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Lost my baby today

(55 Posts)
PaulaFletch14 Fri 06-Dec-13 14:42:18

This was my first pregnancy, I'm 39 and it took a year to conceive. Me and my partner were so happy. Last week I had a scan and we saw baby's heartbeat. It was amazing. Today I had a scan and no heartbeat. I can't stop crying and we're heartbroken. Hospital tomorrow for medical management.

I'm funding it difficult as my partner has two daughters from his first marriage. I feel resentful that he has kids with someone else. Is this normal or am I a cow?

Feel alone, even though partner very supportive.

PaulaFletch14 Sun 08-Dec-13 08:17:38

Thank you everyone for your messages of support

I'm really struggling can't stop crying, really don't see the point in carrying on. How can I ever be normal again. Scared my periods won't return. I can't face life without kids it'll eat me up. I can't face going back to the desperation of TTC. Feel like this will damage my relationship with DP as I can't stop the feelings of resentment I have that he has kids.

Cybercat Sun 08-Dec-13 08:27:54

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost at 6weeks1day coming up to 6 weeks ago and also had medical management. Miscarriage brought out the worst in me in terms of resentment and also made me feel a bit like a social outcast as many people just don't know how to deal with it. Armadale (hi there!) gives excrllent advice - do test in two weeks time. I wasn't advised to do this, didn't think to do it and now have faint positive tests that could be awesome news or the results of retained products. Take your time and look after yourself, I watched a lot of Netflix when I was off and the house had never been cleaner x

greenlizard Sun 08-Dec-13 09:45:59

Hang in there paula - you will be ok. It is a pretty rough ride I know but you will come out the other side. When you are ready, you can try is important that you take care now - cry, wail and grieve however you want and don't give two hoots if how you are feeling is "normal".

Parsley2506 Sun 08-Dec-13 10:08:55

Paula please don't give yourself such a hard time, and don't give up on yourself or the idea of having kids. As all these wise ladies have said, give yourself time and kindness to get over the worst of the physical and emotional pain, it WILL get better, I promise you.
Try not to think about ttc or anything like that, let yourself grieve the loss of your baby and try to leave those thoughts for when you're feeling a bit stronger.
I know it can seem like a bit of a black abyss, but there is always light the other side.
Keep posting here, keep talking, we're all here for you

PaulaFletch14 Sun 08-Dec-13 20:21:23

Thank you parsley, cyber cat and green lizard. It's good to hear it'll get better

My poor DP has had a hard time today I had a huge go at him as I can't get my head round him having kids. I kept asking him questions like what does it feel like holding your new born in your arms. How can you not still love your ex wife when you have kids with her. How can you love me more if I can't have kids. Irrational I know!! He is very supportive and has done so much to look after me since we were told on Friday our baby had died. I do truly feel my life is over if I never become a mum and scared this will affect my relationship. We're getting married in august and our baby would've been due at the end of June so even our wedding day has been affected as our little one was going to be with us.

Hospital tomorrow for second tablet
I feel tortured and I know I'm not alone xx

Parsley2506 Mon 09-Dec-13 22:12:26

Hi Paula, how did today go? I hope you're ok. Have you thought about letting DP read this thread? Might go a little way towards sharing the burden. It's so hard to get the right words out when you're feeling so torn up, maybe seeing them written down in a way that more concisely shows the turmoil you're (understandably) in would help, even if just a little bit.
Thinking of you!

PaulaFletch14 Tue 10-Dec-13 04:43:18

Thanks Parsley

I'm not doing great as I write I'm in hospital bed just gone 4.30am. I've took second dose of stage two tablets and it's still not over. Sorry if TMI jut passed huge clots which have freaked me out but not sac. I'm so frightened. So much blood

My DP has been amazing and I feel so lucky to have him. We've chatted about how I feel and he is trying to understand. I didn't appreciate how devastated he is

I just want the physical side over with


Muma4 Tue 10-Dec-13 05:06:02

Hi I'm just reading your sad news I lost last year but I'm 4 weeks now and I'm 41 shhhhh
I have 2 children from my first marriage and was desperate after my new hubby had reversal do e after 30 yrs so we had 5% chance we had are little one last 2 yrs ago and have had 3 losses so I'm with you as many others are don't give up my hubby's 50 next year and is amazing dad
I had a bit of a bleed this evening that's why I'm awake just feel like it's happening again we didn't plan this one but really want this to be
I hope your ok and wish u luck x

PaulaFletch14 Tue 10-Dec-13 05:20:44

Thank you Muma4. Sorry for your losses and congrats on pregnancy grin

I know I still have time at 39, but scared it'll never happen for us. My DP must find comfort in the fact he already has kids. I'm scared I'll be childless and he'll have a bond with his ex/wife we'll never share. Surely that must mean I'm second best and as mother of his kids more important than I am

Hate feeling so irrational when DP is so amazing but scared and emotional

Thank you so much for your reassurance. I'm trying to be positive and strong but keep wobbling

Love Paula xxx

deste Sun 15-Dec-13 13:44:39

I know how you feel, it's awful isn't it but calm down. The fact you got pregnant is a sign that everything is working. I tried for seven years, got pregnant and had a miscarriage. I was devastated but I was pregnant within six weeks. Don't try to forget this pregnancy because you never will but you will learn to live with it.

PaulaFletch14 Sun 15-Dec-13 15:35:26

Thanks deste sorry about your loss
I'll never forget about our little one. DP has been so supportive and this forum helps. My sister in law to be has been amazing she has had multiple MC and a still birth so understands how we're feeling

I've stopped bleeding now and hoping once I finish my antibiotics next week we can start trying again

deste Mon 16-Dec-13 21:30:37

Thanks Paula but it was 37 years ago and tears still come when I think about it. That's why there is no point in trying to forget because you never do. My SIL had a still birth and that was awful. On another note my niece who is 40 has had two miscarriages and is now pregnant again.

PaulaFletch14 Mon 16-Dec-13 21:57:12

That's encouraging deste I'm hoping at 39 I still have a few years to be a mum

It's all I've ever wanted

deste Mon 16-Dec-13 22:19:33

This time next year you'll be a mum.

Bakingtins Tue 17-Dec-13 10:37:31

paula glad to hear your DP is being supportive. Don't feel second best to his ex, if that was true he'd be with her now, not you. Men often react quite differently, and I think much of it is them trying to be the strong one, when actually it would be more help if they admitted they were grieving too.
You don't need to be positive, strong or anything else you are not actually feeling. You'll recover quicker if you acknowledge the emotions as they arise, if you suppress them they will bite you on the bum sometime later.
Someone mentioned up thread about allowing an AF before TTC again. I haven't seen any proper evidence to say it might affect your chances but I have seen a lot of people have 2 consecutive losses without an AF in between, and a lot of women posting that first AF is not normal (either light or very heavy and clotty) which suggests that womb lining is not up to much immediately post MC. Personally I've never used contraception but have not 'tried' that first cycle either, and I don't think I ovulate until 2nd cycle anyway. There are also women who get pregnant straightaway and are fine, but I think there is something to be said for letting your cycle reset itself and taking a little time to recover. There does seem to be good evidence that you are more fertile for several months after a MC, so hope that proves to be the case for you.

finlaybug1 Tue 17-Dec-13 16:39:46

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I hope I can offer some hope my husband and I had 2 miscarriages and 2 stillbirths before having our son. Please don't give up at 39 it is still very possible. Since having my son I have had another 2 miscarriages but I am still hopeful. I believe we can do it, it is and has been very difficult at times but I keep remembering the goal and keep going! Good luck x

Waitingforflo Tue 17-Dec-13 16:50:02

Sorry for your loss Paula - I've had quite a lot of miscarriages, although none too late (all around 12 weeks). From a practical perspective, I always find that it's my second period after a missed mc which is the tricky one. I won't go into too much detail but I do wonder whether that is when my body really clears itself. Of course, that might just be me - they'll probably offer you a scan about a week after the mc just to check things out, so that will give you a bit of an idea, but I do agree that your cycle sometimes does need to reset.

PaulaFletch14 Wed 18-Dec-13 10:19:00

Thank you baking tins, waiting for flo, and finlaybug1

Feeling abit more optimistic today bleeding very light now and I finish my two courses of antibiotics and iron tablets today. Me and DP are supporting each other through this.

Just waiting for hospital appointment then physically I'll feel more like the old me. At the moment I hate my body for letting me down, can't even look at downstairs since this has happened. Weird???
The biggest thing is Christmas glad home it's over

All ladies on here have been amazing thank you so much. I would have been lost without you as I've got more info off here than I have from hospital

Waitingforflo Wed 18-Dec-13 15:20:51

Good luck Paula - might be worth asking about extra strength folic acid too for the next few months (5mg), and maybe even looking into herbal treatments when you feel a bit stronger. I had one mmc that really threw me out of whack for a while, but a herbalist worked miracles.

BlearyeyedLol Tue 24-Dec-13 20:19:59

Hi Paula. Hope you're feeling better now. I too had a mc last year and was told by a gp I would have trouble conceiving again as I was already 38. I did get pregnant again in 3 months and am currently fighting to get her to napgrin
Don't lose hope and don't feel ashamed of how you feel. Have a lovely Xmas!

PaulaFletch14 Wed 25-Dec-13 00:37:12

Thanks bleary eyed

Feeling abit better still have some bleeding

Hope to TTC soon. Back to hospital on 2 jan. I hope this time next year I have a bump

Hope you have a good Christmas

Paula xx

PaulaFletch14 Thu 02-Jan-14 16:51:48

Back to the EPU today to scan to check everything ok. Physically I'm all good. But walking into that place bought everything back struggled not to burst into tears. Not helped that pregnant women and kids everywhere.

Feel like I've taken two steps back

Parsley2506 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:25:29

Ahh Paula, it really is the pits isn't it? I still don't know how I kept it together when I went back for my scan. It did NOT help that the sonographer didn't seem to be expecting me to confirm I'd had a miscarriage during the gap between scans, or all the pregnant women gassing about their water birth plans etc. The worst bit of all was some awful bint outside the unit chain smoking away with her massive belly for all to see, made me so angry!

I still have days that take me right back to the raw nerve, but they do get easier to deal with. When you're ready, why don't you come over to the TTC after MC thread on the conception board (title starts New Year, New Thread or something along those lines). Lots of caring and empathetic ladies on there to give you support as you move on to the next phase.


Parsley2506 Thu 02-Jan-14 20:29:04

Here's the link, if you want it

Armadale Thu 02-Jan-14 20:31:01

Hi Paula,, Glad physically you are OK... I know what you mean about walking in bringing back memories. It is very tough.

Have they suggested counselling to you? I now wish I'd had some sooner than I did, although I know it is not for everyone.

If you are in London or SE you can get free of charge counselling for pregnancy loss at City Pregnancy if that is any help to you x

Parsley, that scan experience sounds just dreadful, so sorry you had to go through that

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