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I lost my bean today ...

(19 Posts)
Lottystar Wed 30-Oct-13 16:11:50

I am crying as I write this post. After a year of trying to conceive, going through the emotional roller coaster of clomid (fertility drug) I finally got my BFP on the 9th October. My husband and I were absolutely over the moon. For the last three weeks or so I have felt so pregnant, my body has changed and almost just to rub salt in the wound my boobs still feel sore and tender now. I still feel pregnant, the seven weeks pregnant I should be. I woke up to go to the toilet last night and when I wiped I noticed pink discharge. This morning it was a little dark blood and so I called my GP this morning and they sent me to the Early Pregnancy Unit. I waited for hours but quite happily so as I only imagined at that stage to see the flickering of the little bean's heartbeat on the monitor. Instead I was told by a overly jocular sonographer that my womb was empty. The lining was still thickened so they suspected pregnancy but no baby. I felt sick. They made me do another pregnancy test, despite my assurance I had done at least 4 to confirm my pregnancy and it came back positive. They then did an internal scan and another cold and rather nasty sonographer moaned about my bladder not emptying properly (I'd just been to the loo) and said I should mention it to my GP as it can cause infections. Like I gave a shit at that moment when all I wanted was for them to find my baby. I was told I'd need blood tests to check my hormone levels and then another in 48 hours to see if they are rising or dipping. I went to the toilet after the blood test and low and behold, the bleeding had got much, much worse with clots etc. I know I am losing the baby now and there is nothing I can do about it. I just keep sobbing and I know it will do no good, but I feel so alone and empty. My husband is upset too and watching our two boys but I don't know what to do with myself right now. I don't want to sleep and I don't want to eat. I feel so sad and numb. How do you get over this feeling? I know I must focus on my existing children who I love more than anything but I feel a mess right now and I could really use some words of wisdom and experience from ladies who have suffered a miscarriage too.

Bakingtins Wed 30-Oct-13 17:20:35

Lotty I am so sorry sad it is a horrible thing to go through and unfortunately as you've found the EPU staff can be quite cold about it.
You get through this first bit with painkillers, big night-time or maternity pads, wine, chocolate and tears. You will need to go through a process of grieving for the baby you lost and all the hopes you had for your future with them. You will probably feel guilty, angry, jealous, miserable... a whole raft of feelings over the next days and weeks, and all of them are ok. It helps to do something positive to mark and honour the lost baby, and in time you will be able to move on. But right now it is shit, and there is no other word for it. You are allowed to wallow and be sad. HUGS.

picklebum2011 Wed 30-Oct-13 21:22:28

I am so very very sorry my heart goes out to you. Baking has summed it up so spectacularly, right now it is super shit!! I have experienced coldness from some hospital staff, it makes you feel ten times worse!! I don't always think they know what to say, no excuses for them though. You will be in such shock too. Sending you huge hugs.

suebfg Wed 30-Oct-13 21:23:23

I'm so sorry for you

duvetheaven Wed 30-Oct-13 21:23:37

Hi Lotty sorry to hear of your news. I have had 3 MC's in the past , my most recent being very similar to your above description. Although most nursing staff are caring , I know you get the odd few who definitely don't help as above. The pregnancy test above is standard procedure unfortunately. Can you cancel as much as possible in the next few weeks? Everyone reacts differently but from the moment you get the BFP you look at the due date and a MC brings that to an abrupt end. Hope you can confide in a supportive friend and grieve for your baby. It is a really sad and difficult time for you .

YoniMatopoeia Wed 30-Oct-13 21:27:43

So sorry to read this lotty. Be kind to yourself.

Picklesauage Thu 31-Oct-13 13:20:17

Oh lotty I am so sorry. I have strayed onto this board today I I too have just miscarried. Back from EPU this morning which showed an empty womb at 11 weeks. It wasn't empty yesterday. It is so wretched. I don't know about you but I am just taking it hour by hour.

SecretWitch Thu 31-Oct-13 13:26:22

My heart goes out to you both. I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. Please be very gentle to yourself...xx

2beornot Thu 31-Oct-13 13:34:02

Lotty and pickles - big hugs.

Don't expect too much of yourself right now. It's totally fine to just sob and sob. Then over the next day or two, think about what would help you whether it's to hibernate or visit friends, whether to tell people or not, and what more you need from epu.

For now, time on the sofa with chocolate, DVD and blanket is needed.

purple84 Thu 31-Oct-13 14:00:35

Lotty and Pickles so sorry for your losses.
Don't rush the grieving process, do what feels right for you and don't let anyone tell you when you should feel better.
But do try to communicate with DH/DP as they can really help and even if they are trying not to show it they will be suffering too xx

InOtherNews Thu 31-Oct-13 14:52:39

I'm so sorry Lotty. Like Pickles, take it hour by hour. Don't feel like you are alone. It does get better, I promise you, just go easy on yourself.

Lottystar Thu 31-Oct-13 20:08:22

Thank you for all your kind and wise words ladies. I needed to speak with other women who've been through it as so far I've had a lot of "you can always have another" comments from well meaning family members. I wanted that baby so much.

Pickles, I hope you are doing okay? So so sorry for your loss too. Today for me felt ever so slightly less hazy, still sobbing and emotional but it feels real now and having removed all signs of pregnancy stuff from the house I feel a tiny bit stronger (not much though!) My beautiful little boys managed to make me smile today and I count myself a lucky Mummy already.

I'm off to EPU again tomorrow for a blood test and see what happens next. The bleeding I've had has not been much and I'm not really in pain, I was only 7 weeks but I've passed only a few clots. I'm not sure if that's normal or if there is lots more to come? Xx

BobaFetaCheese Thu 31-Oct-13 20:14:26

So sorry for your loss Lotty & Pickles

My mc was 7wks & I had 10 days of bleeding in all, first 4/5 were like a really horrible period & then it was on/off until it finally stopped, also I got my first negative pregnancy test the second day of bleeding.

Hope the next few weeks are as calm as can be for you both. x

MrsExcited Thu 31-Oct-13 21:23:48

Here for hand holding, on off complicated mc over the last week. My 2nd this year but doesn't make it any better (almost giving up hope now)

Lots of hugs

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Thu 31-Oct-13 22:33:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EATmum Thu 31-Oct-13 23:43:03

How very sad for those grieving - I'm really sorry for your losses.

Picklesauage Sat 02-Nov-13 15:42:35

Hi lotty, I hope you are doing ok today. We have found ourselves slowly healing. I am in a slightly different position as I lost pretty much everything over Wednesday night. Huge bleeding and clots, so much so that the scan on Thursday showed an
almost empty womb, despite being visibly 11 weeks pregnant the day before. They told me to expect to bleed for a couple of weeks, but mostly lightly as most is gone. I had repeat bloods this morning to check levels are dropping. I have to do urine test after a week.
I am glad you have other children. I have taken solace in my DD and am just grateful that this is not my first pregnancy, although it hurts still.

Lottystar Sat 02-Nov-13 20:22:43

Hi Pickle, yes, I am slowly starting to feel a bit more normal. The upset seems to come in waves and I think it will for sometime. I think miscarriage is an awful experience, for me it's heightened somewhat by looking at my lovely boys and wondering what my third little munchkin would have been like but I just have to let that feeling go. My bleeding is starting to lessen now and I'm back for my third blood test tomorrow to ensure my HCG levels are nearly back to normal. They were 400 yesterday. Thinking of you too, take care of yourself and your partner xx

B0b03 Tue 05-Nov-13 14:23:14

Hi Lotty
im so sorry to hear of your loss. I had a miscarriage in July at 6weeks and the grief and saddness is still with me, some peoples well intentioned comments are very hard to take. Miscarriage seems to be a subject that's brushed under the carpet nobody knows what to say so nothing is said. Im very lucky that Like you I have two other children but that doesn't detract from the over whelming sudden grief that sometimes hits me.
Im sorry i don't have any advice to give you, grief is a very personal thing but please take care of each other and if you need time for yourself take it.

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