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over 40, mmc and feel like i wont get chance to be a mum

(17 Posts)
bibby19 Tue 02-Dec-14 14:57:46

I Have just had an erpc last week after an mmc at 10+ weeks, was told the baby died at 7weeks. I'm 42 and only met the right partner in last couple of years. Didn't think I could get pregnant and was thrilled to be unexpectedly pregnant. Now I feel that I'm not only engulfed by grief about losing my baby, but also about the ever reducing chances of me having a baby. I can't stop crying, and am just about functioning on a day to day level. I just can't bear the thought that I might not ever be able have a baby. I Didn't know until I was pregnant how much I wanted to be a mum.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Tue 02-Dec-14 17:50:46

So sorry for your loss. I've just had a mmc too. More than likely your mmc was just one of those horribly bad luck things that happens in at least 1 in 4. That means it won't make any difference to your future chance of having a successful pregnancy.
I know that isn't much consolation right now. It's a huge shock at first and then there is grief. Allow yourself the time to feel it. Sending you a big hug. We will get through this. thanks thanks

bibby19 Tue 02-Dec-14 20:20:51

Thanks for your message. I'm sorry you are going through this too. It's f'ing horrible. I hope you are bearing up. It is very kind of you to share your thoughts with me at such a difficult time. How are you feeling, if ok to ask? I did not realise just how often this thing happens, but how devastating it is for those going through it. Also I hadnt really realised how side swiped with grief I would be, it's only really hit me in the last day or so and I feel paralysed by it. My erpc was last Wednesday, I think I've been in shock since then. I'm sure it will get better with time, it's sometimes hard to hold onto that when you are in the midst. Sending you hugs too xxx

Andcake Tue 02-Dec-14 20:46:41

The good news is you got pregnant. But a mmc is horrid - mc risk does go up with age. I was told by a consultant that getting pregnant was the hard part. I conceived successfully at 39 after 2 mc. Although I was younger with my mmc I felt v similar to you - I had a diagnosis of low ovarian reserve and it had taken a year to conceive.
Personally if I was you I would go on a health kick research supplements, yoga whatever to boost egg quality. E.g look into zinc, dhea, flaxseed oil, co enzyme q10, no booze etc Reduction in egg quality is what apparently causes more mc with age. Most mc are just one of those things though. Be really kind to yourself. It's so sad - grieve, cry...take some time.

Also I think the advice to wait before ttc was changed a couple of years ago so focus on the future - as I used to tell myself I need one good egg and it's not over til my periods stop.

Wolfiefan Tue 02-Dec-14 20:49:29

My first pg was a mmc. I was devastated. I really went through a grieving process and was really scared I'd never have kids.
I now have two!
Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to heal. xx

DayLillie Tue 02-Dec-14 21:02:02

I know two people who had a baby at 46 and I am a real Billy-no-mates grin. Both had had miscarriages before.

Keep healthy and look after each other.

bibby19 Tue 02-Dec-14 21:19:57

Andcakes, thanks for that advice. That really has made me feel a bit more positiv, which has been in short supply lately. . Also your last line is a great way to look at it. Thank you so much!! Xxx

bibby19 Tue 02-Dec-14 21:22:06

Wolfiefan. Thanks for that. I think people are right, just be kind to yourself. Xx

bibby19 Tue 02-Dec-14 21:25:03

Thanks DayLillie. It's good to hear those stories xx

Belleende Wed 03-Dec-14 08:48:51

Hey bibby I am 40 on my 4th pregnancy after three losses, it sucks not knowing if you will be a mum or not. It is true time is not on your side. If this is something you want, you are going to have to fight for it and do all you can to tip the odds in your favour. My advice is dry your eyes and beg/borrow/steal enough money to go to a private consultant. Get your egg reserves measured, have all the standard repeat miscarriage tests, start using a fertility monitor, make sex on your fertile days your number one priority (above work, weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs) start taking fertility vitamins, really take care of yourself. Sorry to sound so tough, but you need to find your fighting spirit. If you choose to go down this road, it is possible there will be more heart break ahead and ultimately you may not end up with a baby. But then again you might. Only you can decide if it is all worth it. Good lucK.

cloudjumper Wed 03-Dec-14 15:37:39

So sorry to hear about your loss, bibby. The emotional rollercoaster is brutal.
I'm 42 as well, and similar to you, started ttc very late (had DS at 39). I've since then had 4 miscarriages and am increasingly panicking about the fact that time is not on my side.
I've had my AMH checked, and as expected, my ovarian reserve is low. And two of my four mcs were due to chromosomal abnormalities, which I don't have to tell you are the greatest risk factor at our age.

However, I had a long and thorough chat with my consultant after my last mc, and he was actually very positive and encouraging, stating that I still have a very good chance of having a successful pregnancy. So yes, the risk for trisomies at our age is around 1:42, but if you calculate this 'the other way round', this translates into a 97.7% chance that everything will be fine - which is actually pretty good, if you think about it.
There are so many positive stories around about women with healthy and happy pregnancies in their forties, it is very common! Now I am not the best example for this, but I'm still hopeful that it will happen for me!

Give yourself some time to recover from your mc and look after yourself, you have been through the mill flowers

As belle has said, it is not an easy ride to take, and only you can decide if you want to take it. Ask you GP if you might be able to get some of the tests done (progesterone levels, for example), (s)he might be understanding and cooperative. But don't be put out if they don't, unfortunately, unless you've had recurring mcs, they will not do anything (unless you go private).

It is not impossible, and you are not alone!
Come and join us on the 40+ ttc thread, where you will find lots of support and handholding, should you decide to try again.

bibby19 Wed 03-Dec-14 19:40:05

Hi Belle, everyone's advice has been really helpful, encouraging and practical. Don't worry about sounding too tough, it is a massive help to me that people share their experiences with me. Thanks for sharing what you've learnt. I still feel frankly like shit, but yours and others words are giving me a roadmap for how to move forward and I intend to start my action plan this weekend. Am sending you love and warmest wishes with your current pregnancy xxx

bibby19 Wed 03-Dec-14 19:52:13

Cloudjumper, thank you for your words. It is a real revelation to me how generous and supportive people are on here. I am on a brutal rollercoaster right now, I feel for you having been on it at all is rrubbish, more than once, well that takes a lot of guts to deal with I think.

Your consultant sounds great. The reversal of the maths is a real revelation. Thanks for sharing!

The ladies on here have made me feel a lot more positive and that there are avenues I can explore. Thanks so much all of you!!

I will join the the thread, sounds good! Wishing you all the luck in the world with ttc xx

Lagoonablue Wed 03-Dec-14 19:57:24

You can do it! Mmc at 42. DC1 at 43, DC2 at 47!

I did it to a system though. Took temps, targeted sex, ov predictor kits etc. it worked though.

Good luck!

bibby19 Wed 03-Dec-14 20:29:26

Thanks Lagoonablue. Great to hear your success!! I'm definitely going to approach this more systematically from now on. I figure stack the odds in my favour as much as possible xx

Lagoonablue Thu 04-Dec-14 10:08:09

Use Fertility Friend app or website to track your cycles. It's really helpful.

bibby19 Fri 05-Dec-14 08:52:26

I took a look at that app last night. Looks really good. I've come to the conclusion that I need to treat ttc with more rigour and be more organised about it. Last time was a happy accident which sadly didn't come to pass. But given I'm 40+ I need to be more structured in my approach. The advice on here and in other threads is so valuable xx

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