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invisibleloss Thu 14-May-15 18:22:50

Im in limbo at the moment some days I am ok it's always there of course but I can bear it others I just think why me? And so many miscarriages at my age that voice in my head can`t help say to me `there's something definitely very wrong!` Im 24.

My first miscarriage was an unexpected and most traumatising I was 19 had my dangerous first proper relationship. I was sloppy with contraception it just happened. That was July 2010. The next was March 2011. Eventually my relationship with my first ended. This was a good thing he didn't treat me the best, young and dumb I was. Next I was 20 I was at university and I had a great social circle and was at the centre of it.

In October 2011 it was twins I mc again. I had a blood transfusion and many tests were ran on me doctors and nurses were running round talking about me like I wasn't there. Unsuprisingly the relationship ended. I finished university by the skin of my teeth. Some nights crying myself to sleep, smoking and drinking till the memories slipped away vowing never to get pregnant ever again.

In 2013 I met my current partner who completely swept me off my feet I wanted to try again long story short I have had 2 mc since trying again. The last one being February 2015. At first I went back to work in a daze I think ,unable to see anyone personally though I felt disgusted with myself for allowing myself to get pregnant again. I hated my fiancé for allowing me to dream although I hadn't told him the history at this point. I hadn't really told anyone. 4 months down the line I have popped my head up to the surface of the water. Ill be truthful I can still run out the room and cry if I see a family on the tv but due to forums like this and letting the people around me know how all this invisible trauma makes me feel it does get easier. Do not let the mcs rule your life I felt worthless, shame, disgrace,inadequate, no purpose almost as if I needed to be promiscuous like that was my calling in life. Do not let the negatively of the loss consume you instead try to see what you can acheive now you are child free. This will help you to re focus .

However it will stay with me forever but I am living in hope of a miracle and am now seeking testing as I couldn't face it before I hope this post helps just one person who feels like me. You are not alone...

bakingtins Sat 16-May-15 19:03:56

Hi invisible I'm so sorry you've been through so much heartbreak. You'd be very welcome to join the recurrent miscarriage thread for some support. It's good that you are now getting some tests done, and I hope they bring you answers, but you need to be prepared for the fact that in about half of cases nothing is found on NHS tests. I had 4MC and was told there was no cause, it was through Mumsnet I found out about immune issues, went for testing, was diagnosed with high NK cells and had a successful pregnancy on treatment. There is an awful lot of combined wisdom on the RMC threads, wonderful compassionate support and a lot of random chatting. Please don't feel invisible, come make yourself known......

invisibleloss Sun 17-May-15 01:14:29

Thankyou I will go and look actually. I have seen so much its all very confusing but still allows me to hope. Thanks again

babyangelbean20315 Mon 18-May-15 07:41:26

Sorry for your losses I don't think I would be as strong as you

invisibleloss Mon 20-Jul-15 19:20:18

Thank you

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