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Miscarried last night at around 11 weeks.

(18 Posts)
WaffleWiffle Tue 08-Jul-14 15:27:32

You know that thing that you were? Well i am now

What an odd thing to say?! Maybe in her mind she is thinking that she shouldn't say "pregnant" or "pregnancy" to you, so she tried to think of another way to say it - with that odd and cruel outcome.

I would be inclined to say... "well I hope you don't miscarry, now that you have told people", but that would just be stooping to her level. Just congratulate her and move on.

leanne963 Tue 08-Jul-14 15:13:56

Thank you Joosie Woosie smile
I am doing better now, but last week a 'friend' who knew what i had been through came on facebook and was like 'I got something to tell you, are you free?' and i was like 'Of course, are you ok?' then she turned around and said something which took my breath away..

'You know that thing that you were? Well i am now :D :D'

That thing that i WAS, as in 'not any more'.... That really hurt me. Really made me feel sad again. I thought i was being over sensitive but really i think what she said was very cruel. I didnt think it was right to announce her pregnancy to me by reminding me i has lost my baby. Had she have said 'I am pregnant' it wouldnt have upset me as much as it did.....

Sorry for the rant! smile

joosiewoosie Wed 25-Jun-14 15:38:12

Hang on in there. The thought will jump up and bite you when you least expect it, but it WILL get easier to accept, even if others choose to ignore or forget it.
I had a mc at 12 weeks last September. We planted a magnolia tree in its memory and I wear a special necklace on every month anniversary.
I am now 9 weeks pregnant again. Right now, I'm trying not to get too attached for fear of another loss, but it's very hard. But there is hope. Sending all who have mc peace and healing.

Foxtrot7459 Wed 18-Jun-14 17:37:20

I said to my brother yesterday, 'It is like someone told me i was going to win the lottery. So i started planning this amazing future, then all of a sudden, NOPE sorry, we take that back...but go back to enjoying life like you did before.' But you cant, how can you go back to enjoying your life when for a short period of time you saw how amazing and beautiful it was about to become. It is HARD

I think you've got that spot on. I had scan at EPAU today which showed that I have pretty much passed everything so hopefully the worst is over physically now. It's just the emotional side of things now and I'm not sure that I've even begun to deal with that yet.

leanne963 Wed 18-Jun-14 14:27:44

It is weird isn't it, like before you go through a certain situation the blinkers are on and you just go about the world. Then all of a sudden, you are one of the '1 in 5 women' statistic and you start to think 'Hold on, i am so much more than just a number in a medical book, this is bloody hard'.
I hear about doctors being desensitised to women suffering from miscarriages because they are so common, but that doesn't mean the women should receive bog standard care.

I wish i didn't tell my family and friends i was pregnant, cause now i am getting loads of messages asking 'Are you ok?' and i am anything BUT ok. I got a tiny little baby hat and mittens staring at me in my bedroom, an optimistic friend was being sweet and trying to get involved when i told her i was expecting, now its a sad reminder.

I wish i could give every woman who has been through this a hug. I said to my brother yesterday, 'It is like someone told me i was going to win the lottery. So i started planning this amazing future, then all of a sudden, NOPE sorry, we take that back...but go back to enjoying life like you did before.' But you cant, how can you go back to enjoying your life when for a short period of time you saw how amazing and beautiful it was about to become. It is HARD.

thesmallbear Wed 18-Jun-14 14:00:32

Hi Leanne I feel like a lot of people are coming 'out of the woodwork' now with similar experiences. I wasn't aware of anyone who'd been through this beforehand. I am determined to talk about it where I can, as there's no shame in it and if there's more info out there people will be less shocked if and when this happens to them.

I also feel like my eyes have been opened. I knew miscarriages were common and that's why a lot of people wait till after their 12 week scan before telling people they are pregnant, but I never realised that a miscarriage would be this bad! It really is trivialised!

Marchhairy Wed 18-Jun-14 13:32:50

I get the going to bed with a smile on your face... I said to DH it's like our happy secret that kept us going has turned into a sad secret bubbling up at no notice. I don't think people talk about it enough.
I don't know emotionally when I will get better. Interesting to know others experiences- I guess it's like any bereavement?

leanne963 Wed 18-Jun-14 12:08:34

I think what i meant at the beginning of the last post was how many times i hear 'Oh it happens its fine, don't blame yourself' but i didn't expect it to be this emotional and painful. I've never heard someone close to me really explain how awful it is, i dunno....i just feel like 3 days ago no one i knew had been through a miscarriage and now i feel like everyone i know is like 'Me too, i've suffered a loss'. Was i being naive to it before i suffered a loss, or does no one really talk about it?

leanne963 Wed 18-Jun-14 12:04:03

It's crazy how miscarriages are so common but so traumatic and distressing, but no one talks about it. I feel like i was naive before i went through this loss, i feel like my eyes have now been open to the suffering so many women are going through on a day to day basis but just because it is common doesn't mean it should be trivialised.
I am so sorry TheSmallBear and Marchhairy that you are going through this, 'luckily' the bleeding and pain have subsided dramatically since yesterday. I think physically i am over the worst of it.
I am worried though that i haven't grieved yet. I have put on a brave face, telling my family and friends i am fine but it started to sink in when i got into bed last night. The past 4 weeks i have gone to bed with a smile on my face, thinking of the future with my partner and our baby. Last night i went to bed feeling like i had nothing to smile for. That is when my stomach dropped and it hit me. I am worried i am going to just break down in the next few days, did it take anyone else a few days/weeks before it really hit them???

Marchhairy Wed 18-Jun-14 10:26:43

Hi op, sorry to hear you are going through this. I started bleeding 2 weeks ago- thought I was 9/10 weeks but baby had died at 7 weeks. Went for conservative management as DH was working away and I had to pick DS up later. I passed the sac an lots of clots 2 days later but still heavy bleeding, but 5 days later cramped up loads again and passed a lot more. I'd gone back to work but luckily 2nd wave happened at home.
Gone on sick now, i think I need to grieve, even though invisible to every one else it was mine/DHs baby. DH working away not helping!
I had a chat to someone at work who has 2 kids but had a miscarriage in between - she says you will never forget them and it helped having someone understand that it is a real loss, and feeling bereaved is a normal and natural.
Hugs to everyone going through this x

thesmallbear Wed 18-Jun-14 10:04:39

Hi Leanne, so sorry for your loss. If you are still in pain I would go back to the docs and demand some stronger pain relief. I was disgusted that I was only given paracetamol and ibuprofen for the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life (and funnily enough paracetamol & ibuprofen didn't do anything).

I had the medical management of a miscarriage (tablets) last Wednesday & the pain was horrific, I was violently sick and had a severely upset stomach. After being given the tablets at hospital they said I could go home and wait for things to happen there if I wanted to (so I did). They told me when the pain hit to take paracetamol and ibuprofen, so I didn't think it was going to be as bad as it was!

On Thursday and Friday I was pretty much fine, but on Saturday I started to have contractions again. I found an urgent NHS walk-in centre as I really needed stronger pain relief. The doctor 'examined' me, which involved tapping me on the stomach (at the top, nowhere near where my womb is) and telling me I was gassy. She kept tapping me she ask if 'it hurt' and I said 'no the problem is in my womb which is further down!' She assumed that because I wasn't bleeding as heavily as Wednesday I had passed everything, but I knew I was having contractions and it wasn't just wind! She prescribed buscopan which is for stomach cramps (seems to be mainly for IBS). Luckily, I also managed to get some Co-Drdramol which is a stronger painkiller. Please ask for this if you're still in pain.

I finally passed the pregnancy sac on Monday. Unfortunately the doctors do not always know what they are going on about!

leanne963 Wed 18-Jun-14 09:42:11

MarmiteLover - The tree is a really good idea, i will definitely look into doing that. Even though i never had a baby in my arms i was already feeling such a strong bond with the baby!!

Catlover2014 - Thank you so much, big hugs to you too x

Foxtrot7459 - I am so so sorry to hear you went through all of this, it is devastating to be going through such a traumatic time in a hospital waiting room when you just want to curl into a ball and let the ground swallow you up! I wish i knew more about how far along the baby made it, cause i got a bad cramp on the 16th of May which only lasted a couple minutes, really was the worst cramp i have ever experienced i felt sick, then i miscarried on the 16th on June. Exactly a month later. I couldn't have a scan as i had just got on a 9 hour flight to the US to go to a wedding. I constantly question now whether or not that was the moment i lost my baby?! This was mine and my partners first pregnancy too, so i mirror your pain. Our story sounds very similar. I think the worst thing was when the doctor took my orange maternity notes booklet and just said 'I'll take that' and then placed it on a shelf behind her, that was horrible. I don't know what to say to you, even though i have been through it, no words seem to be of any comfort. I just hope you aren't in any pain or discomfort physically as i know emotionally it is going to be tough. Many hugs xxx

Foxtrot7459 Tue 17-Jun-14 21:44:46

leanne963 so sorry for you - I too have just suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks although from the scan it showed the baby had dies at 5-6 weeks. I had no symptoms until last week when I started to bleed. I spent last night passing copious amounts of blood and clots and have today spent 8 hours at the hospital today waiting to see a doctor - I too had my blood pressure taken 3 times by three different people and had to sit in a waiting room with pregnant ladies, even had a child running around asking if people had babies in their tummies. Fortunately she didn't ask me. On the plus side I now have to go back tomorrow for a re-scan and provisionally have surgery booked for Friday. I just want the whole thing over. It was my first pregnancy with what would have been my first child and both myself and my husband are devastated.

I wouldn't wish what I went through last night on my worst enemy and hope I never experience anything like it again.

Catlover2014 Tue 17-Jun-14 17:28:48

Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and for the poor treatment you received. You certainly deserved more compassion and care! Hugs xxx

marmitelover Tue 17-Jun-14 17:20:48

I found some medical staff were fantastic and handed the tissues over with a hug and others just looked at us as if we were over- reacting. I had already had my older son - so while I was devastated as I had had no problems the first time so it was such a shock, I think some thought along the lines of 'you've got one already what's the problem?'

It took a few months for my cycle to regulate which was tough when all I wanted to do was conceive again. I bled a lot when I miscarried and with hindsight it might have been wise to have someone check it was all ok. I meant to add to my previous post that if your bleeding is really heavy or you feel dizzy or are concerned at all, get yourself either to your EPU or Your GP. It's better to be told it's all fine and feel a bit neurotic than to suffer in silence.

My baby is a total blessing to us. The more so after such heartbreak. It does get better. I do still feel very sad sometimes about the babies I lost (a phrase I hate as it sounds like leaving a bag on a train rather than a medical issue and I had another very very early miscarriage before DS2 came along).

I know other mums who had miscarriages who have planted a tree or rose bush or similar to help them remember which I think is quite a nice idea.

leanne963 Tue 17-Jun-14 17:08:05

Aw i bet that was a lovely little gift after everything you went through? I think we will start trying again in a few months.
It is hard to not be too despondent, i completely understand they are overwhelmed with patients, you just feel overwhelmed too when you are going through a miscarriage.
It is amazing what our bodies can put up with and go through, women are mighty strong creatures i tell you.... smile

marmitelover Tue 17-Jun-14 16:57:06

I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds like the hospital were crap.

I had a miscarriage at the same sort of point in pregnancy and it was devastating. Pain relief isn't much good - try cocodamol if you can take that - and just go to bed and rest. I got terrible migraines for a few days once the bleeding had subsided as my hormones readjusted. It's a horrible thing to go through and you need to give yourself lots of love and care both physically and mentally. Let yourself cry.

Don't be too despondent - medical staff can be quite dismissive about miscarriage as it is so common. It doesn't help you feel better or anything, but try not to see this as the end of your dreams of being parents. I say this as I sit here nursing my baby, conceived a few months after my own loss

leanne963 Tue 17-Jun-14 16:46:26

I was pregnant with my first child, me and my partner were so excited. I found out on the 5th of May i was pregnant and since i found out i was paranoid something would go wrong. It is like i had intuition, i just knew something wasn't right. I spotted regularly but i thought that due to my naturally sensitive cervix that must be normal.
Yesterday morning i woke up and started cramping bad, there was a little more blood than usual but i tried not to panic. I heard so many stories from other people who bled loads and still had a happy healthy baby, so i tried not to think the worse. I was due my dating scan in 3 days so i was sure everything would be ok.
By 3pm i was cramping bad, felt like extreme period pains, and i started to bleed bright red blood. I rang my midwife, she was on holiday and in her message she said to ring Triage, rang Triage, they said to ring my GP. Eventually got an emergency appointment for 5pm, but by then i was already passing huge clots and bleeding profusely.
Was sent to A&E and had my blood pressure taken three different times, by three different people. After each time i was told to wait in the waiting room. By this point i was miscarrying in the waiting room, large pools of blood were pouring out every time i stood up. I was crying with emotional and physical pain. I had my blood taken, they said everything was fine but that i would have to come back the next day for a scan as no one from the Ultrasound unit was in.
So as i had came to the realisation that i had lost my baby, i had to go home and be in pain then come back in the next morning.
It was horrible, being sat in a waiting room with couples who were beaming over their new scan photos, seeing their baby for the first time, while me and my partner were preparing to see nothing on the screen.
The doctors were still acting optimistic, 'Oh so you have some pain and bleeding?'.....'No, i have had passed so much blood that i know what the inevitable outcome is.'
I didn't mean to come across angry, but i was frustrated with the care of the doctors, i felt cheated, i was pissed.
But as they passed me a 'Coping with Miscarriage' booklet and told me to get rest, i had already come to terms with it, as i knew what had happened over 12 hours ago before they confirmed it.

I am OK now, i am gutted beyond words, but i am trying to be strong. I am in paid, the aches are constant and the bleeding is heavy, but NOTHING in comparison to last night.

I truly pray i never have to go through that again and i feel tremendous sympathy with any woman going through the same pain.

How is everyone else coping with the cramps and pain? No pain relief is working for me....

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