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dont know if this is the right place - 27wks. baby died 3 wks ago.

(168 Posts)
gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 18:30:56


some of you may have seen me around on other threads. i am 27 weeks pregnant today. due to issues with ds development we have been having regular scans, today was one of them.

i now need to return to hospital on friday to have labour induced and deliver ds. now i know this will be similar to tfmr and wondered if anyone could guide me through it.

i know this might not be the best place to put it in detail so feel free to pm me.

i am scared but a part of me is accepting because our son was going to be disabled with quite a severe leg disability so even if he had made it to full term we would have had a hard journey on our hands (however the pregnancy was very much wanted, even after discovering that).

anyway any advice would be really appreciated. thank you thanks

AppleSnapple Wed 22-Jul-15 18:34:12

I have no experience of this but couldn't read and run. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I hope you and your dp are ok- silly thing to say as how could you be. Every best wish for the future and i hope Friday goes as ok as it can.

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 18:54:31

thank you for that apple much appreciated. we are ok. heartbroken but ok.

he just wasnt meant for this world. in a way we are taking some relief from it. for the last 7 weeks we have worried and worried about what his leg would be like, the surgeries he would have to endure and whether he would live a fulfilled life, not to mention how we would cope. so taking a positive from it, we now no longer have to worry about all of that.

thanks a lot thanks

MrsHathaway Wed 22-Jul-15 19:01:41

I'm so very sorry to hear your news.

I don't have personal experience from which to give advice but I know that when my friend had a similar loss the hospital was very supportive in allowing them to take their time making memories including taking footprints. You could think about playing some special music or reading him a story or poem that has meaning to you and your family.

Have you already chosen his name? Would you share it with us?

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 19:07:40

selfishly its the labour part of it im interested in. ive never had a baby before so am petrified.

i was thinking of taking music. that would be helpful hopefully.

the only name dp and i kind of agreed on was lucas so i guess that is what we will go with.

MaybeDoctor Wed 22-Jul-15 19:17:19

What a sad situation for you all. Could not see your thread and leave it unanswered.

I understand that in these situations the hospital will give you any pain relief you request in labour. There might be a specialist bereavement midwife you can speak to beforehand.

You might like to think about dressing or wrapping your baby - but if it is too much to think about then the hospital will have clothes/blankets available.

As your baby is over 24 weeks be aware that you will need to register their birth and the fact that they have passed away as well. Again, the registrars should give you a special appointment.

Pls take a look at the SANDS website as there is a lot of help on there.

angelopal Wed 22-Jul-15 19:18:43

So sorry for your loss. SANDS forums are really supportive. I used them when I lost dc1 neonatally.

Just try and take it one day at at time. Take care.

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 19:20:12

thankyou maybe the hospital have assured me i can have all the pain relief i want but i dont know how that will help if you get what i mean? like will i not be in pain or just be able to cope with it?

what will it feel like when i actually deliver?

i recently bought a beautiful blanket for him from john lewis i will take to wrap him in. i think all clothes will be too big, he is only estimated to weigh 700g. will he need clothes if i take a blanket?

i will have a look at sands. thank you.

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 19:20:43

thank you angel

YouBastardSockBalls Wed 22-Jul-15 19:20:49

I'm so sorry you're going through this flowers

It's my understanding that there are way more options available to you in the way of stronger pain relief. The focus will all be on you.

I'm so so sorry for you. You sound so strong and positive, which will no doubt help you.


MrsHathaway Wed 22-Jul-15 19:21:32

Lucas is lovely.

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 19:47:33

i dont know about that just cant fall to pieces. we lost my mil 3wks ago tomorrow. my dp needs me. we need each other.

as i say he was going to have big problems when born so i think it is natures way of being kind if thats even possible. i just want to get through friday. i know it will take a long time to heal.

sounds silly but i had a complicated mmc in november last year. it hit me really hard but i think i am stronger for it. hopefully that strength will help me through.

thank you so much thanks

boardblonde Wed 22-Jul-15 19:58:27

I am so sorry to hear this. What a difficult thing for you to go through. Hugs.

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 19:59:13

thanks blonde really appreciate it.

escorpion Wed 22-Jul-15 20:26:43

so sorry ginger sending you love and hugs and flowers

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 20:36:31

thank you so much thanks

3under4 Wed 22-Jul-15 20:37:16

ginger the biggest hug ever for you. All the love, strength and support in the world. Xxxxxxx

Coconutty Wed 22-Jul-15 20:42:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 20:54:10

thank you everyone, means a lot xx

theSweetandtheSour Wed 22-Jul-15 21:25:28

Hi ginger. I've had a similar experience, though technically not a tfmr. I was induced in May at 23+5 after my waters broke due to an infection. I asked to be induced as I wanted the process to be over as soon as possible. I'd already been in hospital for a week after having a rescue stitch placed - I was 8cm dilated. I hadn't realised I was dilating at the time, I'd gone in as I'd had a small bleed. The week before delivery was the worst of my life. Things kept changing and I was desperate to keep my baby in as long as possible. It was looking like I would get home and then my waters broke. When this happened I knew it was over. After hours of agonising we decided to give our daughter comfort care which the neonatologist agreed to as she was so small. The delivery itself was not as bad as I was expecting. I had dihydracodeine, paracetamol and gas and air. Shortly after the second lot of drugs to induce me the contractions started to ramp up and get more painful. At this point I was given gas and air and the midwife helped me get into a position I found comfortable. I was on my knees leaning over the head of the bed. I stayed like that until I felt something pushing below. At this point the midwife helped me onto my back and immediately my baby started to deliver. It didn't take much pushing and the gas and air was enough to deal with the pain. I was in no pain afterwards. I found the delivery very peaceful and intimate as everyone involved was so so kind and respectful. This is the first time I've written or spoken about this so I hope it is of some help to you. I'm sorry you are going through this. You will be amazed at the strength you will find within yourself xxx

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 21:33:32

thank you so much for sharing your story. thats very helpful. i just want to be prepared. i know i am bound to be in some pain but as long as i can cope with it i will be ok.

this is not a tfmr. my ds was diagnosed with and under developed leg at 20wk scan. he had tiny femur, missing fibula and clubfeet. there was also debate over whether he had scoliosis or not. i had an amnio to rule out chromosone problems and this came back clear so we thought he was ok (although disabled) but everything else on the scan was showing healthy and in the right ranges. at the last scan he was fine and susbsequent mw appointment his hb was amazing. so sad it has come to this but i guess he was just too poorly! thanks again i really appreciate it. how long was your labour would you say? also i am so very sorry for your loss thanks xx

MrsHathaway Wed 22-Jul-15 21:44:21

flowers Sweet - I'm so sorry for your loss.

gingerbreadmam Wed 22-Jul-15 21:56:17

thank you xx

Bingbangboo Wed 22-Jul-15 22:01:27

Hi Ginger, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a TFMR at 19 weeks. Firstly, does your hospital have a bereavement midwife? I was incredibly anxious before going in to be induced but she was so patient and helpful with all my questions.
I went in to the labour ward at 9 and was put in a quiet end room. I had a cannula put in my hand and a morphine pump I could self administer whenever I needed. I had the first pessaries at 10 and more at 2, I wasn't in pain and the contractions were mild. My waters broke fairly forcefully at about 5 and I then bled quite heavily and our daughter arrived an hour later. I only used the morphine for the last few contractions, it was more that my body expelled her and she almost slipped out, rather than I had to push or anything.
Our hospital didn't have a cold cot but we stayed in overnight with her anyway. The midwives were all lovely, and respectful -I couldn't have asked for more. They put her in a knitted pouch and laid her in a little basket. They did her hand and footprints and the photographer took some beautiful photos.
It was undoubtedly the most traumatic period of my life, but is is bearable and you can get through it.
I'll be thinking of you on Friday

theSweetandtheSour Wed 22-Jul-15 22:06:51

Thank you both.

I was given the first set of drugs to induce me at 9:50am and the second dose at 12:50. My contractions became much stronger shortly after this and I delivered my daughter at 3:30pm. She did not survive the delivery.

I was very calm immediately afterwards and I think my partner and i were in survival mode. A midwife took our daughter and cleaned and dressed her then brought her to us in a Moses basket. We didn't want to hold her at this point but did spend some time holding her before we left the hospital. I am glad that we did. We left the hospital at 9:30pm as I had to wait 6 hours after delivery to make sure the bleeding was normal.

The bleeding was very heavy that night and the next day but began to slow down after that. It stopped after three weeks - though following this I ended up back in hospital for an erpc after I had a post-partum haemorrhage due to retained products.

My milk also came in a few days after delivery. I wore breast pads and took ibuprofen as I was quite uncomfortable initially. My doctor said I could have drugs to stop this but I felt I didn't need them.

I'm really glad to be able to help you if I can. It is giving me comfort to know that going through something so difficult as enabled me to help someone else going through a similar thing.

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