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letter to my unborn angel....

(17 Posts)
babyangelbean20315 Tue 28-Oct-14 09:41:14

I've been so down about losing my baby. I thought maybe if I write my jellybean a letter it might help me feel better, read it if you want, I needed to let out some of my feelings, there's so much more but the pain takes over, please if you do read this don't write anything you wouldn't want to hear
~~~~
To my baby peanut, my little jellybean, my beautiful little Angel baby,

I remember all too well the test saying pregnant - 3weeks +

The feeling of shock and happiness and everything all at once, the tears instantly came flooding from my eyes, everything in my world changed, my world was now yours and you were my everything .

After the first initial day of shock I got so excited, finally after watching my friends become mums it was my turn, time for my mini me to come along and cause chaos something, someone I had always wanted.

Me and your dad loved you from the very beginning, I was so excited when I saw the midwife and she told me we will get an early scan to find out how many weeks I was, when the day came to see you I was so angry with how long I sat there waiting, nearly 3hrs just for a quick scan where I get to see you for 5 minutes, now I would give anything to be back there waiting to see you...there you were, my precious lil peanut, that's how u looked to me, my little peanut with a heartbeat, she said you were 8 weeks 5/6days..My heart melted my baby is healthy and ok and older than I thought . I walked back to my car with tears of joy

That was it from that day I knew how old u were was the day me and your dad started to prepare for you to join us, babygrows, socks, vests, blankets, shoes, nappies, toys, dummies, babywipes a lot of babywipes, we were just so excited everywhere there was baby clothes, stuff to look at to get you, planning what buggy i would get you and what cot you will sleep in....the thought of you never coming never even crossed my mind all I could think about was you growing, looking online what you would look like now and how big you would be.

Sept 4th came, my birthday jus a normal day as far as anyone would know, went for a meal, just generally looked forward to seeing you the next day, tomorrow would be my 12 week scan you would be there in full affect looking like a baby with a big old head

Sept 5th, your dad had an emotional day, had been at a funeral for a close friend and had been having this feeling of something not being right since waking, little did we know that feeling was you :'(

We went to our scan to come and see you, your dad missed the first one so he was looking forward to seeing you so bad, so happy when we walked into that building

I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago
Lying on that bed
Looking up at that screen
**
My thoughts:
Where's my peanut ?
Oh there you are ...
What's going on
Why are you so small
Why dont you look how I pictured you with that big head you see in scans
What's wrong with my baby ?
*
Reality - the lady looked at us
I'm so sorry
Your baby has no heart beat

My life ended
I instantly broke down

What do u mean there's no heartbeat?!?
You had a heartbeat, you had been growing you were my bean where have u gone ?! Why don't I feel like your gone??

Your dad, I've never seen him like that before, crying, sobbing like me we held each other, we held you through me
We loved you

Nothing was the same
I don't remember anything else anyone said to Me that day, I remember you
I cried for you
Forever

There were no signs you had left us, no way of us knowing you weren't just our Angel anymore, now your heavens angel, my peanut, my jellybean, my Angel was gone and I didn't even know it :'(

I love you, I still can't believe your gone, Ino u didn't wanna go because I had to have an operation, your soul still lives with me even though for some reason it was unable to live in me sad I still feel you with me I just wish you were here
I think about you every day
You were my world
You are my world
I never got to touch you but you touched me, you gave me feelings I've never felt before
Untill the day I meet you I will always miss you

I will carry on trying to have your little brother or sister but I will never replace you, I will never forget you

All I have is memories of feelings
Memories of scans
Toys you never got to play with
Clothes you never got to wear
A memory of a life that never got to live

I love you my baby Angel bean

Xx

Love your mummy who wishes you were here still growing with me

Promise you'll be alright, until the day I can hold you tight, promise you'll be alright xxxxxx

bakingtins Tue 28-Oct-14 19:59:33

flowers

Flower29 Tue 28-Oct-14 20:11:03

A beautiful tribute to your baby flowers x

babyangelbean20315 Wed 29-Oct-14 07:02:33

Thank you, thanks for even reading it I needed to do something and I dunno what to do :'( I want my baby back so bad every day is a struggle

BastardGoDarkly Wed 29-Oct-14 07:14:51

Oh love, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby sad flowers

It's still such early days, well done for writing your feelings down, glad it helped, even just a tiny bit.

I hope you have lots of support, your dp too, He sounds lovely.

Look after yourself and each other x

Pompatrol Wed 29-Oct-14 07:15:58

Beautiful words. So sorry for your loss thanks

babyangelbean20315 Wed 29-Oct-14 07:21:38

Thank you, I feel like I should be getting back on with life now but I cant, I can't face work because there's a lady with my due date there, I can't face my friends. Because they have kids running around, I dont wanna break down in front of my man because I don't want him to break down aswell I feel alone I feel like I wanna curl up and die but then if I do that I won't get to have any babies sad but I wanna be with my baby sad I hate that there's nothing growing in me , I cry every time that I realise it's reality I keep forgetting and holding my belly and then I remember I'm not holding anything :'(

babyangelbean20315 Wed 29-Oct-14 07:25:40

Sorry if I seem over the top, I'm only 22 I wasn't prepared for any of this to happen to me, and I've never lost anyone close to me this is my first real loss and its tearing me apart

BastardGoDarkly Wed 29-Oct-14 07:29:28

Have you spoken to your doctor? This is grief, but it may help to talk to someone if it's really to much to bear.

babyangelbean20315 Wed 29-Oct-14 07:46:04

I just feel like I'm constantly crying n if I'm not crying I'm fake smiling I have spoke to them they said it is normal but I should go back in like 3 weeks just to see how I'm doing, there's nowhere to go for help, there is only one support group in Bristol and they meet once a month ! Haven't had chance to go yet but I jus need something I need someone to just tell everything to , I feel stupid doing that with my mum or my partner as they know what happened they felt the rollercoaster with me and I don't wanna bring them back on it when they seem to be doing so much better than me, I have a free counsilling number from work but I don't find it helpful talking then crying down the phone to someone who just says Oww Ino its hard , it gets me angry, like do u really no it's hard? Do u really know how I feel ?? I just dunno what to do, I've tried so much to try and help myself
I made a picture to have to kind of use as a memorial but that hasn't helped, I made some jewlery to represent my baby and so I can wear it every day as if they were still here, that hasn't worked , I recently bought a New CD and it has a song on there that just makes me cry every time I hear it , makes me think of what I could of and should of had but don't sad everything is a constant reminder of what I've lost

BastardGoDarkly Wed 29-Oct-14 08:44:41

Go back to your doctor, ask for one to one counselling, I'm sorry I'm not much use, but have you started a thread on the miscarriage board? Asking directly who they turned to that really helped?

Please don't be afraid to break down with your o.h. he may be feeling exactly the same, and need a good cry too, same goes for your mum, she won't be feeling like you, but I'm sure she'd want to be there for you.

babyangelbean20315 Wed 29-Oct-14 08:53:56

You have been helpful so dont apologize it's nice to know people you don't even know care x

bakingtins Wed 29-Oct-14 09:08:13

angel there is no one thing that will make it better. Grief is like a millstone round your neck, but each time you can make a positive step to honour your baby or move forward a little of it wears away until you realise it's a pebble you can slip into your pocket, a reminder of someone you loved and will never forget, but no longer weighing you down. Writing the letter, the jewellery, listening to your song etc will all help a little. I think you should definitely include a big cry with your mum and your partner, they will both be feeling the loss even if it's not as keenly as you, plus they love you and will want to support you. There's a Saying Goodbye service coming up in Cardiff, and there was one in Brizzle last year so worth keeping an eye on that list if you can't get to Cardiff. I had my first MC ( of 4) in 2009 and was completely devastated. In common with lots of women I've seen posting here I didn't feel like my old self until the due date had passed even though I was successfully pregnant again by then. The other suggestion is try talking to the www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk helpline, at least you know the volunteers there have been through similar if you need someone to pour it out to. You will come out the other side of this, promise, just be gentle with yourself whirl that process happens.

bakingtins Wed 29-Oct-14 09:09:38

Whirl = while

Flower29 Wed 29-Oct-14 09:19:51

Have you tried calling the miscarriage association? I believe the people there have experienced this themselves so know what you are going through. I'm so sorry you're feeling so alone, it is a horrendous experience. I would very much describe the emotional side as feeling like someone has died, but they haven't even got to live their life yet, and only you knew them so friends and family aren't grieving with you. I don't think anyone can truly understand what this feels like apart from a woman who has had this happen to them. I can relate to many of the things you wrote in your letter, it really touched me. Please don't feel pressured into getting back to 'normal' and take time off work if you need to, your go should sign you off for a couple of weeks no problem. So sorry you have had to go through this, we are all here on this board to support each other so please keep posting when you need to. Xxx

babyangelbean20315 Wed 29-Oct-14 09:32:35

I hope I get as lucky as u bakingtins
I hope that March I will be able to celebrate my baby's unlived life and hopefully be looking forward to my new beans life, I hope that is the way! My gp told me to do a test in few weeks and that's really messed my head up why would she say that n know that I probably aren't pregnant again sad

Thanks flower, I was signed off for 4 weeks and gradually been going back, I find myself making excuses not to go in and when I'm there I end up in a state and going home again sad I can y take more time off because I haven't been there long enough to qualify for all the sick pay so I'm just stuck at the moment

Thanks for the support its helped a lot this morning x

babyangelbean20315 Thu 08-Jan-15 12:48:07

I miss you xxx

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