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Don't know where to go from here...

(7 Posts)
nldm1 Sun 29-Dec-13 20:20:49

DH and I have two children; a boy (5) and a girl (4). Both were conceived our first month trying and were textbook pregnancies and births.
We started ttc no.3 in july 2010 with no sucess until the beginning of Jan 2013, just as we'd started fertility testing. We lost our beautiful baby in March to a mmc.
We started ttc again in June 2013, though after getting DH SA back and finding out that he had 99%abnormal swimmers (possibly due to a varicocele he has had since before we got together), we assumed that it just wasn't going to happen for us.
We actually got pregnant again in September 2013, but found out at a scan at the beginning of December that we had suffered another mmc.
Now, we don't know what to do. Whether to try again, get DH's varicocele fixed and then try again, or just to accept that we have been very blessed with our son and daughter and perhaps we're not meant to have 3 children...
After our first loss we felt like it was shitty luck. One of those really bad, but not completely uncommon things. But since our most recent loss, I think we both feel like something must really be wrong.
We don't want to put our little family through any more heartache, but are finding it difficult to let our hopes and dreams go.
Please, does anyone have any advice?

Jinty64 Sun 29-Dec-13 22:48:36

I don't really have any advice as only you can decide whether to continue or not. I too conceived straight away with ds's 1 & 2 and we decided, as we both had to work and money was tight, that we could not afford my much longed for third child. However when ds2 started school desperation got the better of me and we decided to try for a third.

Once again I got pregnant very quickly and an early scan (due to abdo pain) showed we were expecting twins. A scan two weeks later showed that only one one twin still had a heartbeat but two after that all appeared to be well with that baby and at 12 weeks I thought we were home and dry. A week later I had a mc. Dh wanted to leave it at that but I couldn't and 3 months later was pregnant again. This time I mc'd at 7 weeks.

We started trying again but, although I new exactly when I was ovulating, nothing happened. I was now 40 and with each passing month felt time was running out. 15 months later I was offered a really good new job and decided to take it and move on. I hadn't even started when I discovered I was pregnant. I took the job, told no one (except dh) and planned whether I would tell them the truth or not when I mc'd. When I got to 30 weeks I thought I had better let work know as i needed to tell the children and ds3 arrived safely. He is my miracle.

I'm sorry for your losses and wish you well.

Lottystar Mon 30-Dec-13 01:14:22

Op, I'm so sorry for your losses. Miscarriage is so hard and painful so I can utterly empathise with your fear of not to go on despite the desire to have another child. I'm in a slightly similar situation - I have two ds (aged 3 & 2) and last year dh and I decided we would like one more baby. I'm in my mid 30s. I conceived with my first two very easily but since the birth of my second son Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) has kicked in and I've had to go on clomid to preempt ovulation. I got pregnant in September and sadly had a mc at 7 weeks. It was absolutely heartbreaking. We are ttc again but I'm so frightened it will happen again. Thing is, I just know I want another baby and I guess you hope that next time the wee bean may stick. Only you and your dh can decide what's right for your family. What has helped us is that I've given us a cut off date for trying. I'll go another year with all this fertility stuff and then I'll accept the blessing of my two boys (who I'm so lucky to have) and know that I gave it a shot at a third but fate had other ideas. All the best to you xx

nldm1 Mon 30-Dec-13 16:40:49

Thank you for your responses ladies.
I think part of why it's so difficult to see where to go.from here is because this most recent loss was traumatic physically as well as emotionally.
I had the erpc on 2nd Dec and got a post op infection. I lost my apatite and couldn't sleep, possibly due in part to the antibiotics as I'd never had to take them.before inmy life up to this point. Then two and a half week after the op, the hospital rang up and said from the tests the did on what they took from me, the erpc hadn't worked. I had to go back for a scan on Christmas eve and was told they would perform the op again under local anaesthtic if they needed to.
Anyway, we left our children with friends on Christmas eve only to get to hospital and find out that they had tested the wrong part of what they took from me and the erpc was a sucess after all.
Because of my battered immune system, I'm now battling tonsilitis, sinusitis and conjunctivitis. Feeling like if I were a horse, they would have shot me weeks ago...
I'm hoping that we find some clarity once I recover physically. It's just so hard...
Jinty64, congratulations on your miracle, so lovely to hear of a good outcome x
Lottystar, I wish you all the best in ttc no. 3 xx
Fingers crossed that we figure our way like you both have xx

Lottystar Mon 30-Dec-13 18:32:43

Thanks op, all the best to you too x

bakingtins Thu 02-Jan-14 19:28:36

Hi nldm I'm v sorry for your losses. I think a second loss is particularly hard to take, hard to accept the "bad luck" line a second time, but nobody takes it seriously in terms of recurrent miscarriage testing. We had 2 children and I've had 4 MC, had all the standard testing after 3, nothing found so tried again, had MC 4 then pursued immune testing and got a diagnosis, now 18 weeks pregnant after treatment. As I'm sure you can imagine we've been round and round discussions about whether to try again and how far to take testing. There is no end to the things you could do in pursuit of a third child, only you can decide if it's right for your family.
A few things that spring to mind about your situation; firstly that it is all still very raw and recent and I think you need some time to come to terms with the loss, feel better physically and consider your options. Secondly, can you get more information about your husband's condition and how likely it is that it is affecting your problems TTC or the quality of the embryos? If he had it before you got together is it relevant or is it a red herring? Thirdly, if any testing was done on products from the ERPC what did they test for? If it's possible to get cytogenetic testing done (looking at embryo chromosomes) that's really helpful. We didn't get that until MC4 when it showed I was losing perfect embryos, which prompted us to do the further tests. If you knew it was a chromosome problem it might be possible to establish if that is linked to the abnormal sperm or a random thing.
I think what lotty said about setting some limits is helpful though we've had several 'last tries' We agreed we'd give up when I hit 40 and that we had a financial limit on private investigations.

nldm1 Fri 17-Jan-14 09:45:09

Hi bakingtins. I am so sorry to hear of your losses x
Thank you for your response. I think that your right in that it is all still very raw. I do have days where I think "we want this and we're strong, we're not quitters, we can do this!". But I also think you're very right in that we need to find out more about just how DH's varicocele is effecting our babies as well as how it has effected our conception times.
I know that when we conceived our two children, he was surfing in cold water every other day and I can't help but think that as this is the only major thing that has changed (other than our age) that the varicocele is heating things up and having more of an effect than perhaps we realise.
It feels good, though scary, to find a bit of hope!
I am so pleased to hear that your issues have been addressed and are being treated and that you are carrying your rainbow! What fantastic news!
I think that we're going to badger the docs for more info about the varicocele and get a date for the procedure for DH. He's been on a waiting list since last September, but as we had DS at 25 and DD at 26, I'm very aware that at 31, we're both only getting older.
Really, I can't thank you enough for your response. I feel like we have a bit of an action plan now and although we're still waiting and seeing about it all, it's so good to know that we have a first step to take.
Best wishes for you, your family and your beautiful rainbow xx

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