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advice needed for supporting friend through mc

(10 Posts)
qazxc Fri 17-Jan-14 19:55:49

Friend has been told that her pg is unlikely to be viable. I see her most days (we work together), and I am pg (we were/are a week apart). I just need advice on how to support her.
I know from experience that it is not easy seeing other women being pregnant/having babies when you have had a miscarriage (I have had three); and with us being so close in our dates and seeing each other most days it will undoubtably be hard on her. Should I try not to talk about all things baby/pg related around her or will this make things more awkward? Does anyone have any advice on how to support her?

jnl0612 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:11:16

Depends how she initially handles it, my friend was due on the same day as me (mmc at 16 weeks) I had to take her off Facebook, I literally was the worst friend, I could barely speak to her or any other pregnant person.
Just tell her that you are there for her and play it by ear, if she's struggling I'd keep all baby related things and conversation away from her and don't be offended if she keeps her distance

zebrapig Fri 17-Jan-14 22:56:23

I'd just play it by ear. I had similar with my best friend, we were due 10 days apart when I found out at 12 weeks that I'd had MMC. It was hard for both of us, but we struggled on through. She came to see me just after the op and bought me a load of biscuits and chocolate. I was so grateful she didn't just avoid me. Her DD is 10 weeks now and for me it's been easier since she was born, the hardest bit was meeting her for the first time in hospital as I kept thinking that it should have been me.I found it harder when she asked me if I was ok in a particular situation, as I could cope if I tried not to think about....but I also appreciated that she was also trying to think about how I was feeling. Now I love the baby cuddles and just keep reminding myself of all the things which I get to enjoy which she is missing out on. At the end of the day it's not her baby which I want but my own.

bakingtins Sat 18-Jan-14 07:08:51

quazc I think the fact you've had losses will allow you to understand how she's feeling. I'd acknowledge that you understand she's going to find it tough and that she can take the lead on what she can deal with. Don't take it personally if she needs to cool the friendship for a while. One of my staunchest supporters during my first MC was a few weeks behind me, I still get a bit of a pang looking at her 4yr old DD now, but we are still firm friends because she was always sensitive to my feelings, having been through 2mc herself.
And congratulations!

HomeHypno Sun 19-Jan-14 09:36:24

I hated it when people were tip-toeing around me and avoiding pregnancy talk which is pretty hard when we all work in the field of babies and pregnancy and birth etc. Yes it did remind me of my loss but people avoiding me was even worse. In the end of the day, other people's happiness doesn't take away from mine. I did still enjoy cuddling babies.

My preferred approach was always for people to be direct and blunt. I felt very vulnerable at times and hated people having a strong emotional reaction to when I was upset, it felt better when they acknowledged my sadness and were strong and supportive.

Miscarriage is hideously painful so very little of the recovery is down to other people doing something or not doing something. I think your friends appreciates you have been through the same, and that you are not deliberately due the same time just to annoy her so be yourself, a good friend and let her talk about the stuff she can't always discuss with her family or even her partner.

ruth1104 Tue 04-Feb-14 11:01:15

qazxc you sound like a lovely friend. Speaking personally, the friends who had babies who I expected to want to avoid were the most supportive and the ones who'd had mc were the ones who said 'just treat it like your body's practice run' (NOT supportive). So I guess appreciating that your experiences of loss might feel different.

Ask what you can do for her, if there's things she needs help with and apart from that just be open to talk about anything. I appreciated someone to distract me from bursting into tears at every opportunity; don't think I would have wanted to talk about your pregnancy but that's up to her.

sebsmummy1 Tue 04-Feb-14 11:07:22

I am miscarrying at the moment and right now I am avoiding pregnancy and BFP news. I don't feel hysterical, I am just trying to be kind to myself.

I think she has a long road ahead of her as her mc is in the cards but hasn't yet happened. I think once she gets the other side of it and can start TTC again she might be able to cope better. If I had a best friend who was still pregnant right now while I was losing a pregnancy I would probably want them either to leave me alone for a bit so I could acclimatise and then try to keep happy pregnancy babble to a minimum until I felt stronger.

Something like a card or message saying that you are devastated for her, love her and will be there for her every step of the way. But then let her come to you, don't badger her with texts etc.

sebsmummy1 Tue 04-Feb-14 11:11:53

Oh god and also avoiding making overt spiritual comments or falling over yourself to try and find a word to describe a bundle of cells (in my case as I'm early) that isn't 'baby' and get yourself tied in knots.

I don't need to be told I have an angel looking over me or that I should plant a bloody tree. I will deal with my grief in my own way. I also don't need to be told over and over that this isn't a baby. I will decide how I view my failed pregnancy. [rant lol]

miserywaterfall Tue 04-Feb-14 14:28:03

I agree with sebsmummy Let her come to you when she's ready. I just had a mmc and my best friend is 7 months pregnant. Looking at her I just feel a sadness that I'll never get to that stage with my lost baby and the last thing I want to talk about is babies. I'm sure that will change, but with your friend I'd say avoid baby talk until she brings it up.


Sal1977 Tue 04-Feb-14 22:02:24

Never moan about how sick/tired etc you feel in front of her. I'm 18months and 3 MC down the TTC road and I still can't bear it when people moan about their pregnancy!!

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