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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Lost my baby today

54 replies

PaulaFletch14 · 06/12/2013 14:42

This was my first pregnancy, I'm 39 and it took a year to conceive. Me and my partner were so happy. Last week I had a scan and we saw baby's heartbeat. It was amazing. Today I had a scan and no heartbeat. I can't stop crying and we're heartbroken. Hospital tomorrow for medical management.

I'm funding it difficult as my partner has two daughters from his first marriage. I feel resentful that he has kids with someone else. Is this normal or am I a cow?

Feel alone, even though partner very supportive.

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kotinka · 06/12/2013 14:48

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Hassled · 06/12/2013 14:52

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Re the resentment - I haven't been through what you've had to suffer, but I know after I lost my parents for a while I felt resentful of friends etc with parents alive and well - which was completely unreasonable, but a very normal reaction, just part of the hell that is bereavement. It passed.

PaulaFletch14 · 06/12/2013 15:02

Thanks Kontinka x

Hassled I think that's what makes this harder. My mum died 7 years ago need her so much right now x

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Hassled · 06/12/2013 15:14

Oh blimey - yes, you must really want her by your side now. I'm so sorry.

Forester · 06/12/2013 19:18

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I've had two MC's but only after I had my DD so it must be especially hard for you. There's nothing that anyone can do to make things better but I think it can help if you recognise that you have suffered a bereavement and everything isn't alright.

One thing that gave me some comfort (as we'd been TTC for two years) is when the midwife told me that my fertility would be higher - as your fertility is higher following any pregnancy even if it hasn't gone to term.

I also had medical management both times and you shouldn't worry about the procedure - given the circumstances it's fine.

Take care of yourself over the next few days. x

PaulaFletch14 · 06/12/2013 20:10

Sorry for your losses Forester

Thanks I feel reassured about medical management now. Was scared. I've heard that fertility is higher even after miscarriage I hope so as at 39 I feel that this was my last chance

My DP wants to try again but I'm scared and can't even think about it but at the same time want to

I'm very confused and my eyes have swollen from all the crying

Love Paula x

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Parsley2506 · 06/12/2013 20:19

Hi Paula, I'm very sorry for your sad loss. I too recently had a MC, very much longed for first pregnancy too (ttc for 18 months). It is absolutely mind, heart and soul wrenching to go through but please don't feel alone, everyone here sadly knows only too well the anguish you're experiencing.

I'm also currently wobbling over when to start ttc again. I think when you've been trying for as long as you and I have and when you're worrying about things like age part of you really does just want to jump straight back on the horse, waste no time etc. but it's important to let your heart heal too. Only you and your DP will know when it feels right, so my advice is really just to go with your heart.

I hope the next few days and your ongoing recovery go smoothly and I wish you a speedy, healthy and happy next conception and pregnancy. If you need any hand holding in the meantime however, you know where to come!

ChristineDaae · 06/12/2013 20:21

Sorry to hear this Paula. Miscarriage is an awful thing to go through. Give yourself time to grieve and decide what you want to do next. I don't think feeling resentful makes you a cow at all, pretty normal in the circumstances!

PaulaFletch14 · 06/12/2013 21:08

Thanks parsley and Christine it's comforting to know that others feel the same and I'm not alone. I'm so grateful that you've replied. The next few days will be hard but I just need to think that every day is closer to the day I'll eventually be a mum

Love and hugs xx

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Sammc1878 · 06/12/2013 22:46

Sorry for your loss and sending big hugs x

Bakingtins · 06/12/2013 22:52

paula I'm so sorry you lost your baby. Experiencing a miscarriage throws up a whole roller coaster of emotions, not all of them rational. The only way is to give yourself permission to feel however you are feeling and recognise you need to go through a process of grieving and healing, and be as kind as possible to yourself and each other whilst you deal with it.
Thinking of you tomorrow

BumWad · 06/12/2013 22:57

I am sorry for your loss x

Purplefrogshoe · 06/12/2013 23:04

I'm so sorry paula thinking of you tomorrow

basgetti · 07/12/2013 00:10

I'm so sorry for your loss Paula. I was told my baby had no heartbeat on wednesday. My pregnancy wasn't planned but now I feel desperate to conceive as soon as possible but I'm not sure I can go through this again. I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx

PaulaFletch14 · 07/12/2013 00:19

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and kind wishes

Bashetti I'm so sorry for your loss. Me too I just want to be pregnant again I feel it's the only way ill feel better. I'm scared of this happening again but I'm scared of facing having a life without children. Don't feel there's much point. I've struggled to get here left my husband of 10 years two years ago because he lied about wanting kids.

I'm pushing my DP away he can't possibly understand how I feel. He already has kids different for him. Perhaps I'm being harsh.

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Lottystar · 07/12/2013 01:34

Paula, firstly I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is a difficult and surreal experience. The dreams and expectations after all the time you have been hoping to conceive are taken away with no given reason. Pls do as the other ladies have wisely said and allow yourself to grieve and heal. It won't feel like it now but slowly and oddly it does get better as the days pass. You do not forget but you start to move on. I mc'ed in October and the first few days were an utter emotional blur but after a lot of sofa / duvet / chocolate time you start to see the wood through the trees. It comes back to bite now and then - seeing pregnant friends, babies and getting close to milestones but it's sadly bearable. Try not to push your partner away. Actually him having children may make it just as sad an experience in a slightly different way -- as having had children he can feel the loss as a father. I'm not trying to be insensitive when I say this, pls don't think that but he will be very sad too and the best way you can get through this horrid time is together. My husband and I decided to start trying straight away after my miscarriage and now on my first two week wait since. Do what feels right for you. That's the only right answer. Thinking of you tomorrow x

IThoughtThat · 07/12/2013 01:44

. Sorry to hear your sad news.

sizethree · 07/12/2013 07:42

I'm so sorry to read about your sad loss. I suffered a MMC two weeks ago but can reassure you that the medical management is nothing to be scared or worried about.
lottystar's advice is brilliant, and if you're having any wobbles do come seek advice and support here as its i gor one have found it so wonderfully comforting for me during this really horrific time.
Lots of love. X

greenlizard · 07/12/2013 09:46

I hope all goes well today. Just to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. I had a MMC in June with an ERPC and am in the process of another one now which I am doing naturally as it started in between confirmation scans. My DP has two children (boy and girl) from previous marriage and I was jealous and resentful of him - my thinking was you already have biological children and now this might never happen for me. My step kids are great but they have a mum that isn't me! I was really, really angry and upset with him about this for a while. These feelings will pass and I felt closer to my DP afterwards. Let him support you through this - you need taking care of.

At 39, the road is not over for you yet by any means - I have conceived twice in the last 12 months and I am in my 40's. You will feel bereft right now but it does get better and although I am going through it again (not unusual for my age sadly) we fully intend to try again ASAP.

I wish you all the very best of luck and be kind to yourself (physically and emotionally).- it really does get better in time.

Take care.

VisualiseAHorse · 07/12/2013 09:55

You are not a cow at all, I am so sorry for your loss, and really hope that it does happen for you soon.

PaulaFletch14 · 07/12/2013 16:31

Size three so sorry to hear about your loss. I've just got back from hospital. Hardest part was signing the consent form for baby's remains and it says mothers name. I broke down in tears.
Also when walking out a heavily pregnant women smoking. Just seems so unfair love Paula xx

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PaulaFletch14 · 07/12/2013 16:35

Greenlizard sorry for your losses. Thank you so much for your advice it's nice to know there are other women in a similar position to me. Your advice was really good

Just got home from hospital and DP looking after me. Registrar at hospital kept referring to my age as a risk but reassured me everything with my womb etc is normal and no reason why I wouldn't conceive again. She advised to wait after first period before trying again but I've heard that's just to help them date the pregnancy rather than anything else

Love and hugs
Paula xxxx

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Armadale · 07/12/2013 16:45

Hi Paula, I 'm so sorry to hear about your MC. I'm glad that you got through the medical management and are now home. I have had a few MC's and all I would say is however you are feeling is absolutely OK and the only wrong thing for me is trying to pretend I'm OK when I'm not.

As for trying again immediately/waiting, do it when you feel ready. The dating thing is that much of a big deal if you feel ready.

Only important thing is to make sure you get a negative test BEFORE you start trying, (normally they advise you to take it 2 weeks after medical management) this is important as it means you can be sure that any future positive test you get is the result of a new pregnancy and not old hormones.
Good luck, I do know several people who have got PG much quicker after a MC, and I hope this happens for you

Forester · 07/12/2013 19:18

I'm glad you are home and everything has gone OK.

I think there's also a medical reason for waiting until you've had a AF before TTC after an ERPC - something to do with your womb lining being weaker I think. Bakingtins is good at knowing these sort of things so hopefully she will post again.

I've also waited a month following my MC's so that I could be sure of dates - the last thing that I would want in any future scan (fingers crossed there will be one) is uncertainty re dates.

PaulaFletch14 · 08/12/2013 08:17

Thank you everyone for your messages of support

I'm really struggling can't stop crying, really don't see the point in carrying on. How can I ever be normal again. Scared my periods won't return. I can't face life without kids it'll eat me up. I can't face going back to the desperation of TTC. Feel like this will damage my relationship with DP as I can't stop the feelings of resentment I have that he has kids.

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