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PIL'S After miscarrriage

(11 Posts)
MrsChocolateCupcake Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:24

Bit of background for you first,
MIL before we got married when ever drunk (Quite a lot of the time) on my visits (We live in Dorset PIL's live in london, hubby works in london too) would always say too me that once we are married we shouldn't rush into having babies and we 'must wait' etc etc, This use to really get on my nerves, as her other 2 children are both unmarried and have children so no idea why we had to wait!..
Anyways as it happens I fell pregnant pretty soon after the wedding, not planned as such we were trying but I have PCOS and had been having unprotected sex for 3 years so honestly believed we would be going down the IVF route, I found some Vitamin B6 tablets and began taking them and within a few month's I was pregnant with J (Lost at 19 weeks) She was over the moon when we told her and even went out and brought baby grows pretty much straight away.

So here is the bit that's bothering me :
Since we lost J I have really seen them in a new light, They did come and attend his cremation, but not once has his mum sent me a message on FB asking how we are, I know she does when she occasionally phone's my H.. H had a few weeks off work understandably they were fantastic told him to take as much time as he needs and only come back when he's ready and they will sort it all out when he came back, so he took over a month off, It was more for me to be honest, he was my rock, but in the last 2 weeks of the leave his dad and mum would constantly bother him about when he's going back to work. My H is a prison officer and I was so worried he would go back to soon and a prisoner would do something and he would loose it as such..
I don't know if it's just because I have such supportive parents and mine were absolutely devastated for us, My dad even tho he's retired still helps out at work and even he had to take time off from work.
My mum phone's me daily too check how I am doing, If I need to talk or anything, how my H is etc etc, His parents don't seem too offer him any support at all.
(My parents live in Cornwall so can only really phone etc)

I don't need answers as such but feels so much better for writing it all down!
Thanks for letting me rant!

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Wed 29-Jan-14 19:57:07

Didn't want to read and run, but not really sure what to say other than feel free to vent any time, and look after yourselves xxx


MrsChocolateCupcake Wed 29-Jan-14 20:28:52

Thank you smile Think I just needed to write it all down haha!

SookyLaLa Fri 31-Jan-14 11:43:16

i think some people are just of the 'that's life, carry on' type and so I guess they thought a month off for your DH might be too long? Although it is none of their business really just as your mum is phoning you everyday, his parents will be in contact with him and be looking out for him.

When I had my DD I was so surprised in the change in my MIL, before that I had really liked her and got along well, but she doesn't even say hello to me when she sees me (and we live in another country)! It's all about DD/DH. Such is life hey!

duvetheaven Fri 31-Jan-14 12:15:31

Sorry for your losses Mrs CC. I think what you are explaining is the different parenting types between yourself and your husband. it sounds like you have lovely supportive parents. I have a very 'distant' mother in all manners of the word. I have experienced a number of MC's but she never knows until a couple of years later. As I have become older have realised how nice it would be to have a mother who was interested. It sounds like that's just the way your DH's parents are and not much can change them. Sounds like you have lovely parents smile.

MrsChocolateCupcake Fri 31-Jan-14 12:35:13

Thanks ladies.Yes I am sure it's just different parenting styles and I am very lucky and have the most amazing parent's ever, and I guess it's just the way they are!

Maybe the month off was too long, But I was just worried for my husband he's in a highly stressful job, and knowing what prisoners are like I guess i was cautious with him.

Ah well I feel much better for writing it all done smile!

Thanks Ladies!

duvetheaven Fri 31-Jan-14 12:40:27

I think a month off for DH is fine as it can be long shifts in the prison too .
Always great support on her ! Good luck MrsCC smile

duvetheaven Fri 31-Jan-14 12:40:38

here not her!

JuliaScurr Fri 31-Jan-14 13:00:07

no, a month isn't too long. 2 of my aunts, 1 cousin and 2 friends have suffered miscarriage and the male partners were all devastated. 1 of my uncles got no support at all - typically for men 50 yrs ago. The multiple miscarriages affected him deeply, but he was forced to bottle it up. Of course, years later...inevitable breakdown

SookyLaLa Fri 31-Jan-14 13:25:55

It's not really for us (or your DH parents) to say if a month is too long or not, that is completely up to you both. If he felt that he needed that time and was able to take it off then definitely he should.

And I do agree with Julia that men don't get the support sometimes the way we do and they're just expected to deal with it.

miserywaterfall Sat 01-Feb-14 16:29:31

I can relate to this entirely too. My DH's parents haven't even phoned once to ask how he is, or how I got on after my surgery or anything. To be fair, I don't expect much care for me personally, it's clear they don't like me. Infact, his mother even said before we told her we were expecting : 'Please let me die before I become a grandmother' so there really is no hope for them. But they might ask and see how their son is doing, even if it's fake concern, you know?

Feel free to rant away here, PILs can be infuriating. We're lucky our own parents are so caring <3

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