Miscarriage at 17+4 & at a complete loss!

[SandyBeachGirl]

I'm just so gutted...after TTC for 4.5 years, 3 miscarriages & 3 rounds of IVF that nearly killed me from OHSS, my pregnancy actually went beyond that magic 12 week period. We didn't tell anyone until 13 weeks & only then (just family) because we went to a family wedding where it would be obvious I wasn't drinking.

I passed a large clot but no blood/pain (like I had with my previous miscarriage at 9weeks) at 15+5 weeks & spent the next day getting checked out. My baby was completely fine, good heart beat & everything looked fine so I went home happy. I decided to tell my friends at 16+1weeks but then on the same day, I suffered from 2 gushes of blood. I tried not to panic and told my midwife at our appointment 2 days later. Again, she checked the heartbeat that was good and strong.

However, at 17+3 I passed lots of large clots and had quite heavy bleeding but still not pain. The hospital checked me out at 17+4 and everything looked fine. Good heartbeat, we even saw him drinking on the scan. Come 6pm, I had another gush of blood and started suffering from period type pains in my lower back every 5minutes or so. This was joined by pain down the front/outer sides of my thighs. Turns out these were contractions but felt nothing across my abdomen. I put up with this for 3hours, by which time I'd gone into shock & my body was shaking uncontrollably. We went to hospital where I was given pain relief that didn't touch the sides. I delivered my baby around midnight & was told he didn't have a heartbeat.

I just can't get these words out of my head. That & being asked do we want a funeral/burial or cremation. I took the rest of the week off work & then went on our planned tour of California. However, I've now come back to reality feeling at a complete loss. I have just much grief that is just bubbling under the surface that won't come out. I have the odd cry but feel so down like my life has no purpose. I'd planned a lifestyle change once the baby had come etc but now these plans have gone to pot. I wish the world would stop! DH doesn't seem to understand how I feel, he thinks there is no point in getting upset over things you can't change. People keep telling me they've had miscarriages & know how I feel but this is different to my other 3. I actually had to deliver him & request him to be cremated!! I'm switching between feeling upset, down & angry (not jealous as I wouldn't wish this on anyone), whilst feeling lost/nothing about which direction I need to go in personally/work wise.

All miscarriages are awful to experience, I'm just to tired of having to pick myself up & put a smile on my face. It's only been 4 weeks but I just want to shut myself away & not socialise with a fake smile on my face :(

[gaggiagirl]

You poor thing. How horrible for you. You must be traumatized. Would it help to keep taking here? Were listening.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Oh gosh. Your poor thing.

[SandyBeachGirl]

If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.
I'm hoping my grief will come once we get the results back from the post mortem & blood results. At least then it'll help my decision as to whether we start TTC again, but then I have the issue of OHSS again, whether we consider adoption or just accept that it'll be just the two of us.
Wish I could stop forward thinking so much.

[callamia]

I'm so sorry, this is a horrible and unfair thing to have happened. You don't have to pretend anything - losing a baby in this way is traumatic, and other people would do well to remember this.

Please put yourself first. Be angry, sad and solitary if you want. Talk to a bereavement specialist, or someone from the Miscarriage Association. You're not alone, of course you know that, but you need the right kind of support and understanding. Lots of love to you.

[SandyBeachGirl]

Thank you gaggiagirl, honeysuckle jasmine & callamia :)

[applecore0317]

So sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine the pain you are feeling

[scarednoob]

Oh god you poor thing, I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through, but having lost my mum very unexpectedly, I do know a bit about grief, and I would just say all you can do is be kind to yourself. You're going to be all over the place from numb to devastated to angry to numb to disbelieving - all you can do is go with it.

So so sorry.

[TheXxed]

Sandy I am so sorry for you loss.

What has happened to you is unfair and cruel, I am not sure what the next step should be for you. I just wanted to say be kind to yourself and I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

[BrennieGirl]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I had two missed miscarriags at 19 and 17 weeks. I laboured and delivered both babies.

It's such a shock. You were expecting life but you end up with death. My DH was similar to yours. He couldn't understand why I was still crying 6 weeks later. Men just deal differently with things.

Let yourself greive. You lost a tiny life but you still had a baby. Don't bottle it up or feel awkward talking about it around other people. I had a lot of people tell me their similar stories. You will be surprised at how common late miscarriages are.

Hopefully when you get the postmortem results you will have some peace in your mind. The waiting feels like you are in limbo.

I know it's no consolation to you now but at some time in the future everything will feel easier again. It took me a long time to recover emotionally, but I'm there now.

I don't know what else to say but ask me anything. It helps to know that there are people out there who have been through it and understand how you are feeling.

[Notamumyet81]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Not only have you had to go through the pain of loosing another pregnancy, but also the trauma of delivering the baby so it's understandable this feels different from your other miscarriages. And four weeks is not long at all - honestly, I think it's totally understandable that you wouldn't want to have to socialise and act like everything is fine.

I think perhaps you need to take some time to just be kind to yourself and grieve, once the numbness lifts. There will be time to think of your next move further down the line. You said this baby was going to be the start of a lifestyle change - can you think of a way to bring about that change now anyway? Especially if you were hoping to change from a stressful lifestyle, it would probably do you good whatever path you end up taking.

I really wish you all the best in your recovery.

[DulcetMoans]

Oh sandy, this is so horrible for you and I am sorry you have had to go through it. I hope writing it out here helped you a little bit.

I don't really have any words of wisdom but you do need to do what is right for you at this stage. If you want to hide from the world for a bit then do. It's a lot to go through and then have to continue with life like it is the same. Hopefully you have an understanding employer? If so you could ask for some time or maybe be there under a phased return so you work less hours while you can concentrate on yourself.

I am sure your DH is feeling awful too but his way to deal with it is unfortunately to try and brush it aside. Have you talked about it together?

[SandyBeachGirl]

Thank you everyone for your comments
Your words are very kind. I think writing down my thoughts/feelings have helped a little :)

[tattyteddy]

Really sorry to hear about your loss OP. I think you need to let yourself feel what ever emotion you feel. When I had. Mmc, a few years ago I really found the miscarriage page on mumsnet really supportive and where I was able to open up about how I felt before I felt ready to talk to anyone in rl. Xx

[contractor6]

Am early mc was tough enough, to lose at 17 weeks, cant imagine what going through. And not something that is easy to get over. My thoughts are with you xxx

[Cheshirehello79]

I'm so sorry for your loss - stay strong xx

[NoMontagues]

I'm so sorry OP

As pps mentioned, when your DH says:

there is no point in getting upset over things you can't change - he obviously means well but he's not right in this case. It's so important that you give yourself time to grieve for your baby and allow yourself to go through all these emotions.

[User24689]

I am so very sorry for your loss [thanks I agree that you need to allow yourself to grieve, what a devastating thing to happen. I think the way you are feeling is completely natural and justified. Take care of yourself OP x

[User24689]

should have been

[SylvaniansAtEase]

I am so so sorry for all that you have been through and for this awful loss

I don't have experience of this, but I would say that you just take one day at a time and PUT YOURSELF FIRST. How you happen to feel that day - you work around that. Don't try and force yourself into a schedule. Be very kind to yourself and say to your DH - be kind to me too. I'm going to have to deal with this in my own way, the best thing you can do for me is to support me in that.

I can't say what your next move should be, again I think just give yourself more time - you are in shock right now. There is no need to decide anything at all right now. But perhaps if you are beginning to think about adoption as an option, you might head over to the adoption board on here? I am sure you would get excellent and considerate advice from the many wise and experienced adopters on there, whatever course you now decide on.

Again I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy x

[sherbertlemon17]

I don't really know what to say but wanted to send you a huge hug! Take care of yourself

[AndDeepBreath]

I am so sorry for your loss

My friend at work went through a similar experience. She said it took her six months+ to come to terms with it all ... I don't think you ever "forget". Please don't rush yourself, don't blame yourself, and don't feel bad for feeling bad.

In terms of your husband, everyone grieves differently and at different rates ... Is it at all possible he's trying to cheer you up and be extra strong for you? After my first loss at 2 months, it took six weeks for me to properly get through to my husband how sad I was over it and how much it still filled my thoughts. He wasn't thoughtless as such up to then but I don't think he understood exactly how much it was hurting and how much I needed to talk about it...

Again, I'm so sorry for you both.

[Frillsandspills]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through and words don't seem to be enough.

i don't mean to second what others have said, but giving yourself time to grieve is important. Acknowledging all your feelings and even sharing how you feel with close friends or family you may find comforting.
As long as you know you're not alone, there are so many people on mumsnet to offer support and share their experiences. Grief can hit you at any time. I hope you have all the support you need to get through it. From what I've read you seem strong and I wish you all the luck with the future.

[Grizzer]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I delivered my little girl at 18 weeks two years ago & I still cry for her. We named her but my DH thinks it's strange when I refer to her by name. We have hand & foot prints which I'd like to put up but again dh thinks it's odd. They haven't felt the movement so don't bond like we do - it isn't real for most men until there's a baby to hold.
Did the hospital offer you counselling? I only went once & just cried for an hour but actually, it really helped me. I think it's important you talk to someone. The awful thing for you is the shock. I knew dd wouldn't survive from week 12. You were repeatedly told everything was fine so it's so much harder to accept. Please take up any offers of talking to someone - it's the only thing that helps.

[Trooperslane]

So sorry op.

Been through similar at 14 weeks after a very surprising natural pregnancy.

Had dd after 2 miscarriages and 4 rounds of IVF. Were ttc for 8 years.

No advice just a hand hold and a hug and to say life is very, very fucking cruel sometimes.

Xxxx

[Crusoe]

I am so dreadfully sorry, you must be heartbroken inside. Grief is a strange thing and takes time.
I had a very early miscarriage after IVF and went on to successfully adopt. Happy to talk to you about adoption if you want if and when the time is right.
Take care of yourself, life has been so cruel to you.
Hugs