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SIL still pregnant & I had an ERPC today

(14 Posts)
TailorMouse Fri 10-Jul-15 01:44:59

How do I cope with this? My sil is lovely, we were so excited and due within a week of each other but we lost our little one sad last week and I had an ERPC today. Couldn't face it at home.
I know they are sad, guilty and love us but all I'm feeling is resentment and an overwhelming sense that it's alright for them - they still get their baby.
Has anyone had a similar situation? How do I stop this tearing me or the whole family apart?

casiopeia Fri 10-Jul-15 09:21:51

OP first of all sorry for your loss! I very much understand what you are going through. My SIL announced her pregnancy a week after my second miscarriage (she didnt know) and sadly yesterday I underwent erpc for my third loss while she is due in couple of months. While I do wish her all the best and do not begrudge anything, I find it very emotionally hard, especially since we do get occasional family remarks about how the youger brother is going to be a dad first and seeing how very arrogantly smug they are (BIL only, SIL is lovely).

They do not know our situation, but I would have thought by now they all guessed. I cannot face to tell any of my -IL part of family, I think they would cause us nore upset than support.

No real advice, just know tou are not alone and hopefully ypur family will be of suppott and comfort flowerscake

BeautifulBatman Fri 10-Jul-15 09:23:11

It only happened today, give yourself some time. wine

Brummiegirl15 Fri 10-Jul-15 09:30:57

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I didn't have family member pregnant but when I went through my 3rd mc my colleague who sits directly opposite was pregnant and 5 weeks ahead of me.

After I came back to work I had to face her every single day and watch her get bigger and bigger and I was grieving for my 3 lost babies. I reached depths of pain and sadness and resentment that I never knew existed

Was just horrendous - but all you can do is just take it a day at a time.

I'm now pregnant again - for the 4th time - so all I can say is that eventually it does get easier and you learn to live with it flowers

TailorMouse Fri 10-Jul-15 09:56:49

Thank you everyone. I am feeling better today in general but just so so sad and have such a sense of 'it's not fair'.
It's actually breathtaking how it can be either the best or worst time of your lives.

CatnipMouse Fri 10-Jul-15 17:42:15

Hi Tailor

I'm not quite in the exact same situation as you but l do know how it can feel. My younger SIL rang to let me know she was pregnant just as I was starting IVF, then my younger sister announced her second pregnancy a week after my first go at IVF failed. Let alone all the 'happy news' I've heard over the years when we were still TTC in the normal way. It really bloody hurt. I have been so angry and upset I've actually been stamping my feet (literally) and howling with the unfairness of it all, not in front of them thankfully. Not mature or dignified. It's completely ok to be upset and scream and shout if that's what you need to do. It won't feel quite this bad forever.

My advice: tell them it hurts. Avoid seeing them if you think it'll be too painful but tell them why (nicely), by email if you can't do phone or face to face. Or get someone else to explain. After a while it will sting a bit less and you can see them then.

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you have kind people looking after you.

TailorMouse Sun 12-Jul-15 10:40:49

Thought I was going to be ok but other SIL called today saying they're due about 2 weeks before we would have been.
Universe clearly likes to kick when down sad

CatnipMouse Sun 12-Jul-15 11:06:58

Owwww. Really sorry you've had more news to absorb. That must have been very hard to hear. Did your other SIL know about your loss?
It's a shitty time for you, no point pretending otherwise. It's a cliché but it's true though, it won't last forever. flowers

TailorMouse Sun 12-Jul-15 11:21:22

Yes they knew - timing sucks, no idea why we absolutely had to know right now, we don't see them all that often.
Right now it's just so all consuming and difficult to even imagine being vaguely ok again let alone being happy for them. I can't think about not being so angry or just totally depressed.

getinthesea Sun 12-Jul-15 11:29:46

Don't try not to be angry, you're allowed to be, and more than that, you need to be. Stay away if you need to, and for as long as you need to. It's a bereavement, and it will take you as long as it takes to recover. And you don't have to be happy for them, that's OK too.

And as for your other SIL telling you when she knew that, she clearly has no idea. I'd stay clear for a while and let your DH deal with them all.

CatnipMouse Sun 12-Jul-15 19:54:21

Poor old you TailorMouse, that was pretty brutal. Do you think perhaps they were worried you might find out from someone else, or via Facebook?

Are you working tomorrow? Take it easy. X

SteggySaurus Sun 12-Jul-15 20:11:24

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know how you're feeling, when I had a miscarriage my DH's best friend and wife were expecting and we were due within a few days of each other. We planned to do loads of things together and we even had our 20 week scans booked for the same day. We didn't get to 20 weeks but they did and went on to have a beautiful baby girl.

It felt so unfair. I avoided seeing them as much as I could. They posted things on Facebook, I saw pictures of her growing and didn't understand why it had happened to me. I felt guilty for feeling mad at something they had no control over.

It did get better with time, but it was so hard. Things will still be so raw for you right now. They'll understand that you need some time and hopefully be a bit sensitive when talking about things around you.

Hope you feel a bit better soon. Again I'm so sorry for your loss thanks

TailorMouse Mon 13-Jul-15 17:04:47

I cannot begin to let you know how calming (if that's the right word) it to know that it's ok to feel this bitterness along with the grief. Obviously hasn't been helped by recent news but it is becoming just that teensy bit easier to breathe a little.
Think dp and I are just going to be selfish for a bit and focus on us and what we can cope with, and definitely distancing myself from certain family members for the moment.
On the slightly less bleak side it has made it gentler? to consider meeting up and spending time with first sil and my brother and starting on the path to forgiving them for what we don't have. Luckily we're close so they know it's all a mess and not directed at them because of them if that makes sense.
Sorry for the ramble - and I'm so glad I found mumsnet as I don't know how I would have coped the past week without it and you sweet people. cake and brew for everyone, thank you.

CatnipMouse Tue 14-Jul-15 08:45:07

Isn't it funny that sometimes we need 'permission' to feel the way we feel?! I know just what you mean.

Sounds like a good plan to be a bit 'selfish' and keep your distance for a while. Excellent idea.

So nice to hear you've found some help here.

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