one week on..

[strawberrycrumble]

Well, its a week today since I miscarried, 11 weeks pregnant, started bleeding, had scan to find empty sac.
This has been such an up and down week, have moments where I still think Im pregnant but then reality strikes and it hits me all over again. Just done a pg test to see where hormones are upto and it came up straightaway with a really strong line, just so cruel.
I have another week off work to try and get myself straight a bit then its back to work and time to attempt to move on.
No real reason for this post I don't suppose, was just sat looking at my 5yr old and feeling gutted that she wont be getting her much wanted brother or sister at Christmas, thankfully my DD knew nothing of my pregnancy but I had so many plans and hopes in my mind for our new arrival and reality is hitting that it isn't going to happen now.

[stoatystoat]

I'm so sorry. I am 16 weeks on. I wish I had some nuggets of wisdom for you, but I feel your pain. I have no DC and was looking forward to my first Christmas as a mum and that kind of thing. I have been very up and down since mine, I hope it's not that way for you as it catches me really off guard when I have a bad day.

Anyway, just wanted you to know I hear ya, it's hard when it looks like it's okay for everyone else while you're going through the mire.

Might you bother with counselling?

[strawberrycrumble]

Hi Stoatystoat im so sorry, you have experienced this too. It really is a tough time, I struggled a lot at first as I felt a bit fraudulent 'grieving' for a baby that had never even been there in the first place as my sac was completely empty. But for those 7 weeks that I knew I was pregnant, I loved that baby, spoke to it, patted my tummy etc so was completely shocked to find nothing was there after having horrendous sickness amongst other symptoms.
I hadn't really considered counselling, if im being honest, I wouldn't know where to start with what to deal with first as I lost my Dad suddenly at Christmas so still very much reeling from that so when I find myself upset about the loss of my pregnancy, it then turns into feeling upset that my dad isn't here either if that makes any sense so half the time im crying but not 100% sure for which reason.
I just want to feel 'normal' again but I know that will only come with time.
Hope your doing as well as you possibly can do, it certainly is a rocky road

[stoatystoat]

Sounds similar to mine then - my sac was also empty but like you I loved that baby and it was a part of me. I found the passage from The Velveteen Rabbit really helpful in coming to terms with those fraudulent feelings, 'once you are real, you can't become unreal again, it lasts for always'. That is my baby. If people don't understand then fuck them. People who understand MC get it, anyone else can bollocks if they don't. I have been robbed of something and am entitled to grieve for that, as are you if tests what you feel.

I'm sorry about the loss of your Dad, it being so sudden and then going through the MC, that is very hard to bear. One or the other would be awful, but both at the same time....jeez. I'm sure they are all connected too, feelings of grief, loss, mortality. I expect this must make you miss him lots. I wouldn't worry about identifying the feelings in terms of their cause, just allow yourself to feel them. I am having counselling and although it's about the miscarriage, whole loads of my baggage come up. My counsellor understands the relationship between the things I tell her. In mine and DHs head, our baby is with DHs wonderful grandparents. It helps me to think that somewhere he or she is being looked after.

I'll try and check in here but if you need to chat, do drop me a PM. It's hard enough without feeling isolated. Take care