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miscarried and now feeling lost

(5 Posts)
peanutbutterbaguette Sat 06-Dec-14 17:08:18

hi,
I am feeling very confused. I just had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. We had been trying for a year so it was planned.. during the time we thought i was pregnant, we both started to have many doubts about the realities of parenting - how we would cope financially, the sacrifices that we would have to make, and even had doubts about the strength of our relationship. Despite this, we both had resolved to make the best of it and I hoped that these fears were normal and would ease in time.
Now that I am no longer pregnant, it seems that we have both lost our way entirely and all the fears we had a few weeks ago are really concerning us. The last year and a bit has been focussed entirely on trying to conceive and now I don't know what to do anymore. I still think I want kids but OH is more freaked out. We are arguing constantly.
The feeling of having no direction now is overwhelming and I just don't know what to do.
I can't really talk with RL friends about this and I just feel really isolated..

charlieankirsty14 Sat 06-Dec-14 22:57:23

first of all, so sorry about you mc hun that really is devastating news and i hope you can soon start to recover and move forward with your life.

surely it is normal to have doubts and worries about becoming a parent but regardless of your worries it will happen when it is supposed to and when it does im sure you and your OH will be fantastic parents. regards to constantly arguing maybe its because you both are grieving for your child you've lost and your not communicating properly? your obviously both hurting and your OH is freaked out because he is worried it may happen again and he doesn't want you to go through it again nor does he?

maybe you both need to sit and speak and have a think about what you both want, its obvious a child is something you both want but don't put pressure on your relationship because of it.

its great you've come on here to chat because sometimes friends and relatives don't know what to say properly to make you feel better.

i really hope you feel better soon. if you want to chat send me a message.
thinking of you.

Jady77 Sun 07-Dec-14 13:47:25

Hi, I miscarried 8 weeks ago and OH and I have similar concerns & fears, especially around finances. I've also found that issues have manifested in other ways where normal day to day stresses have really gotten on top of me.

I called my GP in the end and I was given a choice of two treatments CBT, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or counselling for miscarriage (which my partner could go to too). I've chosen the CBT route as I'm hoping it will give me tools to understand and deal with things better not just for this MC, but whatever else life has to throw at me. I do feel a bit guilty about going this route as it means OH doesn't get any help.

For now I'm just looking forward to getting my AF back to normal so we can TTC again. That's the plan anyway, but arguments have made me fear OH will change his mind, but he hasn't so far.

Do your arguments tend to be about the same thing? Ours don't seem to.

littlesupersparks Sun 07-Dec-14 14:00:05

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have been pregnant 3 times and all three have had the 'oh shit what have I done...' Thoughts despite all being planned.

These thoughts went on for weeks and week and I think were hormonally driven. With my latest pregnancy I was able to recognise them and think 'oh here we go again!'

I would seek some help/counselling to deal with the miscarriage. It is an awful thing to happen. I would try not to engage in any arguments about whether or not you want children at such a raw time. There is no need to start TTC immediately. I hope you can both be gentle to yourselves and each other x

peanutbutterbaguette Mon 08-Dec-14 09:28:50

Thank you so much for your kind messages and support, and I am sorry for all your losses too.

charlieankirsty14 It's true that people in rl don't seem to know what to say, I guess because it is so common, people can be quite insensitive without meaning to.
We weren't communicating well at all! Finally we had a good chat yesterday, after a lot of tears, and I think we were mainly arguing because we were both upset and being super sensitive.

Jady77 I'd like to have some counselling but it's a bit difficult as I live abroad most of the year. When I was pregnant, I felt that it gave me some direction, and now, all the options - changing career, moving back to the UK have opened up and it would be great to have someone to talk to that isn't part of my everyday life. Our arguments were really about silly things, like me taking something that he said the wrong way. Communication problems basically I suppose.

littlesupersparks It's so weird isn't it. I've been so sure it's what I wanted and then when it happens I was expecting more feelings of excitement but actually it was mainly just fear.
We haven't decided whether to ttc again. I think I'd like to wait a least a month for my cycles to settle, but I am not sure that OH is ready yet so I definitely need to give him some more time anyway.

Thanks again for your replies. It's been really helpful x

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