Lost my only baby, struggling to cope with pregnancy annoucements

[anais2403]

I posted this in the bereavement section, but I suspect lots of people experiencing miscarriage might relate and be able to offer words of advice / reassurance / support.

My daughter died in December suddenly, of a heart problem we didn't know she had. She was 17months old, so gorgeous, so wonderful, so lovely. Her death was pretty traumatic - but I suppose any child's death is.

My husband and I are tight. But life is sad and painful.

We don't know whether what she had was genetic, it's a possibility and we're waiting to get test results back. I am also anxious about having another baby and coping with the anxiety that brings. But while we wait for results, we try not to think about these things as far as possible, they're outside of my control.

I also have found all the happiness around friends' pregnancies (and weddings) very difficult. All this hope and happiness that's promised, which I feel we have been robbed of. I also feel jealous. I try to be happy for my friends, but I am also very sad for us.

My coping strategies so far have involved work (not too much, just enough to fill my days), exercise and seeing friends. But on top of all of this, I've just broken my ankle and I'm sofa-bound. So work opportunities are limited and obviously I can't do any exercise. We moved a few years, and close friends in our current home town don't have kids (though most want some and will have some in the next few years), which means we can socialise a lot and we enjoy that. It's not always easy to talk to them though because they are not as close as friends where we used to live...

I am an open person and I tell my friends that I'm sad for me, but happy for them. But mostly, I don't see them (can't remember the last time I saw a pregnant person) and I am filled with anxiety about seeing them. But I also don't want to loose friends. One friend was insensitive one too many times - sure she didn't meant it - but I've stopped seeing her.

Any words of wisdom? Any similar experiences? Any suggested coping strategies? Any articles / books I can read to help? I'm sure people who have had late miscarriages or gave birth to sleeping babies will have lots of wise words... help!

[MerdeAlor]

What an awful thing for you



There is a supportive thread in bereavement for parents who have lost children. I don't know the name but it has been running for some time. It could be helpful to you?

[JCleRoux]

I didn't want to read and run. No advise per se but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss

[MerdeAlor]

Dreading pregnancy announcements and seeing friends with children a similar age to your beloved little girl is entirely normal.
Please don't worry about that or feel anxious about it. Your feelings take priority over theirs. Stay away if needs be, do whatever feels right for you.

I've not lost a child but had several MC. It has taken me years to get past friends pregnancy announcements.

[KittyandTeal]

I'm so sorry for your loss, how awful for you all. We lost our dd2 at 22weeks pregnant, that has been hard enough. I am very anxious about something happening to dd1, I cannot imagine the pain.

If you google 'still standing magazine' they have some wonderful articles about grief and being a mother without living children. It has got a religious element to it but I'm an atheist and have found it comforting.

In regards to cope strategies, I cannot help I'm afraid, I still struggle with pregnancies and babies. We're currently ttc but the idea of being pregnant terrifies me.

[inamaymaybewrong]

I second the Still Standing recommendation. Also, the Mariposa Trust / Saying Goodbye.
I'm so so sorry for your loss.
Can you ask your GP for a referral for counselling? Mindfulness techniques could also help you day-to-day and there are lots of free resources online. Keep posting here for support. x

[inamaymaybewrong]

If you decide to try again. a charity called Arc are the experts on ante-natal and genetic testing.