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3rd mmc imminent and I'm pissed off

(13 Posts)
BitOfAFixerUpper Wed 17-Jun-15 13:14:46

Last year I had two mmcs, discovered at 14 then 12 weeks. The second one, I had had a private scan dating me at 8+5 but at the 12 week scan they estimated the mc happened at 8-9 weeks. Both surgically managed.

My DD who is now 4 was conceived the first month of trying and I carried her without problems. The first mmc I conceived easily but the next pregnancy took 8 months.

I am now pg again, and it took 10 months this time. I am 7-8 weeks, but I had some early bleeding (only lasting a few hours) and have been backwards and forwards to the early pg unit- blood tests, scans as yet inconclusive, and although there has been growth it's really pushing the dates.

I have another scan tomorrow which should be conclusive and I'm expecting to be told I have mc or will shortly do so. sad

I'm sad but I'm more pissed off. I really want another baby and a sibling for my DD and it's been 18 months of frustration and disappointment. I feel like my life is on hold, I'm trying not to let everything revolve around it but it's always in the background. I feel the (largely self inflicted) pressure to get back to work as DD starts school but how can I throw myself into retraining or onto the career ladder in the pg/not pg cycle? I don't have the head space and the practicalities are tough. Time marches on and I feel like all these months have been largely wasted. The plan was to take some years out as a sahm then concentrate on getting into meaningful work, but the years out are increasing. I'm human and pissed off my plans have ruined, as well as being really sad about the what ifs.

Sorry, a bit of a self indulgent rant I know. I am all on my lonesome today with no one available irl to chat to. Any one else feel the frustration as keenly as sadness? x x

BitOfAFixerUpper Wed 17-Jun-15 13:16:46

I also meant to say, I feel guilty moaning about this, I know so many people have ot so much worse, including a close friend of mine. Add guilt to the list!

YouMeddlingKids Wed 17-Jun-15 14:06:51

So sorry you're going through this... with my 4th MC I was absolutely furious - I'd done everything the drs recommended and had got further into the pregnancy but still ultimately pointless. In a way I felt better to feel angry than sad though.
I know what you mean about career, etc - I went back to work after DS (5) but have stayed in a very low level career limiting job ever since, as the plan was to have a gap of 3 years, have the second one, and then refocus on work after. it adds to the pain as every MC puts back my career as well as my family.
Sorry, nothing helpful to say other than you're not alone, and good luck for tomorrow x
Oh, and something helpful I read on here, I can't remember the author - "Yours is the harder path, I see; on the other hand mine is happening to me"... ultimately other people's pain doesn't make yours feel any less bad or mean its any less important! Imagine if only the single most unfortunate person in the world was allowed to feel down about their circumstances!

BitOfAFixerUpper Wed 17-Jun-15 14:17:28

Thank you so much, that quote really nails it.

I'm sorry you are going through similar. It's comforting to know someone else gets it but I wish you aren't in that position iyswim.

Fury is easier than sadness, I can't agree more with that. I didn't even cry for the last mc, I just felt crushed. (Ok, that's not quite true, I cried while talking nonsense upon waking up after the GA but that doesn't countwink)

flowers

bakingtins Wed 17-Jun-15 17:05:34

fixer I am so sorry. I've had 4 MC and recurrent MC invades your whole life, you start to see everything in terms of whether you'll be TTC/pregnant/miscarrying. The only thing that got me through is the recurrent miscarriage threads on here, it is so helpful to have understanding from other women going through similar. If the scan confirms your fears there is a small silver lining in that you'll qualify for testing, and I would urge you to include genetic testing on 'products' (sorry - I know that is an awful thing to suggest when you haven't even had it confirmed, but it really is the most useful thing to get to the bottom of why it is happening, and if you don't have it they will forever fob you off by assuming all losses are chromosomal)

I had a similar pattern of losses, faltering growth followed by losses at 9-10 weeks, and in my case it was due to high NK cells. I had a successful pregnancy once I was treated with steroids, progesterone and heparin.

Come join the RMC crew for some moral support - they've just started a new thread.

BitOfAFixerUpper Wed 17-Jun-15 19:31:49

Thanks Bakingtins, and sorry you've been through this too. I will definitely push for whatever testing I can get. What does high NK cells mean?

I'll see if I can be brave enough to join the thread smile

Feeling a bit better now, my mum popped in for a cuppa unexpectedly this afternoon and she must've sensed the company was just what I needed. Dh is home now and being an angel as always and it reinforves how lucky I really am. I'm bracing myself for tomorrow. Thanks for letting me let it out on this thread. Xxx

bakingtins Wed 17-Jun-15 21:14:28

Natural Killer cells - they are a type of white blood cell, high levels in the uterus can be a sign of abnormal inflammatory response in the uterus that prevents effective implantation and development of the placenta (or, if you like your explanation a bit more Daily Mail - killer cells attack foetus)
It's not part of the standard testing for recurrent miscarriage - I had normal NHS tests, which happens to about 50% of women tested, but also had normal chromosomes on my 4th loss, so I went to the Implantation Clinic in Coventry which is researching recurrent loss and IVF failures. There are a lot of women on the recurrent miscarriage threads who have had success on their protocols though most do not have high Nk cells. They are using progesterone from cycle day 21 to improve lining receptivity/selectivity and heparin to protect developing placental cells, plus steroids if you have the high NK levels. To have the testing you have to be at least 2 cycles post miscarriage so it is something you can think about for a while. I highly recommend a break from TTC to get the testing completed. You can pursue NHS standard testing and other approaches in parallel, and a few months to recover, regroup and get a firm plan in place is good for your mental health as well as physically.
Lots of Coventry Pom-pom-wavers on the RMC threads - difficult to get us to shut up about it!

Purpleprickles Wed 17-Jun-15 23:34:58

Bitof my story is different to yours but I feel the anger and frustration more acutely than the sadness at the moment so I understand those feelings.

We had been ttc a second dc for over 4 years and for unexplained reasons it didn't happen. I went through sadness, jealousy, anger for a good few years when I was infertile. Then I finally got to a point where I accepted we were ok and lucky to have ds. Then in April I found out I was preg, total shock and surprise lots of fretting about it as we were older now and then happiness and excitement. Went for a dating scan and I'd had a mmc. I feel furious that I had dealt with secondary infertility, come out the other side, then had the carrot of a bfp dangled in front of me to have it taken away. What is the point? So yes furious and angry is where I am too.

BitOfAFixerUpper Thu 18-Jun-15 07:46:39

Thanks Baking that's interesting information and sound advice. (I'm never satisfied with DM explanations, give me the science and the details!). I'll see what happens over the next few days, and will come to the thread.

Purple, that sounds so hard, life is so bloody cruel sometimes flowers

I feel ok this morning. Concentrating on getting DD to nursery at the moment (it's an extra day for her and while she's happy to go she's constantly questioning me and being sloow!). One foot in front of the other as they say smile

BitOfAFixerUpper Thu 18-Jun-15 14:28:57

So, I've had my scan and it's STILL not conclusive. There has been growth but 2 sonographers couldn't be sure they were seeing the fetal pole because it's so small still. I need another scan in a week.

I do have a longer and slightly irregular cycle, 30-35 days, but even so this pushes it well into the far stretches of possibility. But i have to wait for conformation. It's sooo frustrating!

To add complication, I'm supposed to be travelling across the country for my sister's wedding 2 weeks Saturday and staying away for the week. Mil is coming to stay next Thursday for the weekend. Neither of them know and I wanted to keep it that way. This is such bad timing and is going to cause so much extra stress!

Another week. Aaarrrrrgghhh!

xx

stoatystoat Thu 18-Jun-15 20:25:41

Sorry to hear you are in limbo. It is hell. Thinking of you.

SashaKerr Mon 22-Jun-15 17:34:13

Hi there just to say I've had 3 miscarriages following a successful pregnancy with my son who is 2. You could have written my story - life in limbo, can't move on, etc.

Went for private testing and have found hormonal imbalance and high nk cells. Next time I get pregnant I will be (heavily) medicated. In my situation the NHS has been really crap. I would recommend Coventry or the lister to get your nk cells tested.

That is of course if it's another MC which sounds in your case like it might not be so hang in there! If it is, come over to the RMC thread and we can explain more x

BitOfAFixerUpper Thu 25-Jun-15 20:39:07

So, there has been no growth and signs of the sac beginning to 'break down', so another mmc.

I'm booked in for an erpc tomorrow. They'll test 'products', but for what I'm not sure I'll ask tomorrow. I'm grateful they could do it so quickly, I've started to bleed a bit on and off and feel like a mc ticking time bomb!

I'll shift over to the big thread (gulp) once tomorrow is over with, thanks all.

Do you mean Lister Stevenage Sasha? If so, it's one of two of my local hospitals smile (I chose to go to the other, slightly closer one).

My DH is an actual angel I reckon, DD is a joy and the moment and my mum's on hand to help however she can... So I'm ok, even all this reeally sucks. sadsmile

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