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How to support my best friend

(8 Posts)
slightlyconfused85 Tue 27-May-14 14:31:42

My best friend has found out today that her baby had no heart beat at the scan at 12 weeks. She had a bleed a few weeks ago but went to EPU and they said all was well at the time. She just text me after I'd been waiting to hear from her, and just said the baby had no heartbeat and then she has turned her phone off.

I have a little girl who is 19 months old (she was a surprise) so I know how difficult this is going to be for my friend but I have no idea what to say - shall I just send her a message saying how much I love her and just to get in contact when she is ready, or do I just leave her alone? We don't live in the same city, but only about an hour away so we don't spend loads of time together.

VashtaNerada Tue 27-May-14 14:33:58

That message sounds perfect. Is there someone who could look after your daughter so the two of you could go out for a coffee in a week or two? Everyone's different but I found I really wanted to talk after my MMC and was frustrated when people avoided the subject.

slightlyconfused85 Tue 27-May-14 14:38:58

Thanks you Vashta - yes my DDs dad can stay with her on a weekend and I can go up and see her - easily arranged. My gut instinct is just to rush up there and be with her, but I'm very very lucky never to have experienced losing a baby and I have no idea how she must be feeling. She is traditionally a 'shut down' type of person, and prone to stress and anxiety at little things so I'm quite worried about how her emotional state might end up.

I'll send her the message and perhaps add that if she needs to talk or wants me to be there I can be there for her anytime. Feel so sad for her, but mostly I'm really worried about her.

slightlyconfused85 Tue 27-May-14 14:39:23

also, is what she's had a MMC? What will she have to go through next?

VashtaNerada Tue 27-May-14 16:17:19

There's various options depending on her situation - could have a small operation called an ERPC. Or it may be that everything has already happened naturally a few weeks ago. I think if you give her the option of chatting or keeping to herself, that should be fine.

OhTheDrama Tue 27-May-14 17:02:25

I have just been through this and your message sounds perfect. I found out at 10+5 that our baby had no heartbeat and an ERPC at 12 weeks. When I found out, I just felt so, so shocked and numb that I really couldn't face anyone. I had to tell my my parents by text as I just couldn't get the words out. Because my pregnancy had gotten to that point I stupidly assumed I was safe and obviously everything came crashing down when we were told.

Telling her that you are there for her when she is ready to talk is the best course of action. Maybe if you don't hear from her in week or so follow it up with a thinking of you text. She will have a difficult time ahead and she really needs lots of love, support, time and patience.

SimplyComplicated Tue 27-May-14 21:48:45

The message you were going to send sounds perfect. Having no idea what to say is totally understandable too. One of the nicest messages I got off a friend after I had told people about my MC simply said
"I really have no idea what to say, but I know that nothing I do say will make you feel any better anyway. Ready to listen if or when your ready to talk, thinking of you always and love you loads"
She will have a tough time ahead of her, but hopefully her realising she has supportive friends like yourself will make it slightly easier for her to face.

Catlover2014 Wed 28-May-14 16:36:33

Really nice to see this message. I would have given anything for my best friend to put this level of thought and care into helping me after my mcs.

The message you've suggested sounds great. I think saying to her that you're there to listen and hug it out will mean a lot. I would also suggest you text or call her every few days to ask how she is and don't forget her. You'd be amazed how many people expect you to get over it like it's a cold when of course it takes much longer.

Sending some flowers or a plant is also a good way to show you're thinking of her. It brightens up the house and will remind her that she's not alone.

Overall she's just going to need love and support. Sounds like she already has that coming off you smile xxx

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