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How people treat you after a miscarriage

(25 Posts)
Millysdream Tue 21-Jan-14 08:30:01

Hi all. I am new to this. I am 31, had 3 miscarriages last year and am currently 7 weeks pregnant. I have found this time in my life very hard. I am anxious and stressed out but having counselling now. So many people have said and done things to upset me (not on purpose) but I just wanted to us to share experiences.
Mum- most people wouldn't know they were pregnant before 12 weeks so it's nothing for you to worry about.
A work friend (who was pregnant at the time and already had a young child)- I had a miscarriage but it didn't upset me. Why are you getting so upset?
Friend- least you know you can get pregnant
Friend- it's not like a baby has died is it?
Work friend (talking about pregnant colleague) she has it so tough. She is teaching full time has a young child and is pregnant. If you ever have children you will understand how hard it is.
Friend- I probably won't ever have children either as not met anyone yet!
Another pregnant work friend- we find having babies so easy. It's a shame for you.
All these people knew that I have had 3 miscarriages.
On the plus side- some people have been brilliant and I now know who are the right people to support me during this difficult time.

Trooperslane Tue 21-Jan-14 08:37:05

All of which is why I never told until it was a) getting obvious and b) I'd had a couple of scans.

Good luck op xthanks

TinyTear Tue 21-Jan-14 08:40:08

I hear you. some people are just so insensitive.
I had 3 mc, then was lucky and had 1 DD and then 1 more mc...

I hope the counselling will help you and this will be the one... I didn't enjoy my pregnancy until 20 weeks... So I know where you are coming from...

I only had counselling after my 4th mc, and wonder if I should have done it sooner

Millysdream Tue 21-Jan-14 08:45:52

I only told people after 3 miscarriages as it was getting impossible to hide time off work etc. my hubby talked me into telling work colleagues because he thought they would be more sensitive if they knew.hmmm Only told my sister and best friend about this pregnancy as will need support from them if anything goes wrong again. My boss also knows as been off a lot for counselling, blood tests and an early scan. Have an appointment on Monday at st Mary's manchester at the recurrent miscarriage clinic so will see what happens then.
Forgot to add to first post- some work people haven't spoken to me since they found out about miscarriages. They even avoid eye contact. I guess they don't know how to act

Chocotrekkie Tue 21-Jan-14 08:53:16

Some people are just really insensitive but most just don't know what to say. There are a lot of threads on here along the lines of I have completely said the wrong thing to xx - should I apologise or will I make it worse.

I know I have said things to people that probably didn't come out as I meant it.

My mum on the other hand thought about it for a bit and then said "oh we didn't know you were pregnant so it isn't a big deal for us".

Hope everything goes well for you.

Millysdream Tue 21-Jan-14 08:59:46

Thanks for your support. I am much more conscious about what I say to people now. In the past I have made baby comments to newly weds etc and I guess I didn't know their circumstances. Fingers crossed that this is my time xxx

TinyTear Tue 21-Jan-14 09:01:08

i didn't tell work officially (other than my lovely boss) but did a run last year where i fundraised for the miscarriage association and sent my team the link, so they found out indirectly....

only told my mum after having my DD so i di understand secrecy.,.. i used to close myself down

bakingtins Tue 21-Jan-14 12:21:14

I should think most of us have a list of insensitive things said to us by people who are either trying to find the positives in a shit situation (have learnt through all of this never to say "at least x" about anything) or who actually have the emotional intelligence of a half-brick.
I hope the counselling is helpful. Do come and join the recurrent miscarriage thread if you would like some company, several women on there in the early days of pregnancy after recurrent loss who can keep you company. Best of luck with the current pregnancy.

fatfingers Tue 21-Jan-14 12:34:26

I had 1 extremely prem birth (23 wks) and 1 mc at 16 wks and was really hurt with the reaction of some friends on both occasions, namely staying away from me and not mentioning it at all when I saw them. I also had comments from a friend that perhaps my body is just not cut out for pregnancy. Luckily my family were great, must be very hard to have stupid comments made by your own mum.

I am currently pg and honestly don't know how I survived the first 16 wks especially - the anxiety was unbearable at times so I feel for you. I found the recurrent mc clinic fantastic support this time so I hope you find the same.

SignoraStronza Tue 21-Jan-14 12:35:06

My mother: "I thought you wanted to lose weight before you had another one anyway." and "Are you sure you want another one - you don't have room, do you?" (Three in a three bed isn't that bad is it?)

Am coming up six weeks with this pg. Dh and I have agreed until either they've noticed a bump (we live a very long way away) or I've actually had the baby, we won't be bothering to tell my parents.

SignoraStronza Tue 21-Jan-14 12:36:41

Message deleted by MNHQ as it was a duplicate post.

mrsnec Tue 21-Jan-14 12:39:58

It baffles me that some people don't know how to treat someone who has suffered such a loss. To me its simple, I got all sorts of reactions as listed by the others and all I wanted was for them to say 'I can't imagine what you are going through but I 'm here if you need me' that's not difficult is it? out of all my friends and family only 2 people said that! Op I wish you all the very best too.

Millysdream Tue 21-Jan-14 18:25:34

Thanks everyone. Luckily hubby is great and puts up with a lot from me and my best friend is very supportive. Will join other thread on recurrent miscarriage- thanks baking tins. Wishing you all lots of love and luck in current or future pregnancies. Hopefully some good will come out if all of this- I will be more appreciative of the simple things and be more sensitive to others x

livingzuid Wed 22-Jan-14 22:45:09

Oh many people have no clue. It's natures way was one. If I heard that again I was going to lamp someone. My mum was the worst upon being told of pg said not to get hopes up because you will miscarry and then when I did a said how glad she was to have warned me confused not helpful!

DoctorDonnaNoble Thu 23-Jan-14 06:03:13

I've only had one MC, in December and it's really taken a month to hit me and I'm finding everything difficult. I'm getting upset by people not accepting how I feel about it. Telling me I'm silly to feel like a failure, so I'm silly AND a failure, great. All I need is, I'm sorry you feel like that and a hug.
It's hard though as you have insensitive types and then friends who want to fix you when all you want is support. Colleague who has also had MCs gives me an occasional 'you alright', if I say no she doesn't push it further but brings me a cup of tea. I like that.

Millysdream Thu 23-Jan-14 06:47:36

I prefer messages like - thinking of you, instead of how are you feeling today? One pregnant 'friend' has ignored me since I told her. She announced her pregnancy so I felt I should tell her that I had just had my third miscarriage so am a bit sensitive about it. Explained I was happy for her but probably wasn't ready to get into baby talk quite yet. She said she understood. What she meant was that she was going to ignore me at work- except to say hi. And sit next to anyone in the staff room who would talk babies with her instead. She has now left to go on maternity leave and to be honest it is a lot easier for me at work. Not sure our friendship will recover from this x

mrsnec Thu 23-Jan-14 06:47:41

Yes Doctor. The friends who just bring you tea and don't push it are the ones who've get it right sometimes but sometimes you need more too. My best friend carried on talking about herself as she felt I needed the distraction. When I Pulled her up on it she said ' oh, I 'm sorry if you think i'm being insensitive' she also said if I Wanted support I Should ask for it. That was 3 months ago. Things haven't been right with us since and I'm still not over it. We told everyone early even before scans as I Had very bad ms and couldnt hide my symptoms I thought it would be fine but a relative did say it seves us right for telling everyone so soon. I was about 7 weeks when we told everyone and mc at 13. If I am lucky enough to get pg again I will be hiding it as long as possible.

DoctorDonnaNoble Thu 23-Jan-14 07:08:20

A colleague is on paternity leave at the moment. I'm glad he's off now as was getting to the point where I wanted to punch him. He and his partner smoke like chimneys and it just doesn't seem fair.
A couple of good friends of ours are due in May. I'm happy for them (and jealous) but just know I'll find it easier if I'm pregnant again!

Hessy Thu 23-Jan-14 20:44:01

Just to add my mum's woeful response to my first mc was to tell me to tell work the pregnancy wasn't planned so as to not jeopardise my chances of promotion (hadn't even been thinking of that as I returned from hospital, thanks Mum). And then a couple of days later asked if 'it'd all fallen out of me yet? Er, my much wanted, much loved baby - no, not yet, still 'falling' thanks mum. Bizarre.

But what hurt the most was the people who knew but didn't get in touch again after being told. It was such a lonely time.

I decided not to tell people about my ectopic pregnancy a few months later. I realised it would be so rare for someone to reply with the response I wanted. Probably unfair of me to expect a certain type of response when they hadn't been through it themselves.

The wise women on this forum always knew what to say so I didn't seek it out from my friends and family smile

Millysdream Thu 23-Jan-14 20:49:41

Think it is natural to be jealous of others especially those who have babies so easily and are not always doing the right thing! I know it is only a matter if time before close friends of ours announce a pregnancy as we know of 6 couples that are actively trying 5 for a year! Unfortunately for us I am the only one to get pregnant so far but resulting in 3 miscarriages. We are all doing the right things- non smokers, give up drinking etc. we all would be good parents. Can't believe this. I didn't realise how hard it would be x

Millysdream Thu 23-Jan-14 20:52:53

Ps- don't feel so alone with all this now after joining this site. Sometimes you think you are the only one going through this and why me!

mrsnec Thu 23-Jan-14 21:02:11

My problem was that I thought if I told everyone early that I'd have more support if it all went wrong. It did and they weren't.

Also I am insanely jealous of other people. There were 4 girls pg at the same time as me in my family and there is a big family fo soon for my dsf's 70th birthday. Around the time I was due with all the babies there and I Can't bring myself to go. But none of them have spoken to me since as im so delicate they dont know what to say.

I suppose if I was to have a healthy pg I would be expecting them all to make a fuss

livingzuid Thu 23-Jan-14 21:52:21

When I went back to work after mc I sat there and agonised over who was going to be pregnant next. The sight of a hint of a bump sent me into meltdown. Anyone who announced on Fb made me feel like a kick in the stomach. It took me months to get over it. Even though I was happy for people I wasn't able to be around it much. It's a natural reaction particularly when all those around you seem to reproduce at a rate of knots and you are left sitting there thinking why is it so hard for us?

You will recover in your own time emotionally. It takes a huge amount out of you. Don't vest yourself up about it too much thanks

livingzuid Thu 23-Jan-14 21:53:22

Vest yourself?! Worry about that reaction even!

LavenderFox Thu 23-Jan-14 22:32:14

I keep getting the endless stuff about trying again etc but that is better than people avoiding the topic completely.

What really gets to me is people with children whingeing about how hard everything is - I would love to be in their shoes but who knows whether I will get the chance. Somebody said how much they love their kids despite the tiredness and worry and physical effects which I appreciated, at least they recognise what an achievement it is to be there.

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