Unplanned MMC/anembryonic pg ends in mc, feeling super confused and sad - need support :((2 Posts)
So, apologies in advance because this is going to be very long, and I'm sorry to post it here but at the moment I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this and I just need some support from people who have been there.
So basically I've had the crappest year ever, my Gran (who I was very close to) died in April and then in October my boyfriend's father passed away. This changed our entire life plan as we were going to live down in Devon this year so my partner could get to know his dad better whilst working with him (and hoping to earn a fabulous wage...) and so I could study in Exeter. We feel completely lost now as we have been working towards this goal for about three years.
On top of this, I suspected I was pregnant in early November, where I experienced serious sickness for about a month. However, as I had been extremely careful and have a condition which makes me unlikely to become pregnant anyway, I denied it. Due to a lot of stress over my partner's father passing and having to travel back-and-forth from Devon, I let it slide and waited to get a scan after Christmas. So, I supposed myself to be around the 18wk mark (as it was around the 6wk point in my last pregnancy that I experienced sickness) when I got my scan this January. Now, the thing is, this pregnancy was entirely unplanned, a complete mystery (I have been so careful) and unfortunately I had decided to terminate the pregnancy.
This was very sad news for my boyfriend after losing his father, as we (and I hate to say, especially he) would have loved to keep it, but like last time, we had to make a practical decision. We are both firm believers that if you are going to bring a child into the world, you should be able to provide the best possible start for it - at the moment, this is definitely not something we can do .
So, as you may imagine, seeing the empty gestational sac on the scan was a relief. She placed it to be no more than 9 weeks, but there was NO yolk sac or evidence of a foetal matter at all - the thought that I had been carrying an empty sac for 9+ weeks (or possibly the whole time!) actually disturbed me a little bit, especially given the constantly changing feelings of hostility, guilt and attachment (to what I thought had been a baby) that I had been experiencing. Not to mention all the unmentioned tension between me and my partner, who was of course having to deal with the grief of losing his dad so abruptly as well.
My clinician had concerns it could be a molar pregnancy, but given my dates (I believe I conceived in October) and having done some more research I believe I suffered either a missed miscarriage or a blighted ovum. Anyway, I had a D&E arranged for this coming Monday (the 26th), where they would send the tissue off for pathological testing, but on Tuesday (20th), the day of my scan, I started having terrible, terrible pain which continued for two days. Honestly, this was the worst experience of my life; at first I thought I was just experiencing cramps from the TV scan the nurse had given me, as a quick Google told me many women experience cramping after internal scans. I calmed down. But the next night, it was even worse, they were like no period pain I have ever had and I now realise they were contractions. I barely slept, then at 7:30 am on the 23rd I expelled the sac, very quickly and suddenly, which was indeed empty. Unfortunately, as this all happened so quickly and scared me so much, I didn't keep it for testing; so now I get to worry about whether or not it WAS molar until that makes itself evident, even now the pg is over.
This experience has been so exhausting, but the worst part is I was expecting to feel relief and I just don't. The abortion I had last time WAS a foetus, it would've had a heartbeat and form at 8wks, and although I grieved in a very small way for that lost little one, it just didn't have the same impact because I was in no way as emotionally ready for a child then as I am now three years later, and I knew that keeping that one would have made nobody safe, happy or comfortable, in fact the opposite was more likely.
This time, barring financial circumstances and my indecision about what to do about university, my partner and I could definitely have kept it; he'd be a fantastic dad and he frequently vocalises that he wants a baby. It's stupid, but knowing there was no child there has made this harder because I feel like I'm grieving and have been stressing so much over nothing. I almost wish there had been a baby I could see and touch but there was nothing, just a sac - in fact, I even wish I'd kept that because I have this subconscious urge to look at and touch the thing I laboured so painfully to pass; in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm chemically attached even to that lifeless, fluid-filled nothing.
I'm feeling so confused and sad and I don't know what to do! Now that I'm not pregnant, and no longer have to go through the pain of going for another abortion, all I want to do is have a baby!!!! (which I know I can't do now). The words 'cruelly tricked' or 'cheated' just jump to the forefront of my mind. I don't feel like I can talk to my boyfriend about this because all the time he was in pain over his dad, I felt like I was making it 10x worse by killing his child and being quite firm and practical about it. But now the dynamic has switched; he's been noticeably happier since finding out the pregnancy wasn't viable anyway, and although my miscarriage scared him witless (I refused to let him take me to hospital, I think I knew what was happening) and was literally yesterday, it's almost like he's forgotten it already.
I know that's just his method of coping but I don't want to bring up more sad feelings and depressive thoughts, especially not any that carry a mixed-message toward TTC, when he's finally seeming a bit more upbeat. I don't have many friends locally as they are all away at uni, I'm not very close to my mother and it's just totally ironic that my gran would've been the very lady I would want to discuss all of this with. I'm just about ready to lose hope here.
Anyway, I guess that's the end, sorry for the super long post, all the support services offered by the termination specialists I've been offered are useless and everywhere else has a very long waiting list. Thanks ladies x.
queeny I'm sorry you've had such a crappy year and lost people you loved. It can actually make it harder to deal with a miscarriage when the emotions surrounding it are so mixed up. For most women at least it is straightforward grief and sadness, and they can TTC again when they feel strong enough to in some way "put things right". The Miscarriage Association have a phoneline if you feel talking to someone would help but you can't access counselling in the short term.
Molar pregnancy is quite rare. Do a home pregnancy test about a fortnight after your loss and if it's negative you can stop worrying on that score. If it's positive your GP will monitor blood HCG to ensure it's low and falling, if it rises you'd be referred back to EPU for investigation.
It's not my place to lecture you, but please think about what your Gran would have said on the subject of contraception and sticking your head in the ground. A late termination would have been a horribly traumatic thing to go through.
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