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How has miscarriage changed you (if at all)?

(31 Posts)
BottomleyPottsSpots Fri 17-Jul-15 22:20:59

I know this is a bit of an odd question, but I have always wondered whether I am the only person to feel 'changed' by the miscarriage experience or whether others too feel that they are, in some way, different.

So please, if you think it has had an impact on you - or none at all - tell me your views.

My experience:
DH and I went through 3 miscarriages in the first year of marriage. Even 7 years later, with 3 healthy children, there's no doubt that we are both very different people because of what we went through. It had a lasting impact on our marriage too.

Personally, I still can't hear pregnancy announcements without feeling a slight punch in the gut. I'm more cautious, and probably more cynical. But, equally - and I can only really say this now the acute pain of loss has dulled - I can see some positives. I've formed wonderful bonds and friendships with others who have had losses. I've learned a lot about human grief, resilience and hope.

JanineMelnitzGlasses Fri 17-Jul-15 22:33:30

It has made me very cautious about celebrating the news of pregnancy (anyone's pregnancy) until the baby has arrived. It's sad really and I feel slightly envious of people who appear to have completely care-free pregnancies. I've had two miscarriages (one either side of DS) and I've just had a BFP this week. I'm more apprehensive than excited.

That said, a few close friends have had IVF (both successful and failed) and my best friend is currently going through the adoption process. When I stop and think about it, I am grateful that I have I had one successful pregnancy. I wish people would speak about it more though, it's not really spoken about in RL (unless it's just me?).

Sighing Sat 18-Jul-15 14:10:27

I am immensely withdrawn, i've lost most trust in everyone. I've realised the empty hollow sentiments other humans feel for others. My faith in anyone is all but gone. I found none of my rl friends or family think much of it. They don't acknowledge etc. We've had further losses and noone knows. I'm pregnant now. Every day is a struggle emotionally, most days I cry (because of the worry and this sense of isolation - I cracked and told the most sympathetic friend about this pregnancy. She said 'no reason to be excited though, is there'.)
I feel i can never trust a test nor the 2 scans so far showing progress. The second loss came after a hb. My friend dealing with IVF has made me feel a lot of guilt, 'everything must be fine with the embryos then'. I blame myself everyday but I still have withdrawn from my mother and friends over their speed to blame me and the sad realisation noone has a genuine interest in how i feel. Everything I ever thought about being cared for by others has been an illusion. People only are there for the good bits and what they can get.
Sorry. Midcarriage has changed me. I have zero trust in others when it comes yo my emotions.

Nousername2015 Sat 18-Jul-15 17:54:08

Its changed me beyond belief. When i hear pregnancy announcements i think 'how silly of you, don't you realise what could happen'? I'm pregnant now and the anxiety is proving very difficult to manage, my husband has also been incredibly anxious throughout this time. Genuinely feel like there is an old me and a new me, the new me can be very hard and unsympathetic at times.

EchoesOfLeon Sat 18-Jul-15 18:27:10

I wasn't naive as a person before but I've lost any last traces of that now. My miscarriage was my first pregnancy but after fertility treatments so I'll never get that 'happy' pregnancy feeling. I had 4 scans before we knew there was a problem so when I see people announcing pregnancies before a scan or even after the 12 week one it makes me want to laugh in a hollow way (I would never want anyone to go through this but it's a kind of 'you silly trusting fools' kind of way).

I feel sad at random times and want to be on my own more than before. Some friends let me down during the loss and I can't forgive/forget.

I don't feel ready to say that we aren't going to try again but I'm terrified about doing more fertility treatments and god knows what state id be in if I actually got pregnant again. Probably hibernate until 20 weeks and certainly wouldn't enjoy any aspect of early pregnancy. I'm angry for thinking like that and sad to think it's our reality.

So all in all I've lost some positive aspects of myself and added a few negative. The prospect of shit things happening in my life is no longer an idea but a reality and feels like a certainty.

RiverTam Sat 18-Jul-15 18:30:10

No, not really. I Am a bit hmm if someone makes a pg announcement before 12weeks, but no, not really. I have had 7 mcs and 1 child with no hope of having any more.

whohasnickedmyvodka Sat 18-Jul-15 18:39:03

I'm 17+2 at the moment and I'm petrified I lost my dd in October at 18+2 I haven't made any pregnancy announcement my parents don't know only 3 real life close friends I'm absolutely petrified at the moment

hazeyjane Sat 18-Jul-15 18:41:22

I had 3 miscarriages and have 3 children.

The 3rd miscarriage 'changed' me, but only because it led to cancer, a year of chemotherapy and a lifetime of bi-annual follow up checks. It made my relationship stronger, led to me starting my own business, gave me a different perspective on having children, but also gave me a lot of health anxiety, and meant that the pregnancies I had afterwards were very nerve wracking!

With the previous miscarriages, I was devastated, getting pregnant had taken over our lives, we were starting fertility treatment, but I just felt as though it was one of those shit things that happen. I am often surprised just how many people suffer one or more miscarriages.

I feel overwhelmed by my luck in having 3 children since my molar pregnancy (the one that became cancerous), I was 37 with dd1 (38 with dd2 and 41 with ds) and we had got to a place where we thought we wouldn't have children, and that was going to have to be ok.

Brummiegirl15 Sat 18-Jul-15 19:11:17

Absolutely. 100%

I've suffered 3 miscarriages in a year and am now on my fourth pregnancy. This one seems to be going ok - I'm 11+3 and my 12 week scan is literally in touching distance.

But I'm terrified, I have also lost after seeing a hb as well so scans and pregnancy tests mean sweet FA to me. Just means I'm pregnant and that particular moment.

I've lost that naivety and excitement of becoming pregnant. You see people excitedly declare "we're going to have a baby" and I've lost that because for me there is no guarantee I will actually get a baby.

It's failed 3 times previously so why should now be any different?

Even though I'm pregnant I also still feel like I've been punched when I hear pregnancy announcements. I still find it very difficult to look at pregnant women. Which considering I'm nearly 12 wks has been a bit hard!!

But I think it's also made me very aware of that you have no idea about people's stories. So when I eventually announce my pregnancy, there will be no scan picture on fb and regular pregnancy updates. They were like a kick in the teeth to me and I found it incredibly distressing. I would hate to make any woman feel like I did.

I will announce it, but that's it. And for me the announcement is "for me" in that more that my journey to get there has been brutal and traumatic and I need to try and enjoy it.

We've also re-evaluated our family plans after what has happened. We wanted 2 or 3 children but after loss after loss, we are not sure we can put ourselves through anymore heartache.

Hopefully this one is perfect and then that will be it for us. I will be so grateful we finally got there and that will be enough.

So yes, miscarriage has absolutely changed me - well us. It's been the darkest year of my life and not one I will ever forget in a hurry

Hugs to you all flowers

littlegizmo Sat 18-Jul-15 20:12:11

It's too soon for me to find out if it's changed me for good but right now I feel like I'm walking round under a dark numb cloud. I have my second scan 'to make sure there is nothing left' (what a f'ing horrible phrase) on Tuesday.
I was only 7 weeks so I feel like most of the world wonders why I'm so upset.... But I can't stop feeling so overwhelmingly sad. I spent 7 weeks imagining this little person, who she'd be. Telling the world about her and now there is nothing to show for that - I feel empty at that thought!
I'm also amazed and angry at how long I've been bleeding for. How cruel is this? Not only am I losing my baby but I have a reminder of it every time I go to the loo for over a week now.
I guess in short I feel sad, empty, angry and amazed that people get over this after seeing a scan of their baby or I happening more than once

MayorOfWhere Sat 18-Jul-15 20:17:58

It took me a long time to heal and tested my marriage but now I have a daughter it doesn't cross my mind usually.
flowers for all those who have been or are going through tough times.

jimijack Sat 18-Jul-15 20:41:24

Good question.
I've had 7 all together.

Pregnancy announcements turn my stomach. I too immediately think of how stupid and entitled people are. Especially with very early announcements.

I judge how deserving people are of healthy pregnancies. I hate that aspect as its unjustifiable.

I find it physically impossible to look at pregnant women, cannot discuss pregnancy but can talk about miscarriage until the cows come home.
To my shame, I feel irritated by people who harp on dramatically about the trauma of having one miscarriage, when I am here after 7 of the fucking bastards.

I do however completely treasure with my heart and very soul my 2 miracle babies especially ds 2 who is my true gift, who I still look at in utter wonder and ask him "how are you here?" A thousand times a day.
He is 2 now & I left my job of 23 years in order to be with him and not have to give him to anyone else to look after. I can't bear to be parted from him. I waited for 10 years and suffered 5 miscarriages, had given up hope, stopped trying, got the pill. Aged 42 enough was enough.

We had ds 1, 2 mcs before we got him. We were grateful beyond words to have him.

Suddenly ds 2 was there. On the scan screen.

I never ever considered myself to be pregnant, just continuously miscarrying.

Strong believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason.
So yes, changed me into a not very charitable person.

BottomleyPottsSpots Sat 18-Jul-15 21:51:27

Thank you so much for your honesty and courage in answering my questions. A lot to think about, read and digest.

To those of you in the 'eye of the storm' with loss at the moment, you have powerfully evoked the pain and raw grief - I know it was probably painful to write the feelings down. The only thing I can say is please, whatever you do, don't feel guilty for these feelings.

To those of you in the early days of pregnancy: it's like waiting for the sword to fall. It's bloody horrible. I hope with everything I've got that this is your 'take home baby'. Please keep posting if it would be of any help at all, I vividly remember how hellish it is.

To those who, like me, are looking back over a longer timeframe, I think it's particularly interesting to look at the different perspectives that emerge. There clearly is no single 'right' way to feel after this kind of experience...

Thank you - I would love to read more. So much to think about.

CMOTDibbler Sat 18-Jul-15 21:58:09

I had three miscarriages before ds, the first of which was a very missed mc and I found out at my 12 week scan. DS was early and not very well at birth as well.

Even though ds is 9 now, I can't be excited for anyone pregnant, and fret till they've had the baby and all is known to be well.

BrockAuLit Sat 18-Jul-15 22:12:15

I've never had a miscarriage. My heart goes out to you all, whether one or multiple. The tragedy has always struck me as such a pitifully, painfully, cruelly lonely one.

flowers to you all

KittyandTeal Sun 19-Jul-15 09:08:35

I lost my dd2 at 22 weeks after a tfmr so not exactly a mc but it has changed me massively.

I have had 6 months of specialist counselling. I am now totally different, I'm more empathetic, less judgemental, much, much kinder to myself. I've actually started liking myself. I see myself as strong and able rather than weak.

It's very strange as I've had significant mh issues all my life after being abused as a teenager. I have always hated myself but been a 'happy on the outside' type. I'm now able to tell people how I feel, allow myself to feel whatever it is rather than telling myself I should be doing or feeling something different.

I was desperate for my dd2 to make an impact on the world when we lost her. I imagined doing charity work for arc or sands when I was a bit better. Her impact has actually been a massive change in the way I treat myself and see the world, much more significant for me.

That's not to say I have not had the hardest 6 months of my entire life or that I would chance it and have my dd2 here if I could. However, it's not been what I expected at all. I think mainly due to my wonderful counsellor.

hazeyjane Sun 19-Jul-15 09:21:34

Kitty flowers

I don't think anyone can predict how things will affect them, even if we try to do the whole, 'walk a mile in my shoes' thing - we all wear different shoes and are on different paths.

Dh and I often say that the year after I was on chemo was one of the best years - I had been so ill when I was on chemo, we had some horrible scares and I spent a lot of the year in hospital. We had no money (I couldn't work, dh worked pt to look after me), we kept away from people a lot and we thought we had no hope of ever having children.

We ran away to get married when chemo finished, we had no pressure to ttc as it is dangerous to do so for a year after chemo, we felt as though we had been through a terrible storm, and washed up on an unknown beach. I felt as though I could battle anything.

gingerbreadmam Sun 19-Jul-15 09:25:32

for the first 3 months following mmc it changed me massively. i never thought id be the same person again. now 8 months on and 6 months pregnant with my first i feel much better however it will never leave me.

when people break pregnancy news very early i get anxious.
i see my partner in a different light and wonder why he never hurt as much as i did.
i question whether the issues my unborn son has are linked to the mmc and treatment i had to have.

apart from all that though i am happy again and i dont think about it much. in a weird way i have accepted it and as time as gone by it feels nowhere near as bad as it did at the time. i can even look back now and think it wasnt quite a baby yet. i never knew id get to this point at the time. i did have counselling to help and a new pregnancy was the real healer i think.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Sun 19-Jul-15 11:39:15

In August I will have been married a year and I have had three miscarriages so far in that time.

I will be thirty in a couple of months and I'm truely dreading it because I feel I have nothing to celebrate.

The last year has been the worst one of my entire life and that saddens me very much because I love my husband and I don't want him to know I have felt this way almost out entire marriage.

I have had awful experiences at hospitals and doctors surgery and I now recognise that I have symptoms of ptsd. I have had to pay to go private because, after seven weeks, I still don't even have an appointment on the nhs.

I have recoiled from friends and family who seem to think I should be grateful I can get pregnant quickly and don't recognise the extreme mental and physical pain I have been in.

My so called career is in tatters. I'm a police officer and I've discovered the police don't consider miscarriages to be pregnancy related sickness like other workplaces do. I've been bitten, punched, kicked and abused for the last six years and the moment I need time to recover, through no fault of my own, I am penalised by an employer I have literally given my all for.

My DH believes it will happen if we keep going. We are Ttc. I have become more selfish. I am looking after myself for once and if I don't feel like doing something I'm not going to do it anymore and I don't care who I upset. I am putting my physical and mental health first and looking for a new job even if it involves a pay cut. I don't really believe we will ever have children but I'm going to try very hard to enjoy my childless life and try to just be happier in myself.

inamaymaybewrong Sun 19-Jul-15 14:30:46

It's given me added fear and hopelessness about pregnancy. I'm so grateful that we already have a child but he is the result of IVF as we were unable to conceive naturally. Our IVF worked first time and I had a trouble-free pregnancy (if my labour and delivery!)

We'd love to have another child but I have miscarried twice in the past 9 months: both 1st trimester, 1 FET pregnancy and the other a totally unexpected natural conception.

My losses make dealing with my friends who already have 2 kids or are pregnant with number two even harder.

I feel that MC is another burden we have to bear, in addition to the existing fertility issues.

I so want to be pregnant again but equally I find the prospect terrifying.

RiverTam Sun 19-Jul-15 17:20:48

snoopy after 3 mcs you should have been referred to your local recurrent miscarriage clinic. Get on to your GP if this hasn't happened.

Iggi999 Sun 19-Jul-15 17:33:30

Sighing you friend is talking rubbish, seeing a hb is an encouraging sign but doesn't mean there is no issue with the embryo. (I've had a confirmed trisomy after seeing a hb on an early scan). So please don't let that comment eat away at you.

Iggi999 Sun 19-Jul-15 17:48:24

Snoopysfriend, do the police have a choice about viewing MC as a pregnancy related illness, surely the equality act applies to them too? Though I can see why you might not feel up for a fight with them sad

kirinm Thu 23-Jul-15 12:39:48

I've had 4 plus an ectopic. My last was a mmc at 11 weeks and it was that that changed me. I'd become completely anxious when pregnant as I normally miscarried by 6 weeks. Since I'd got to 11 weeks without bleeding I felt like I'd cracked it.

It destroyed me and my desire to get pregnant again. This year has been taken up with cervical smear bad news and treatment and that has only added to the level of despair I feel about trying for a baby.

I know I'll try again but I know there's a risk that another miscarriage might break me. It'll certainly be the last.

casiopeia Fri 24-Jul-15 14:23:26

Dealing with 3rd mc atm and I have definitely changed in the past year. I cringe at early announcements and the arrogant smugness of people who announce pregnancy at 6 weeks, etc.

I became more selfish/worse person (1. today I did not give up my seat to a pregnant lady, well, technically my tests are still very positive, I feel crap emotionally and train was full of other people who seemed fit enough, I know that is not an excuse but hey, it made me bitterly happier-I am so sad! 2. No more favours to anybody, boss, neighbours etc- I use to try and please everyone, now it's me time, time of 'no I cannot help you with that!' -my husband thinks I can't pull it off long-term as I am 'too nice', but that is about to change )

I am confused about the future in a professional sense, I knew what I wanted, I loved my job and it linked nicely to the future role as a mother- plans were there, kids are not happening, I feel stuck and while not unhappy with what I am doing, it does not fulfill me any longer as I realise that I took the easy career path as a preparation for maternity leave etc. Which now seems unnecessary and stupid.

One huge positive- DH and I got to know each other so much better (or in a different light) and whole horrid experience has made us stronger as a couple. I thought we loved each other before, but after a brief scary breakdown on both sides after first mc, we have found each other again and know we are meant to be whatever life throws at us. (And he loves me still even though I turned into a bad person now!)

I am very sorry to people reading this, I really needed a rant and this topic just screamed at me to participate wine

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