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Not trying again after multiple losses?

(5 Posts)
Itscurtainsforyou Thu 13-Nov-14 16:54:41

Just wondering about others' experiences...
I have a 4 yo LO
Had an early miscarriage a couple of years ago
Lost a pregnancy at 22 weeks last year
Have had two early miscarriages this year

Before the latest miscarriages I had been looking into adoption as a way of completing our family, as I thought pregnancy wasn't a possibility for me any more. Then I become pregnant and miscarried twice in quick succession.

I've had great treatment at the hospital, they have an early treatment plan for me in my next pregnancy (as a result of tests done etc).

But. I don't think I can bring myself to try to get pregnant again. I just think of the stress and anxiety I've felt in every pregnancy (which is probably getting worse to be fair, after 4 losses now) and I don't think I can put myself through it.

I have a few health issues which are made worse by pregnancy, but these have been managed OK before. I'm also 40, so have only a few fertile years left and obviously some of the risks are higher.

I'm starting to think we'd be much better applying for adoption (not immediately, when the time is right) than trying to get pregnant. I've asked a few questions on the adoption board and asked friends who are adopters, so I know it's not an easy ride, but my gut feeling right now is that it's the best way forward for us. But at the same time I have a niggling feeling that I'm giving up on the idea of another birth child too soon. I also, bizarrely, feel that I'm letting down the hospital staff who have been so good to me.

Does anyone have any experience of this or words of wisdom to help me find a way forward?

bakingtins Thu 13-Nov-14 18:07:07

curtains we went round and round this. I'm soon to be 40 and had 4 MC before having my daughter on our "last try" this year. I had looked into adoption and got as far as discussing with a social worker. She was quite negative about adoption with young birth children (ds1 8, ds2 4) and the other issue for us was the intrusiveness of the vetting process, and the lack of post adoption support experienced by friends who have done it. We also felt "at least one year after stopping TTC or MC" "40 year maximum age gap" and "at least 2 yrs younger than DC" would restrict our matches.
Coventry offered us answers and new hope while we were still mulling it over and we decided to TTC,but it is hard to put yourself back in the firing line. No easy answers - good luck making the decision that's right for you.

Itscurtainsforyou Thu 13-Nov-14 22:24:52

Thanks bakingtins. I just don't know what to do for the best.

cloudjumper Fri 14-Nov-14 14:20:26

I've been there. Or rather, I still am. After 4 mcs, the idea to keep trying is anything but enticing, and I am really struggling with finding any motivation.

I have 1 DS (3.5) and am going to be 43 in January, so time is not on my side. In fact, it is already playing a big role, as 2 of my mcs were due to chromosomal abnormalities.

After my last mc, I started looking into alternative options - donor eggs and adoption. I started asking questions on the MN adoption forum, and people were lovely - I would suggest going there for more information, they all know where you are coming from!
Although we are still officially ttc at the moment, I find myself doubting for how long I will be able to keep going, before I call it a day.

Sorry, not much help, but your words echo what I am feeling - neither here nor there.

I would suggest to maybe wait a bit longer, and don't put yourself under pressure to make a decision by tomorrow - it is such an emotional rollercoaster, and you can't put a definite timeline on things like this.
Maybe try and get as much information about what you think you might consider your alternatives? That might help with making your mind up.

Lastly, do not forget to discuss all this with your DP/DH - he might have very specific ideas about what he wants to do! I charged ahead and was then quite taken aback when mine told me that he really doesn't want to do either donor eggs or adoption... So there was the decision I had been so worried about.

Good luck, and don't rush it!

cloudjumper Fri 14-Nov-14 14:22:09

Oh, and I can highly recommend getting counselling, if this is something you would consider - it has been so helpful and a real eye-opener for me!

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