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So how do you be happy around pregnant friends after you have lost a baby?

(11 Posts)
Berriesinautumn Fri 14-Nov-14 12:03:51

I had a late miscarriage. I have just been to see a friend who told me she was pregnant. This news has made the sense of loss, emptiness pain and bereavement so keen all over again. It does hurt to know that others are going through all the sheer happiness, the joy of being pg at Xmas, the joy of a sibling for dc1 and all the things I was going through and looking forward to. This takes to three the friends who would have been pg at the same time. It had all worked out so well, having the group of friends pg at the same time. But it didn't work out well. The fact that due to my age I am unlikely to get pg again, and am not sure I can bear to even try, makes it worse. I want to keep seeing my friends, but not sure I can bear to. This is all so, so hideous and painful. I think I am coming to terms with it, but things like this keep sending me of into misery again. And I just don't get the impression that anyone is even close to understanding how it feels. How have others coped with this?

stargirl1701 Fri 14-Nov-14 12:07:43

Just time, I'm afraid. Good friends of ours fell pg at the same time as we did. We had the same due date. We lost our pg in a missed mc and found out at the 12 week scan. They went on to have a wee boy. We are his godparents. The first year was incredibly hard but he is four now and I feel wistful rather than raw.

thanks

Jennifersrabbit Fri 14-Nov-14 12:11:51

I am so sorry. I've been in your shoes and it is very hard to know how to cope. A few thoughts though.
Firstly it is very hard and you should give yourself permission to feel that way. Smile, congratulate, be all you need to be in public but let yourself howl and lick your wounds in private.
Also, in my experience and apparently in that of many others, the pregnancy is the hardest bit. I have found it much easier to enjoy other friends children, who after all are new little people in their own right and my friends' babies not mine. The pregnancy on the other hand has been very tough.
If your friends know of your late miscarriage I think it would be fine to ask gently that they don't overwhelm you with details of scans, pictures, baby purchases etc. My friends have done this without my asking - not in a 'don't ever mention being pregnant' way but in a sensitive way.
I do hope things ease soon. Did you say you have a dc1? Give them a huge hug.

Berriesinautumn Fri 14-Nov-14 12:27:22

Thanks Stargirl and Jennifer. I know I just have to hang in there and bear it. It is so so hard though.

stargirl1701 Fri 14-Nov-14 12:49:43

So hard, berries, so hard. thanks

MissWing Sat 15-Nov-14 19:02:50

Hi berries. My GP said something helpful. He said that experiencing all the hard emotions when a friend tells you they are pregnant tries not mean that you aren't happy for your friend. It's just a measure of how important this is to you.

I have coped by trying to meet friends' new babies on my 'strong days' when i feel like I'll be able to cope and wear my brave face.

In a sense experiencing this pain is part of the healing process. I see working through the emotional stuff as a big knotted ball of string that I carry about with me. It can't be untangled in one sitting, so it comes out and I handle it, working through the strands and then it goes away again. Gradually the ball is unknotted. Some things that happen will force you to deal with the string (a friend announcing a pregnancy is an obvious one) and if it's a safe environment and you feel you can, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Can you talk to someone neutral and not pregnant about this and unburden a little?

You are being very very brave. Be kind to yourself. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.

MrsHathaway Sat 15-Nov-14 19:12:38

Sorry to hear about your loss flowers

It is very hard. But a wise friend who had gone through it before me pointed out that the pregnant woman wasn't having my baby, nor did I want hers. Our journeys were completely independent: there's not a quota of successful pregnancies each year where she got in and you didn't make the cut.

I found that very useful. I still have a pang when I see my friend's son who would have been a "twin" to my lost baby, even though I went on to have my DC2.

Give yourself time.

SpanielFace Thu 20-Nov-14 08:38:27

OP, I'm going through this at the moment. I had a 21 week miscarriage in May, he would have been due in October. Several friends were pregnant at the same time, their babies have all been arriving over the last month or two, and it's so bloody hard. sad My best friend from uni has just had her 2nd little boy, her eldest is the same age as my DS. I need to send her a card & gift, but I can't even think about shopping for baby clothes sad. I'm trying my best to hide it from friends as I don't want to detract from their happiness, but am in tears in the evening almost every other day at the moment sad. No advice, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. thanks

PossumPoo Thu 20-Nov-14 13:39:56

I was just thinking this this morning. It's not that I'm not happy for them, but it's the emotion out of no-where that is getting to me. I had a early MC in Jan with DC2 and was due in September. My cousin gave birth in September to her second DC. I then had another mc in September due in April and my very close friend announced the next time I saw her that she was due DC2 in April.

I'm very very happy for them both, and most times I'm ok. But every now and then I get a sense of...sadness but also what-if-ness that just leaves me in a sobbing heap. Thankfully so far these have been in private!

Greenbootsbell Thu 20-Nov-14 13:44:35

I didn't cope - and isolated myself - hoped people would understand but they didn't & lost friends
So if you can think long-term the pain and difficulty now is worth it if you still want to have friends

Pessimoptimistic Sat 22-Nov-14 08:37:08

In a similar situation . My best friend had her third child the same day I had my dd. Since then I went on to have 4 mcs, the most recent after ivf in April. My bf did ivf a few weeks later and is now 6 months pregnant. I have found it so incredibly hard. I am so happy for her but so devastated for myself and I just haven't been able to face her. She lives on the other side of the country but I haven't been in contact very much. I feel like such a nasty person. I should be bigger than this but I find it incredibly hard not to be so sad and so envious.

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