My so very strong wife has a blighted ovum

[Mrmommarriedanmd]

I'm not sure guys are welcome here, but I found few resources out there for us, so please forgive my trespass.

My wife is an amazingly talented and compassionate physician, and we just found out that she is not pregnant, but carrying a blighted ovum.

Kind of a surreal experience as the nurse who did the 12 week ultrasound was her friend and we went from this happy moment where everyone was joking around, to awkward measurements and a search for a non-partial doctor to break the news.

However, my wife saw the ultrasound screen the whole time and knew exactly what was up, and so when the doctor came in (another family friend), it was all but certain in my wife's mind what had happened.

The OB remarked at how well my wife was taking it, the we parted ways and I walked my wife down to get bloodwork drawn before she had to return to work, and I had to take our child home as the hospital is a stressful place, even when your mommy works there.

On the surface everything is ok, it just happened and we'll carry on. A slight hiccup as the cramping will certainly keep her off her feet for a day, which isn't possiable given her caseload, and the six month wait time before trying again gives us a narrow window to get pregnant before her next assignment.

1. How can I be there? What can I do for such a strong woman?
   
   
2. We are going on Holiday/vacation tomorrow, a driving holiday so we will be in the car for two six hour stretches with not much between origin and destination, so is there anything I should pack just in case?
   
   We should have access to another hospital in the system my wife works in at our destination, so no worries there.
   
   Thanks and pardon both my intrusion and my ignorance, I'm just trying to be something solid for my wife.
   
   Thank you.

[Hestheone]

I'm sorry I have no advice as I've never been in this situation,but I'd say you are 90% of the way there already being the loving supportive husband you are, for you both

[PotteringAlong]

I wouldn't want to be on a 6 hour drive if I was miscarrying. I'd ask her if she still wants to go away

[bakingtins]

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I think you are massively underestimating how physically distressing a MC a can be. There may be no foetus to pass but the sac has often continued to grow and the womb lining to develop. In my experience 'the cramping might keep her off her feet for a day' is the sort of thing doctors who have not experienced MC themselves say, and being on a 6 hour car journey whilst it happened would be absolute hell. She will need heavy duty night time pads, a hot water bottle, painkillers (ibuprofen and paracetamol) her own bed and bathroom, and someone to take care of your child and be on hand to help if necessary. Everyone's experience is different, I've had 4 natural MC at 8-9 weeks, one of them landed me in hospital, every one has involved a couple of hours of extremely heavy bleeding and cramps comparable to early labour. There is a thread called 'tips for coping' which details a range of experiences but I doubt you will get any replies saying - go, drive in a car hours from anywhere....
Longer term, just be there to talk if she wants to, be honest about your own feelings of loss if they surface, appreciate that the due date and anniversary might make grief resurface for her.
There is no reason to wait any longer than one period to try again if you feel emotionally ready unless there was any question of a molar pregnancy. If the OB is suggesting 6 months ask them for evidence to support this view.

for you both.

[bakingtins]

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk lots of v useful info.

[bakingtins]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1344311-Tips-for-coping-with-the-practicalities-of-miscarriage

[thornrose]

I had this happen to me several years ago. I think my main problem was I felt a fraud (for want of a better word!) and in some way had no right to mourn for a baby that never was. It didn't feel like a real miscarriage if that makes sense.

People tried to make me feel better by using words to that effect and it really upset me. I was pregnant, we had planned for a baby and there wasn't one.

I would really worry about the long car journey, I just feel that will be too much.

I found The miscarriage Association very helpful.

How do you feel? You have every right to need someone to support you too.

[RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc]

My only tip really, apart from directing you to the tips for coping thread, is that even incredibly strong women sometimes need to feel safe enough to fall apart. Sometimes being so strong makes it harder to allow yourself that because you go all practical and try to deny the emotion but up until the scan it was a baby for her and losing that or the belief of that is going to be tough. You are doing a good thing trying to find ways to support her, just make sure she knows you are there and don't forget this is a loss for you too so look after your own emotional needs as well.

Fwiw we have several male posters here who are very welcome

[MrsHathaway]

I had a BO. I was on the sofa changing a saturated pad every hour for a couple of days, and was still bleeding a couple of weeks later. Such a big journey would have been crippling. It's a good thing that she has some time off booked but I think you should stay at home together.

I'm sorry for your loss.

On the other hand, we weren't advised to wait six months, just until after my next period (for dating reasons). We conceived immediately as there appears to be a fertility boost after any kind of mc, and he is just about to start school at the end of the summer.

Good luck.

[Mrmommarriedanmd]

I should clarify that the drive is in between two major cities, there's just not a whole lot in between (plenty of smaller towns), and she's pushing for the trip (partly because she's had only 5 days off in the past year and needs a break before starting another hectic year, and partly as she's not yet on meds and we have no idea if her body is going to reject this BO).

It's no so much that she thinks she'll only be out a day, it's that she cannot take time off once her body does take action or intervention is required. She's had another MC before she had our child, so she's experienced in the cramping, but Medicine is brutal for Doctors and the patients don't stop coming just because a MD is going through their own episodes.

I'll pick up some heavy nighttime pads, and pack some baggy clothes and Motrin in my suitcase for her and some chemical warmers to heat a heating pad(we do have a giant car, about as comfortable as they come, and can afford to make quick changes in our plans as necessary). In case you haven't noticed a theme, my role in the family dynamic is to make things happen, and plan for the possiable.

Thank you all for your help. Off to the store to get those pads.

[PotteringAlong]

The patients don't stop coming but nor is she the only dr in the world. I wouldn't be going on the trip. It might be fine, it might be hell on earth.