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Any tips on how to explain how I'm feeling to SIL with same EDD?

(22 Posts)
Parsley2506 Wed 27-Nov-13 22:59:48

I've already posted here a few times about my MC, but a v brief recap - ttc for DC#1 for 18 months, MMC at 10 weeks (6 week embryo), completed naturally last week.

Less than a week before we discovered our MMC we found out my SIL, who lives locally, was also expecting DC#2 with an EDD just over a week after mine. Obviously there was much mutual elation at that point.

Since the MC I have obviously generally been a bit holed up anyway, but have specifically avoided all contact with BIL and SIL because, while they've offered sympathy and been very kind, I just cannot cope with the fact she's about to go public with her news and will reach all her pregnancy milestones when I should have.

DH has been in touch with them but I just can't bring myself to do it even though I want to try to ensure there's no rift or anything because I am still happy for them and their pregnancy. I just had a nice text from her saying she's thinking of me etc. but I'd feel like a fraud replying saying thanks etc. when I don't know that I can actually face seeing her, at least without explaining.

Christmas is going to be a nightmare too. MIL also lives locally so we usually do a belated Christmas meal with her and BIL/SIL and my niece but I don't know yet whether I'm going to be able to cope with that. sad

Help! Does anyone have any advice on how to explain to my SIL that I'm not being a jealous bitter bitch, it's just that my emotions are not reliable and I don't know how long that might last for?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Wed 27-Nov-13 23:04:10

I would just reply saying thank you for thinking of me, just keeping myself to myself at the moment, hope you understand xx

I had the same (second baby, 11 weeks), and I find it hard even seeing those in the celeb magazines, so.I cannot.imagine how hard it would be to have a family.member at a similar stage to what you would have been.

LunaticFringe Wed 27-Nov-13 23:13:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakingtins Thu 28-Nov-13 08:16:39

HI Parsley This has happened to me after each of my miscarriages, there always seems to be someone in your circle with a similar EDD. Last time it was my SIL and DH chose the day my MC was confirmed to be complete to tell me she was pregnant sad TBH I just avoided her as they live far away. I have seen the baby and that was fine - she looks so much like BIL she is obviously not my baby. I've found it harder to deal with other people's pregnancies than their baby as I had all the milestones in my head, probably hadn't thought too far past EDD, and in general I've found getting past the EDD is a milestone in terms of recovery emotionally from MC. I've also been in the situation where it was a close friend and work colleague who I saw every day, but at least that time she had suffered a MC previously so was pretty sensitive to my feelings. There's a leaflet on the MC assocation site called Someone You Know which might be helpful to explain to family how you are likely to be feeling.
You're not a monster for being angry and jealous, that's a very normal response, even if at the same time you are pleased for your SIL. It's quite possible to still want a happy outcome for someone and be full of envy that it's not you.

Maryz Thu 28-Nov-13 08:20:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ipswichwitch Thu 28-Nov-13 08:43:53

I had a mmc last year and both my SIL and neighbour were pg at the same time with similar due dates. It was also similar to the Duchess of Cambridges edd, and every time it came on the news I had to switch it off.

I also found it harder to deal with other people's pregnancies than babies. Don't put yourself under any pressure this Christmas - I wouldn't agree to attending anything just yet as you rightly say you don't know how you will feel. I was honest about how I was feeling and did need to keep to myself for a while.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - your SIL does seen nice enough to understand if you tell her how you feel. Look after yourself thanks

Trooperslane Thu 28-Nov-13 08:49:31

What Maryz said. I know what this feels like and spent years as a bitter, angry bitch. Wish I could have had the words then.

Hugs thanks wine. So sorry for you to have to go through this. It's the absolute pits xxx

cornflakegirl Thu 28-Nov-13 09:44:05

I'm sorry for your loss thanks

I agree with Maryz. Tell her that it's nothing to do with her personally but that, at the moment, you can't cope with her being a walking reminder of what you've lost. Hopefully she'll understand, and even if she doesn't, better some imagined hurt than that you try to pretend everything is okay and then maybe say something to her that you really regret afterwards.

I had three miscarriages before I had DS2 (who is now four). While each one was horrible, I couldn't tell you any of my due dates now.

Look after yourself.

LastOneDancing Thu 28-Nov-13 09:56:17

So sorry for your loss Parsley.

I'm sure she feels rotten about how timings have worked out and is desperate not to do the wrong thing.

If I was her, and received exactly what you wrote in the last para of your OP I'd understand exactly where you were coming from. And I'd just be grateful to hear from you.

If you do decide to go ahead with Christmas, I'd think seriously about meeting up with her alone first so you can have a big chat & a cry if you need to.

Parsley2506 Thu 28-Nov-13 19:11:18

Thanks for all the advice, as always you ladies are amazing. I have sent SIL a very rambly text which hopefully explains. No reply yet, but they've just gone off on holiday so will try to catch up with her when they're back and who knows, I might be feeling less bitter bitch by then!
Next week's challenge - work!

Parsley2506 Sat 14-Dec-13 22:23:17

Me again. Seems like every time I start feeling like I can control my responses to things I get knocked back.
My SIL never replied to the text I sent explaining how I was feeling. Admittedly it was sent the night before they went on holiday so she may not have had the chance but they've been back for over a week now.

We missed BIL's birthday while they were away and I've just found out from DH that he's invited them over for tea tomorrow.

AIBU for not really wanting them over!? I know I have to see them again at some point but I still feel a bit wounded that she didn't acknowledge my (admittedly pretty fucking honest) text about how bitter/jealous I was feeling. I know in some ways it will be good to just get it over with but I don't know how to handle the inevitable chit chat.

I've not really spoken to DH about his BIL's reaction, he's a pretty sound guy but he and SIL have the proverbial charmed life so everything is always sunshine and roses in their world. Not sure what they're going to be like in the face of my rollercoastering emotions!

Anyway, no idea why I'm resurrecting this thread really, just wanted to vent!

MamaPingu Sat 14-Dec-13 22:31:52

You aren't being unreasonable for not wanting them over at all. I feel that's very insensitive of DH. From his actions I imagine he doesn't fully understand how you're feeling ATM. I suppose it's hard to when it's not physically your body that had sadly miscarried so maybe he didn't realise what he was doing.

I find it very odd that she hadn't replied, maybe she finds it hard to know how to respond to you respectfully and doesn't want to cause any offence.

It's quite possible DH had invited his brother and she's feeling the same as you! Thinking god I have to see poor OP tomorrow and I never got round to replying to that text because I hadn't a clue what to say

ruth1104 Sat 14-Dec-13 22:40:01

Not really got any good advice parsley but I'm really sorry that things feel so crappy at the moment. Today I found out someone who I don't even know that well is expecting a baby around the same time as mine would have been, and that hit me hard; I'm genuinely living in fear that someone in my closer circle is going to announce their pregnancy soon. I haven't figured out my brave face yet so I'm not sure what the answer is. Maybe she wanted to talk to you about your text in person? Hope it goes ok! Have a wine

basgetti Sun 15-Dec-13 00:15:44

Sorry things are difficult for you at the moment Parsley. I went on facebook yesterday to see a pregnancy announcement from my cousin, she is due 4 days after my due date. She is being inundated with congratulations whilst I'm busy necking antibiotics to get rid of the raging infection I've developed after last week's miscarriage. I feel irrationally jealous and angry, I feel like shes living my life. Luckily only my immediate family knew I was pregnant so there won't be any awkwardness but I think I need to steer clear of facebook for a while, just for my own sanity! x

Parsley2506 Sun 15-Dec-13 13:43:52

Thanks for the understanding ladies, I've been getting so fed up of only being able to talk to people IRL who have no experience of what I am going through. For something that I keep being told is very common, I am literally the only person I know to have experienced a MC out of my entire group of friends/colleagues who are aware of my MC (which is a pretty good amount of people with kids). It completely sucks, but it's comforting to know you lot are all here (although I obviously wish you didn't have to be)

I had a bit of a heart to heart with DH about it last night. He didn't realise I was still struggling so much. Because he was coping OK I'd been trying to keep my brave face on so he just didn't twig.

He's gone to see BIL/SIL on his own at their house, no idea what, if any, excuse he's given & I don't really care at this precise moment either.

Finally, I messaged a good friend on FB earlier this week to let her know about the MC as we'd be missing a party at hers this weekend where other friends who already know would be. She chose to use her reply to my message to let me know she's pg. I know she meant well by telling me privately before anyone else but it still really, really hurt. envy sad

Christmas is going to be a right barrel of laughs, I can tell already fsad

barkingtreefrog Fri 20-Dec-13 23:25:11

How are you doing now parsley? Will you have to see SiL over xmas? Did you hear from her after your DH had been round?
I mc in September and DP's best mate announced a couple of weeks later that his wife was pg. They live down the road and we see them a lot. However, I've avoided everything she's been at since September. I can't rationally separate her bump from the bump that would have been mine. They're all out for Christmas drinks tonight so I'm not going because she might be there. I don't even know if she is, but it's that bad I don't want to risk it. Doesn't help that we've been trying 2 years now and it took them 2 months to get pg.

barkingtreefrog Fri 20-Dec-13 23:26:07

And the fb thing is just angry angry angry . How bloody insensitive.

Parsley2506 Sat 21-Dec-13 23:52:25

Barking, thanks for checking in - seems you and I have very similar circs regrettably!
Not a peep from BIL/SIL. The only direct contact I've had from either since MC was the text she sent last month. Obviously DH and his brother have spoken but the avoidance seems mutual! I'm sure they're upset in their own way and don't want to intrude or say/do the wrong thing.

We're scheduled to do lunch/drinks on the 29th and I am determined to show my face. Separating their pg from ours is abominably painful but I have to do it, it's not fair on any of us to maintain this distance, esp my lovely 4 year old niece.

My concern is that by putting a brave face on and seeing them they don't assume that means I'm 'ok' and resume baby chatter, I don't THINK they're that insensitive, but I'll soon find out!

As for pg friend with the tactless Facebook messages, I am happy to continue avoiding her as I know she is biologically incapable of not turning every table to herself within 2 mins and I could really do without that! Like, ever!

Hugs and strength by proxy from me in dealing with your own close friend baby bomb. It really is the pits :-(

Ruggle Sun 22-Dec-13 07:32:09

Two weeks after my mc an email came round at work announcing the wonderful news that a colleague was 3 months pregnant and even gave her due date, which is 2 weeks after mine would have been. I burst into tears! Every time I saw her and her bump I felt insanely jealous....but what actually helped is that one day she caught up with me in the street for a random chat and I felt so much better afterwards, thinking for all I know this lovely girl could have also suffered losses or struggled to conceive, and since then I have just felt happy for her.
My youngest sister also announced recently that she was 12 weeks pregnant . She didn't know about my miscarriages so I took the opportunity both to congratulate her and let her know. I was 3 weeks pregnant by then but filled with fear, so was still knocked for six by her news. I am over the moon for her now, but still feeling gutted that I never got to announce my first pregnancy, which would have been first grandchild in our family.

RosesOnTheWane Sun 22-Dec-13 07:37:55

Parsley, I have been in the same situation. I lost our first pregnancy due to an ectopic (we had been TTC for 3 years at that point) and my SIL was pg at the same time. My DNiece was born on what would have been my due date.

I couldn't bring myself to go and see DNiece until she was three weeks old. DSIL was wonderful and seemed to 'get it': the first time I met DNiece, SIL said "She's up in her room" and I had a chance to blub in private with new DNiece as well as beginning to fall in love with her.

I know it is unbearably painful. For me it did get easier.

All the very best.

Chottie Sun 22-Dec-13 07:42:09

Parsley - I've been in your shoes. My neighbour's baby arrived the week my baby was due and I was dreading seeing her. But I went over, took a present and cuddled baby and it helped me heal.

In your shoes I would congratulate your SiL and BiL and give them both a hug. They are probably feeling a bit awkward and are waiting for you to take the lead. Good luck and a huge (un MN) hug.

poopadoop Tue 14-Jan-14 13:46:41

parsley - condolences on the loss of your baby. Please try not to get angry at what you think of as the insensitivity of others, it might be close to impossible for them to understand what you're going through

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