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How to tell my friend?

(29 Posts)
ShebaShimmyShake Sat 06-Jun-15 19:35:00

Hi all. I'm lucky enough to be 12 weeks pregnant and ready to start announcing the news. But a very close friend of mine, I am sorry to say, has had four miscarriages - two nearly killed her and she is facing the possibility of a hysterectomy. Obviously I need to tell her but how can I do it as sensitively as possible? I thought I might text her while she is at home (we work together), so she doesn't feel she has to act all happy for me and can react with her husband however she wants, and say something like, "Hi darling, it's me, I have some news. I'm so sorry for the terrible timing, but I am 12 weeks pregnant. Now you know, we don't need to discuss it further. As ever, I'm always here when you need me. xxx"

I think if I were in her situation, that's probably how I'd prefer it to be done. Although I have never miscarried, I had a little difficulty conceiving and this was how I preferred to be told when someone was expecting.

What do you think?

MerdeAlor Sun 07-Jun-15 08:55:29

Very thoughtful of you and I agree a text or email would be best. Then she digest it in her own time.
I'd take out the sentance saying 'Now you know, we don't need to discuss it further'. That limits discusiion and she might want to talk to you about it.

Brightonmumtoatoddler Sun 07-Jun-15 10:06:38

Write her a letter. Texting can be so cold and clinical for delicate situations. A letter would be nicer I think.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Sun 07-Jun-15 10:08:20

I would text. A letter these days is a bit 'big drama'. I agree give her time to react privately.

AppleSnapple Sun 07-Jun-15 10:11:25

I think that's a kind and considerate text and you are a lovely friend. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

MerdeAlor Sun 07-Jun-15 10:54:15

I've had 5mc and had to deal with endless friends announcing pregnancies, some whilst I was losing mine. A letter would have been awful to recieve somehow. Just my opinion tho.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 07-Jun-15 10:57:38

Thanks for your thoughts all. My feeling is a letter may be a little too 'dramatic', especially as we see each other at work every day...I will take the advice. Thank you.

raindrops99 Sun 07-Jun-15 11:10:57

A text can sometimes be so blunt - and the feelings behind it can be misinterpreted

Could you phone her maybe - and let her know you find it difficult telling her given all that she's been through

I've had two late miscarriages - and I'm not facing what your friend is going through - but I think if a text in this circumstances could be a bit isolating - as I personally would feel you didn't want to have a chat with me about it

It will be difficult not matter what way you do it

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Sun 07-Jun-15 14:14:06

I have not been in the situation myself, but I looked into it on here in the past. A lot of people in the friend's situation have said that putting them on the spot with a phone call was very, very painful because they had to 'hold it together' for the length of the call. I think that's why the OP is thinking of a text. I appreciate you'd want different and it's so hard to tell isn't it. Sorry for your losses.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 07-Jun-15 14:18:55

I agree that a text is actually a good warning and saves your friend having to put on any kind of "face" when she finds out. I agree that a letter is too dramatic and making too much of it.

I actually think your text is a little OTT though - maybe just shorter and more of a "heads-up" style, something like "Hello lovely, just wanted to let you know that I'm 12w gone, just had the scan. Only call me if you feel like it"

I'd actually avoid the word "pregnant", which might seem terribly precious of me, but having had 3 MCs myself, it's the word itself that has the power, iyswim. Euphemisms are less "in your face", somehow.

mrsfazruns Sun 07-Jun-15 17:14:54

I had a mc in December and my friend was the same gestayion as me (we found out within days of each other) .... She co to her to text me and be totally lovely but made me DREAD seeing her in the flesh .... I put it off for weeks!!! If I was you I'd do coffee together and tell her but say you understand if she doesn't want to chat about it but at least you know there will no awkwardness on the next face to face

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 07-Jun-15 17:19:52

Thank you all, and ThumbWitchesAbroad, that's not precious at all...certain words can be very triggering. There are some words I don't like hearing even now years after the event. I hadn't thought of that so I will avoid that word however I tell her.

KittyandTeal Sun 07-Jun-15 17:23:59

As someone who has lost a baby (at 22 weeks in pretty nasty circumstances) and then had to have that conversation as some took me aside to 'break her news' then told me she'd left it so late as she was 'dreading telling me' I'd say email or text when she's at how is definitely the kindest way.

I had to have the 'I'm so happy for you' conversation while battling tears for a good 15mins. It was awful and while I appreciate she thought she was doing the best thing there is a horrid part of me that holds it against her.

Your friend will find it hard but at least if she hears the news at home she doesn't have to pretend and can rage and process before congratulating you (which I'm sure she will want to do)

It's such a tough situation. Try not to be offended if she pulls away from you though.

I have to work with 2 pregnant women atm and seeing them twice a week almost breaks me. I do all I can to avoid them now, not because I dislike them but because they are joy filled and happy while I am constantly reminded of what I have lost.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 07-Jun-15 17:27:32

So sorry to hear your sad situation, Kitty, that must be really hard for you to deal with.

Anathema (great name, btw) - glad to be able to help. Hope that your friend doesn't take it too hard. thanks (And congratulations to you)

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 07-Jun-15 17:28:13

Bugger, wrong OP! Sorry Sheba - I meant you!

KittyandTeal Sun 07-Jun-15 17:32:45

Thanks thumb

You sound like a lovely friend Sheba.

I think for me it was feeling a bit like the dark cloud of doom ruining everyone's joy around the pregnancy. That and having to be treated like glass (which I do need but equally hate feeling that way!)

It sounds like you are really empathetic though so I won't give you advice like 'don't ask her pregnancy advice' like my colleague spent all lunchtime doing on fri!

awombwithaview Sun 07-Jun-15 17:34:06

You've got it spot on - giving her time to digest it in private. I would in her position hate a phone call or face to face as it forces you to react, whereas a text gives her a chance to digest, cry, rant and come to terms with it privately. I've been here many times and I'm always fine in a day or two but I really need that private time to adjust. I always found it easier once the baby was born and the couple looked suitably exhausted grin as then everyone had stopped going on about it on social media / friendship groups. Dealing with a bump is so bloody hard when you can't conceive or carry to term.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 07-Jun-15 20:49:03

Thank you all. I certainly won't be offended if she needs time away from me for a bit. Kitty, I am so sorry for your terrible loss. I hope you can heal, find peace and go on to have a healthy child.

I'm sure your friend thought she was doing the right thing but the situation she put you in is exactly what I want my friend to be able to avoid. Not only did you have to do the happy act in the moment your heart was breaking, but when someone says something like 'I've been dreading telling you', it kind of makes you have to comfort her, when you're the one in pain and she's the one with the celebration.

Awombwithaview, you are right. There's something romanticised and harder to deal with about a bump than an actual child (especially a screaming one!).

And thank you Thumb, the name is from the song All That Jazz from Chicago, plus I am a belly dancer smile

KittyandTeal Sun 07-Jun-15 20:50:58

Thank you Sheba, you hit the nail on the head when you said I felt I had to comfort her.

MrsSpencerReid Sun 07-Jun-15 20:55:52

I agree a text when she is at home sounds like a good way to go. I found out my sister in law was due the same date as I would have been had I not mc by text, which was way better than any other way, except I was at work at the time hmm I went straight home as I was so upset, it really threw me. A few others announced their pregnancies via Facebook or other less personal methods and this def gave me the space to have a cry and put on a brave face when when I saw them. You sound like a good friend to have put this much though into it

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 08-Jun-15 01:40:21

Cool! i used to go to a belly dancing class, it was great fun smile

I agree with MrsSpencer - you really do sound like a truly caring friend. thanks

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 08-Jun-15 01:52:56

I've seen a few threads on this topic over the years and the shared wisdom always seems to be text or email, timed for when the receiving party is at home if possible.

OP you sound a lovely and sensitive friend and person. And I love the image I now have in my head of a pregnant belly dancer grin flowers

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 08-Jun-15 17:55:19

Thanks all, I will text her tonight a bit later when I know her husband will be home. She is a beautiful, caring, giving person and she deserves only the best.

Belly dancing is great fun and one of its origins was exercise to help women prepare for childbirth and recover's hoping!

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 08-Jun-15 21:48:48

Ok, I texted her and she rang me at once, delighted for me. She said she doesn't want me to act differently around her, feel bad or anything - that would make her feel worse. So I will just be sensitive and not overdo anything. A family member who couldn't have children is happy for me but said she may need some distance when I am showing obviously, and I said that was absolutely fine. Everyone who suffers this must deal with it in the way that's right for them and I'll respect it whatever it is.

Thank you all for your thoughts, and I hope those of you who have suffered miscarriages can heal and go on to have healthy children. xx

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 09-Jun-15 00:51:52

Oh I'm so glad that's turned out so well for you Sheba - you both sound lovely people and great friends. x

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