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Coping with questions about TTC post miscarriage

(5 Posts)
RegLlamaOfBrixton Tue 21-Jul-15 13:01:32

I had my first miscarriage at 5+2 at the end of March after falling pg on first attempt (would have been DC3). Although I'd only found out that I was pg 4 days previously it was, and continues to be, mentally very hard, although mercifully physically no worse than a normal period. When TTC, DH and I have always kept it to ourselves as I feel like it places a lot of pressure on the whole event if other people know and it seems like such a personal thing. When the MC happened, DH, who is great at practical support, was so utterly crap on an emotional level that I ended up telling most of my friends about the MC, which was great at the time, and I got so much support and strength from friends who had been through the same thing.

But now I don't know what to say when people ask me if we're trying again. The truth is that we've been trying (sadly unsuccessfully) again since the MC ended. People who've asked outright I've told I'm not ready yet and people who haven't asked I've tried to be deliberately vague. I've told two friends the truth, partly because I rarely see them in person which somehow makes it easier, one is having issues TTC DC1 so we are supporting each other. But I'm now forgetting what I've said to who, and wondering how much longer I can claim to be 'not ready' for. The worst situation is with a close friend who announced her second pg 8 weeks after the MC who asks me pretty much every time I see her, which is obviously hard for me anyway now, what we're going to do. She made a big deal at the time about how great it was that she got pg straightaway as there was no pressure etc. and I feel like she's pitying me enough, without her knowing that I'm now trying and failing to conceive again.

Don't know what I'm looking for really, probably some cure all sentence that will permanently stop the questions. confused

badg3r Tue 21-Jul-15 13:15:56

So sorry to hear about your loss. How about just saying you Fi d the topic difficult, something like "I'm sorry but I'm not ready to talk about ttc again yet" and change the subject. Hopefully your friends Will be tactful and will realise not to ask again till you bring it up.

Lilly89 Tue 21-Jul-15 16:07:28

I am in a similar situation, someone I work with is pregnant is about 5 weeks behind where i should have been. She asks me constantly and I have told her yesterday i am not ready to talk about it and it still hurts a lot. Hopefully she will get the picture. Friends and family don't ask me now I have told them the above aswell x

RegLlamaOfBrixton Wed 22-Jul-15 12:18:58

Thanks badg3r and Lilly, I think this approach is really useful, not a blatant lie, but hopefully clear enough to stop the questions. Sorry for your loss too Lilly, MC is tough enough, and then it feels like being kicked when you're down when someone who is part of your everyday life is pg, my friend is also a similar time behind where I would have been. With hindsight I wish I'd been much more selective with who I told about the MC, but I did what I thought was best at the time I guess. To my shame I'm sure I've been guilty of asking people if they will try again after a MC. Never again!!

ShebaShimmyShake Wed 22-Jul-15 19:21:14

I can't understand why people ask these things at all. It always seems so rude and intrusive.

You don't owe them anything, I don't think you even owe them politeness after they are so rude, but for the sake of peace and your own wellbeing, I guess you can just say, "That is personal, please do not ask me about it unless I bring it up first, and feel free to tell everyone else that it's not something I want other people mentioning unless I do."

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