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Pregnant colleague

(6 Posts)
TomCat81 Fri 12-Jun-15 18:29:51

To give a bit of background, I'm nearly 34, ttc #1 and have had 2 mcs this year. The first in January was a mmc discovered at 12 week scan, conceived again after one cycle but lost it at 6-7 weeks in April. I should be ovulating next week so we're pretty focused on that at the moment but to be honest, despite just getting back from a holiday in Italy (where I indulged in all the wine, cheese and cured meats I could lay my hands on), I'm still feeling pretty crap.
I admit that I'm suspicious of everyone - I am constantly on the lookout for emerging bumps and any sign of pregnancy. Anyway, today I've become convinced that my colleague is pregnant. I thought it initially a couple of weeks ago before I went on holiday, nothing more than because she'd had a few 'appointments'. Then today I've noticed she's behaving exactly as I was in December - eating constantly, nothing but fruit and crackers the two things I was obsessed with), yawning over and over and looking a bit pastier and spottier than normal, and this is what confirmed it for me - she's wearing one of those anti-sickness wristbands. Until that point I'd tried to convince myself my mind was working overtime and seeing things, but now I think I have to accept that she is pregnant and find a way to deal with it.
She sits on my 'pod' - diagonally opposite me so I can see her every move. This afternoon I got nothing done because once the idea had taken hold, I couldn't think of anything else. She'll probably be ready to announce in a few weeks and I don't know how I'm going to react. And then I'll have to see her every day while she grows bigger and I will probably lose another. She doesn't know about my mcs. I also hate the fact that I just assume that everyone elses's pregnancies will work out, because that's all I ever see.
I partly started this thread because I need to vent before dh gets home from work and I cry all over him, but also wondered if anyone else has been through this and how they coped. Can anyone offer any advice / reassurance? I feel like I'm going mad!

Brummiegirl15 Fri 12-Jun-15 18:44:02

Hi. This is exactly what I went through. I've had 3 losses in a row with the last one back in January.

I knew colleague was pregnant when I was still pregnant so when I lost, the first thing I thought was how am I going to face her every day when I'm grieving for 3 lost babies. Like you, she sat opposite me on the same pod.

I won't lie, it was really really hard. I felt bitter and resentful - but she was incredibly sensitive and actively avoided talking about being pregnant. I felt for her as I felt she couldn't openly enjoy her pregnancy. My colleagues I actually found harder as they talked about her being pregnant.

All I did was take each day at a time and gave myself time - if I was getting upset (and I did) then I walked to loo, went outside, anything to get outside.

I'm actually pregnant now for the 4th time and terrified of losing it again. But I still struggle with pregnant women. I actively avoid them and still struggle to look at bumps.

After a while though I got used to colleague being pregnant and whilst I had moments where I struggled, I tried to detach her from her pregnancy.

I also had counselling and I know it was made easier by the sensitivity of my colleague. Plus she took a real interest in me and what was happening to me. She acknowledged my grief and allowed me to talk.

Have you thought about joining us on the recurrent miscarriage thread? We are a great bunch and very supportive. We are on thread 25 of trying again

I'm so sorry you are going through this

TomCat81 Fri 12-Jun-15 20:00:23

Hi Brummie - thanks for sharing your experience. It does sound very similar. I've actually been lurking on the recurrent miscarriage thread for ages but wondering if I should join when I've only had 2 so far and you've all been through so much. You do seem like a very supportive group though and I could do with somewhere to vent. I'm sorry for your losses. I've been following it in the last few days actually so congratulations on your pregnancy - it must be so hard to stay sane at this stage but I hope it continues to go well for you.

Like you, I know my colleague would be sensitive about it, and she may have an inkling anyway due to my sick leave when I had the mcs. But I'd hate for her to feel like she couldn't celebrate it and talk about it because of me, so I don't think I'd want to tell her. I've already found myself going off to the loo this afternoon when things got too much. How many times a day can I escape to the loo though?! I know I'm going to have to survive it somehow and I will, but I'd like to keep my dignity in the meantime if possible!

Cheesypop Fri 12-Jun-15 20:15:52

I've never had a mc but have spent nearly 4 years ttc and finally had ivf in Feb which was cancelled and then frozen embryo transfer in May. So I've had a different experience but have felt the way you do for a long long time and it is hard as hell. I've dealt with numerous colleague pregnancies, including one who has had two children in the time I've been TTC. Hardest of all though had been my little sister unexpectedly getting pregnant and having her baby. Although I adore her and the baby now, I spent many many nights in tears wondering why things were so unfair blush

There are a few mantras that have helped me.

1) their baby is not your baby. Your baby is your baby, and he or she will come to you when the time is right and will be yours, by whatever means (treatment, surrogacy, adoption)

2) their life does not affect yours. There are not a finite number of pregnancies to be given out and they've not taken your share! It is what it is.

3) everybody has their cross to bear. From the outside we are a happy young couple, travelling the world, building our careers. On the inside we carry this great weight. So you don't know what's going on in anyone's life

4) ttc has at times made me an angry and sad person but it has made me a softer, kinder, more accepting and far more mature person too. I've learned lessons about myself and others and I'm sure you will have too.

Fingers crossed for you flowers

Brummiegirl15 Fri 12-Jun-15 20:19:07

Please come and join us. We've not all had 3+, some of had 5 or 6, some 3 or 2. But we are all going on that journey.

We don't discriminate, a losses are losses! But we are a really chatty bunch so whenever you feel down there is always someone to chat to. We can chat to you about different options. Nothing is TMI on that thread grin

Thank you for the kind wishes and take heart that I'm pregnant for the 4th time (after going to the Coventry implantation clinic) so it does happen.

Please come and join us

TomCat81 Fri 12-Jun-15 21:14:38

Thanks Cheesypop - you speak a lot of sense. I've had moments of logic and I'm always telling myself you don't know what anyone else's story is etc. Sometimes it's easier to think that way than others though. I hope the journey will do for me what it has for you, because most of the time I feel bitter and jealous and I don't like myself very much. I'm lucky in a lot of ways, and we've only been ttc since October - so I am at least grateful that we know we're able to conceive. It sounds like you've been through some tough times and hope you get your happy ending.
I feel better knowing it's the weekend now, but every time I think about seeing her next week I feel sick again.
Brummie - I'll join you on the other thread, maybe tomorrow. Thank you smile

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