't and the boys were getting distressed - meconium in waters) so my consultant said that it was time to do the right thing for them (and for me - I had an infection and all sorts of other things going on) and I was induced the day they were born (6 hour labour). In my eyes because I had to be induced - something I signed off on- I also had to sign DNR's for them - something I think about often. it was like havign a medical termination. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone else.

I'm so sorry op that you're going through this and you will be in my thoughts


primarynoodle Sun 09-Aug-15 22:53:09

pagerty it isnt the same but i cant imagine how i would cope with a mc that late - at least with me i will hopefully get an answer for why it happened. I miss the feb bus terribly and amongst other emotions i keep getting waves of anger that i can't still be on it, i guess thats normal sad

double im so sorry about your losses thanks i dont know how you even begin to move on from your experiences. Would you mind me asking how you knew you had to have a d&c? ive not been asked to go back for a scan.

I am worried about the bleeding now as although nurses were great during the mmc - lack of preparation or research meant i was totally unprepared and it ended up being very traumatic.... i dont know if either of you can help as im not sure if its the same as i was induced with pills but apart from one huge blood clot after having the baby i havent past any clots since and although i bled quite lightly for the first 2 days the blood has been quite 'stringy' and has got heavier today (3 days after mc) - is this similar to your experiences? Im terrified of having to go back into hospital for surgery sad

Pagerty Sun 09-Aug-15 23:19:16

Noodle I miss the Feb bus awfully too. With my first MC I never got round to joining any pregnancy threads, this time I felt far more invested in this pregnancy and still can't snap out of it, I have to fight a constant battle not to go over there and post.

As for bleeding, I had hardly any clots at all. Just a few 50p sized ones and my bleeding was never more than a period. EPU kept telling me not to think the worst and to attend my scan as normal the next day, even I was shocked when I actually miscarried as I was expecting so much worse. Bleeding slowed right down the moment I passed everything. As I had a scan the next day, they were able to check and were satisfied that nothing was left (although I still have to take a test next week to make sure I get a BFN and let them know the result). I bled like a period for a week (medium to light flow), had nothing for a few days but now have dark blood on wiping only. I'm feeling perfectly fine in myself so assuming that's normal.

Reading so much on here about bleeding after loss, I think it is varies so much. If you ever are really unsure, just call them, I'm sure they will be more than happy to put your mind at ease.

Double so sorry for your losses, you made such a brave decision for your two boys.

Doublebubblebubble Mon 10-Aug-15 00:28:15

The d&cs (well A d&c was ) were organised by my epau.

It was meant to be under a general anaesthetic but because I had passed the foetus at home-

(we had to bring it I don't like saying it with us. the hospital disposed of the remains.)

- and everything was going so fast We had to rush to the hospital - DD in tow.

they took me round to a little side room (im quite a quick labourer - DD was 4.5, twins were induced at 3pm dats1 was born at 20:11pm and dats2 was born at 20:40pm - the same day. so its always a rush for me)

also, I know this wasn't a labour in the strict sense but as I said before - it certainly felt like labour

they took my bp - which was very very low and gave me gas and air to suck on.

They inserted a speculum (I hate them, I hate them, I hate them) and tried to get it all out - no such luck - then they tried again and again - eventually after they were happy it was all out and the pain had subsided - it took about two hours all in all. I was moved round to a short stay ward for a bit - eventually i had to buzz to ask to use the comode (glamorous) and promptly passed out and started fitting - very glad I had a nurse with me. When I woke up I had an oxygen mask on and my dh was soooooooo upset because he couldn't do anything (no one was available to look after our DD)

Mine is a bit of a horror story. I hate telling it all. I hate having this as my history. My life. But talking helps. Sadly I haven't really thought about it (the mmc) properly for a little while - I know I think about my twins everyday, because it is different.

(I am currently 32 weeks with a boy so trying to go through labour options with my midwife and consultant is pretty difficult as I am now, pretty much, petrified of everything, can't wait for him to be here though x )).

You should get a call soon and they will ask how you want it to be done to which I thoroughly recommend general anaesthetic. Dont be a hero. They will also give you a bit of a counselling session/talk through the procedure before you have it x

Talking about all of these horrible things that we go through really really does help. I'm always free in the evenings to talk if you want to x

primarynoodle Mon 10-Aug-15 10:31:30

pagerty i am glad for you that the bleeding is almost over it is just a constant reminder that i am most definitely not pregnant anymore sad

i havent been given a follow up scan/appointment/ contact number to ask any questions so im getting concerned about missing something abnormal and ending up affecting further pregnancies or having an operation etc sad

double i cant even imagine how awful that must have been for you, i hope you are getting lots and lots of support to process that awful experience and sad loss of your twins thanks

will i definitely have to have a d&c then? nobody has mentioned anything to me and i asked when i left the hospital on friday morning what to look out for that was abnormal but nobody mentioned having to come back in for that - just to phone if i was going through more than 2 pads an hour (i passed the baby and placenta intact and in one go and passed one huuuuge blood clot but other than thay just light bleeding by the time i left).

Doublebubblebubble Mon 10-Aug-15 11:33:08

I think it depends so I would, were I in your shoes, give the epau a call just to see. To me (I am just a lay person with no medical background remember) I would say that you probably wont need one if you have passed everything - if youre not convinced They could give you a scan to check maybe xx

Doublebubblebubble Mon 10-Aug-15 11:34:33

Oh and bleeding afterwards for me was very much like a period and only lasted a week or so. X

Pagerty Mon 10-Aug-15 22:09:09

I haven't had a D&C Noodles and while I was scanned this time, I'm sure it was only because it was already booked and while I knew I had passed the baby they didn't so at that point they were treating me with unexplained bleeding. We also took all that I passed in and I am glad I did or the sonographer told me she would have had to class it as a pregnancy of unknown location as they knew I was pregnant, but could find no evidence of it. I would have needed further testing, possibly invasive, so I was pleased to have avoided that. I still feel guilty for letting the hospital dispose of my baby sad

I never had a follow up scan for my previous MC. The aftercare guidelines I was given (both times) is that as long as you don't start bleeding heavily again, have pain, have a fever, feel very unwell or are still testing positive after three weeks, all is well. Have they not asked you to test in 3/4 weeks and let them know the result? If not, I would test and if still positive, phone the EPU (that was the number I was given) as mine said they would want to see me to make sure nothing was left behind.

It must have been so shocking for you, it's still early days so please be gentle with yourself.

Double you have been through such a devastating experience. I wish you all the best with your current pregnancy.

KittyandTeal Tue 11-Aug-15 19:51:42

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby.

I also had a tfmr at 22 weeks after a lethal diagnosis.

I was quite a bit further on, so like you said, I can't help with the questions about bleeding etc.

However, I would suggest you contact arc if you have not already. They are wonderful and will be able to put you in touch with someone who has been in a similar situation.

It's such an awful time. Be kind to yourself

primarynoodle Wed 12-Aug-15 20:32:15

pagerty im moving across the country next week so not sure ill be able to phone the epu at the new place :/ i passed another clump of (im assuming) tissue this morning and now the bleeding has pretty much stopped - i dont know what to make of everything, itll be one week tomorrow.

you must be so relieved you took everything in! And i completely identify with regretting letting the hospital 'deal' with the remains, i was given about 30 seconds to sign the forms about what i wanted the hospital to do with the baby and i wish in hindsight they had given me the forms the morning after my baby was born... it was all too much of a blur to make a proper decision at the time but i wish i had the ashes now sad i have rang the sonographer from the 12 week scan and demanded a photo though, i didnt get one on the day.

hope youre doing ok pag thanks

kitty i got my pack from arc today and i will ring the helpline in the morning when i havent got work, thanks for the advice and so sorry for your loss x

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