telling siblings(10 Posts)
we have a daughter who is almost six, and we've lost two babies since she was born one 5 yrs ago & another almost 4 wks ago. DD didn't know I was pregnant ( I was almost6 wks pregnant when I lost the 2nd ) obviously we're not planning in telling her yet about the losses but want her to know eventually. I just wondered if any of you told your child/children that you miscarried & if so how old was they. xx
Slightly different but we told my DSCs after the first time because we thought things were ok and only found out about the MMC at 13 weeks. We'd already told everyone we were expecting. That was really hard.
They were 9 and 12 at the time. We haven't told them about the others as they were both early and I didn't want them to be upset.
DH has suggested telling them about them, as they're nearly 11 and 14 now but I'm not sure. I think we might say something when/if we are lucky enough to have a baby. I don't know what it will achieve telling them now.
I think about this a bit as i had a few mc before ds and i would love him to have siblings but I doubt it will ever happen now due to age and the years we tried with mc. I don't want him to think he is an only child through choice if ever he is lonely being an only child. However that is balanced by the experiences of a few friends who even now in their 40's talk about siblings that they never had. One dear friend blames himself for being an only child as he believes his dm could not carry again due to the fact he was a big baby! or another friend who worries about carrying a genetic disease.
My dp didn't know his dm had a mc until she told me about them discussing mine.
However i think its a conversation for a mature teenager not a child. Also mc are horribly common and i wish i had known more about them before i experienced them.
I had 3 mcs before I had ds, and we decided not to try again. He's asked why he doesn't have siblings, and I've explained that mummys tummy wasn't very good at growing babies. I guess he'd have been about 5 when it first came up, partly as his friends cousin died at birth and he had wanted to talk about why that happened
My mum had 3 mcs after me. I have to say, that knowledge did affect me and my attitude to having children into my adult life. To me, ttc = heartache and pain. It took me a long while to move past that. I also blamed myself. I remember (perhaps incorrectly) my mother being told that they did not know why she couldn't carry any more children but perhaps something had gone wrong at my birth.
I'm not saying hold back, but tread carefully.
I had a late MMC last year at 18 weeks and we told the DS' s (3&4) as they knew about the baby.
They dealt with it amazingly and still talk about the baby. We just told them that the baby got sick and had to go to Heaven and is watching over them.
We kept it very age appropriate but it helped them to know why mummy was so sad for a while
I told dc that baby didn't grow properly, like a flower.
She cried and told me I could try again.
Dc2 is now fast asleep in his cot, pg was stressful due to worry, but am glad I tried again.
We had told our ds that I was expecting as we were at @12weeks, only to have a scan that showed development had stopped much earlier. My dh explained it as like a seed that hasn't grown properly, and our ds was sad but did understand enough. I also advised his class teacher and schl club staff about our loss in case he decided to ask questions there, so that he had as much support as possible should he need it; we encourage him to ask questions and be open.
He does occasionally ask when will there be another baby and we have said we will tell him when there is. That said I feel that it would be later in the pregnancy should I be expecting again as I mc'd @ 5weeks ago. My ds is 5 (& 3/4 which is very important to him) and although we encourage openess in our family home I don't want him exposed to unnecessary heartache too often so early in his life to instill fear in him. He wants a sibling so much and I don't want to feel that I am repeatedly letting him down should this happen again.
Sadly at his school a teacher had recently gone on maternity leave only to lose her baby before it was born, and the school handled this very well by holding an assembly and discussing loss. Our ds was able to identify with what was discussed due to our loss and his great grandad passing away last year. Some understanding of loss is good, and our ds understands how it makes you feel sad but that sometimes it does happen.
Children know and see so much more than we realise. A certain amount of openess keeps bonds strong, and you will know if it necessary to explain things of this nature. Also we felt it was important to get an idea of how much our ds knew before embarking on discussions with him.
Good luck to you, kindest regards.
My DH is very open and told his eldest 2 dcs about my late mc even though they hadn't known I was pregnant. They were 7 and 4 at the time. Consequently our dd who was 1 at the time has always known about the baby . I think this has affected her badly as I suffered from depression for a few years afterwards. She thought I loved/wanted the baby is lost more than her and often refers to him (it was late mc after amino as my waters broke an hour after). This is such a dreadful burden for her and completely not true. My greatest sadness is that i wasn't able to give her a sibling as I was 42 when I mc. I wish that DH hadn't insisted on telling kids. I am really private and hadn't told many people at that stage. I've had a mc before dd too.
And I am so sorry for you
I had a MC when my eldest was 2.5 and then 3MC more recently when my kids were 3 and 7. We've chosen not to tell them since they were all at 8-10 weeks before we'd said anything about the pregnancy. It's difficult either way as our eldest has been very aware that Mummy has been sad (and had lots of hospital visits both at the time and in current pregnancy) without really understanding why. We didn't tell them I was pregnant this time until after 20 week scan.
This baby is a girl, I think I will probably think about telling her (and the boys) as a teenager in case the condition I've been diagnosed with affects her too (unclear if it's something I might pass on) as I would hate for her to go through multiple losses and not be proactive about being tested and treated.
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