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I thought I was 'safe' - second trimester miscarriage

(38 Posts)
JBrd Tue 06-May-14 12:24:05

I had 3 mcs last year, all around 8 weeks. So when I got my BFP back in January this year, I was very anxious and worried it would happen again. Because of my history, I was very closely supervised and heavily medicated in this pregnancy - progesterone, aspirin, heparin, lots of scans.
The weeks went on, and it was so hard to not go mental - I had some spotting around 6-7 weeks, and a small bleed, at which point I thought it's all over again. But they saw a heartbeat at the 8-week scan, and the bean was measuring right according to my LMP.
The weeks went on, and it was all looking really well. I had lots of symptoms, awful ms etc., and I slowly and cautiously started to believe that this might actually happen. Got the maternity clothes out of the loft, discussed birth options with the consultant and started making plans about mat leave. Great 12-week scan, everything looking really good.
Then my blood results came back, giving me a high risk for Down's Syndrome (nuchal measurements all good, but very low Papp-A). I tried the Harmony test twice because I wanted to avoid an invasive procedure, but it failed, so we decided to have an amniocentesis.
I was so confident that the outcome would be good that I was not overly worried when the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat at my 16 week check (she assured me she had heard movements). Then went in last Monday for the amnio, but they never got round to it - there was no heartbeat anymore. They think the baby died around 2 weeks ago. I had the medical management on Thursday, I would have been 17 weeks.

And now I am trying to come to terms that there will be no baby in October. I will not be going on mat leave. I will not get to wear my mat clothes. We will not get to make any announcements that we had been holding off for so long. My little bump has disappeared, leaving just a flab that I now have to loose again.
I thought I was safe. I thought I had passed all the milestones with flying colours, leaving the awful first trimester behind. I thought that finally, I could start enjoying the pregnancy, and so did DH.
Yet again, I am left with nothing, all the plans just crumbled when the consultant scanned me, and there was no heartbeat.
It sounds childish, but I feel really cheated. Physically, I am fine, it was all straightforward, no complications. I know the ropes, I know it will get better - but all I want to do is to wail 'It's not fair, it was all going so well!' Right now, I can't find the strength or even motivation to believe that I will be able to climb out of this hole.

BadRoly Tue 06-May-14 12:26:06

I'm so sorry you've lost your baby x

EmpireBiscuit Tue 06-May-14 12:27:02

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts.

NationMcKinley Tue 06-May-14 12:29:35

You don't sound even remotely childish. I am so so sorry to hear your sad news. It's so unfair. I wish I had some wise words of comfort but I don't sad. Sending you a hug and a hand to hold flowers xxx

MrsWolowitz Tue 06-May-14 12:30:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitchPeas Tue 06-May-14 12:36:37

So sorry for your loss sad

You don't sound childish. This is a place you can let it all out to people who understand thanks

I had a foot stamping, sobbing, it's not fair!!! Tantrum. Made me feel so much better. Because it's not fair, it's horrible.

Be kind to yourself.

InOtherNews Tue 06-May-14 12:37:24

So sorry JBrd. I know there's pretty much nothing I can say, but we went through something very similar and I too felt very cheated - it feels like you've done everything that was asked of you somehow, by getting to the second trimester, to then have it cruelly taken away.

I don't know if this will be of any use to you, but I found the thought of taking one hour at a time, one day at a time easier to bear and cope. I also found it comforting to think that there was probably something wrong and I wouldn't want him to experience pain or suffering. I also kept very quiet about it for a long time and I wished I hadn't - obviously this is a very personal choice but I found when I did tell people they were very understanding and I gradually came to realise that we weren't alone in it. You're not either. Please feel free to pm me if you are struggling and if you think it might help. Being on here can be a great source of help. Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

somedizzywhore1804 Tue 06-May-14 12:38:19

So sorry OPthanks

mismylinford Tue 06-May-14 12:41:45

So sorry x

LastOneDancing Tue 06-May-14 12:45:51

Oh JBrd I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you are feeling.

We are all here for you anytime if you want to talk x

SweepTheHalls Tue 06-May-14 12:47:46

You have every right to say it's not fair because it isn't. I am so sorry for your loss xx

allisgood1 Tue 06-May-14 12:51:38

JBrd I am so sorry. I think I was on some of the few pregnancy after mc threads. I have never had a second trimester loss, but I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Take care of yourself xxx

Pixielady83 Tue 06-May-14 12:53:25

jbrd I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. I have no words of wisdom but please don't feel childish, feeling cheated is entirely appropriate (any emotion is appropriate in this terrible situation). It is very very unfair. I think the advice to take one hour at a time is good. I will be thinking of you and your family xxx

RabidFairy Tue 06-May-14 13:01:24

I'm so sorry OP.
FWIW it sounds perfectly normal to feel cheated; I felt the same with both of my earlier miscarriages. You have to adjust your calender and everything that would have happened, the milestones, the due date. Everything changes. Feeling cheated is completely understandable.

You go ahead and wail that its not fair. It isn't fair. You feel all the things you need to feel, don't worry about anything else right now. What you feel is totally justified.

SeaSaltMill Tue 06-May-14 13:29:37

I'm so sorry. A friend of mine went through the same and she also felt cheated, so I think that's normal. In fact, that's normal in any miscarriage.

Please look after yourself. Wail if you need to. So sorry for your loss. x

WibWoo Tue 06-May-14 13:33:32

It sounds utterly heartbreaking and I am so sorry you are going through it. I have struggled through one earlier loss with oodles of 'its not fair' moments and deep sadness and think its important you allow yourself to feel whatever you want without judgement. You deserve only compassion and warm hugs. I hope you're getting some in RL as well as here. Xx

sebsmummy1 Tue 06-May-14 17:34:53

I was so devastated to hear your news JBrd. I know it is of little comfort to you at this time but I really cried for you. It's so fucking unfair and I hate how it's treated so matter of fact by the medical profession.

I have had an early loss and am just trying to get to the end of my second early loss/extended chemical. I am so disappointed and frustrated and yet feel somehow fortunate that if they were to end, they ended early and saved me the heart ache of getting more attached.

I don't think anything can help right now as you are saturated by grief and I suspect, anger. Time will lessen the pain however, you just have to plough through the days until you find some peace of mind.

Please feel like you can talk about it here. I and many others are always around to lend an ear xxx

Verity87 Tue 06-May-14 17:40:28

I am so sorry you lost your baby. Your feelings are entirely reasonable xx

Catlover2014 Tue 06-May-14 22:11:05

So sorry for loss. Can't imagine how difficult this time must be. Thinking of you xxx

GerbilsAteMyCat Tue 06-May-14 22:18:40

I am so sorry. Mc takes all the innocence put of pregnancy. Take it easy on yourself and your DH.

Greyhound Wed 07-May-14 03:28:11

That's just awful. So very sorry.

Swex Wed 07-May-14 03:50:52

I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss x

Amy106 Wed 07-May-14 04:04:26

So sorry to hear about your loss. thanks

MabelMay Wed 07-May-14 04:40:30

Hi Jbrd - I'm so sorry to see you on these threads. You were so supportive to me back on the posifrickentivity board - and your positivity was contagious, so I was truly shocked and saddened by your news. You're not being remotely childish. It IS desperately unfair - all those hopes and the plans you start making in your head. The statistics were all in your favour, so you are right to feel this way. I hope you have lots of support around you - and I hope you allow yourself plenty of space to process what has happened and to go through all those horrible stages of grief.
It must feel right now that there is nowhere for you to go to improve the way you are feeling.
Was the hospital planning to investigate what happened, to look at your baby and see if there were any abnormalities that might have caused this? Might answers like this help you deal with what has happened.
We miss you on the Posi. board - and everyone there has been thinking of you.
Take care. It's just horrible. thanks

AveryJessup Wed 07-May-14 05:48:06

So sorry to hear about your loss thanks. You have every right to feel cheated and rage about the unfairness of it all. It is unfair. The first couple of weeks after my MMC were really dark, one of the darkest times in my life, so I can't even imagine the pain of going through that three times and now a fourth time, just when you felt you had passed the big hurdle of the 12 weeks scan.

Stay on here for support. MN was really helpful to me when I had my MMC. You will find a way out of the hole but it just takes time and a lot of support. I hope that this recent loss leads to you getting more medical tests and help if there is a specific medical problem that your doctors can address to give you the best chance next time you get pregnant.

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