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Still so sad and upset

(27 Posts)
VirginOnTheRidiclous Wed 23-Oct-13 13:23:36

I've been a lurker for years and never posted until now, but I'm hoping someone can help me feel less sad.

I've got a 2 year old DS, and been ttc number 2 for a while. I had a medically managed miscarriage back in May, my baby stopped growing at 6 weeks but my body didn't want to let go. After 4 long cycles I fell pg again a few weeks ago. I got a positive pregnancy test on the Wednesday and by Monday I was cramping and bleeding, blood tests confirmed that I miscarried again. I had a week off work and went back this week but I'm just not coping!

I have been in tears and just feel like I have a huge hole in my heart all the time. All of my friends are expecting or have just had their second and I feel like I have no one to talk to. DH is great and has been very supportive but I feel like everyone thinks I should be ok now. I know they're trying to help but I keep getting told to be happy for what I have. And I am, but I'm so sad for what I have lost.

Sorry this is a huge post, but I really don't have anyone to talk to who understands. I'm also petrified of trying again, I'm so desperate to be pg, but so scared there's something wrong with me and I'll loose another. How do people move on when they feel like this? I'm being a horrible shouty mum to DS and I hate myself for it.

loveandsmiles Wed 23-Oct-13 14:08:12

Just want to send you hugs x

I know how awful you feel and don't really know what to say to make it better but am sure it helps to know others are here for you. I miscarried at 12weeks after having 2DC and was devastated. I have since gone on to have another 3DC .......

It does sound so cliched and I hate to say it, but time really does help. I will never forget the life I lost but am thankful for the DCs I have. You are not going to get over this in a week.

Is there a specialist you can talk to at the hospital to talk over your fears re future pregnancies?

Take care x

VirginOnTheRidiclous Wed 23-Oct-13 15:55:32

Thanks for your reply loveandsmiles, the clichés always seem to be right! I saw the dr after the second loss and she said they'd only look into it if I had a third miscarriage, so here's hoping that next time it'll be ok.

It helps to hear of people that have gone on to have healthy babies after a miscarriage. I keep looking at DS thinking that I managed it once so will hopefully do it again, I just feel so fragile and empty at the moment, and lonely.

It's such a shit time x

Bakingtins Wed 23-Oct-13 16:10:46

A second loss is very hard to deal with - you convince yourself the first was "just bad luck" as everyone tells you miscarriage is so common, it's much harder to accept that a second time and yet nobody in the medical establishment will take it seriously until you get to three.
There is no getting around the anxiety about getting and staying pregnant again, but you don't need to feel isolated by it, there are lovely threads on the conception and pregnancy boards for TTC and pregnancy after a MC, and many ladies on there have had a couple of MC and then gone on to have a successful pregnancy. You move on when the desire to be pregnant again is greater than the fear, and if you are not in that place for a few months then you take a break.
I don't know what you do about the sadness, other than accept that it's other people who have the unrealistic expectations of how long it takes to get over a lost baby, you need to grieve in your own time and not to someone else's schedule.

purple84 Wed 23-Oct-13 17:02:08

I don't think we ever get over it, but my current story is I am 39 +4wk today after 4 mc's in the past 2.5 years. It took me a long time to get to the point that I was excited about this pregnancy as I constantly thought something would go wrong.
After our second mc I wasn't sure I would have the courage to continue TTC and started thinking maybe we should adopt!! So I understand your fears and I was so frustrated with the 3 mc rule for investigations.
I ended up having investigations and all they found was PCOS so I lost 16kg to get to ideal weight and here I am hopefully having healthy baby any day now.
I don't want this to come across as me rubbing your face in it, just hoped a happy ending story would help.
So sorry for your losses and best of luck for the future xx

FiremanSamsWife Wed 23-Oct-13 17:26:54

Thanks to you both for your reply, I have changed names as the original one was chosen a long time ago!

I feel better just for writing it down, and you're right bakingtins, I will muster up the courage to join to other boards. My DH is so positive that things will work out and it does really help to hear your story purple84, I don't know how you kept going after 4 mcs, I'm very happy to hear that you got there in the end and wish you a very easy labour after all you've been through x

Forester Wed 23-Oct-13 19:48:03

I can't give you a positive story but I can say that I'm in a similar situation - I have a DD but trying for no 2 resulted in my second MC in September. No one in RL I know has been in the same position and as it happened a few weeks ago I've stopped talking about it. Which is why I find this forum really helpful as it makes you realise you are not alone.

loveandsmiles Wed 23-Oct-13 19:59:37

That's lovely news purple ~ best wishes for you and baby x

I'm sure it gives others hope.........

FiremanSamsWife Wed 23-Oct-13 20:49:48

I'm so sorry to hear you're in the same boat Forester and I totally relate to not talking about it. I've told some people but those that know either don't have/want kids yet, or have got the family they want so can't understand. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but wanted to talk to someone which is why I finally posted here!

Here's hoping for us its third time lucky. Are you trying again straight away or taking a break? My DH wants to just start trying again, but I'm not sure I can take either getting pg again straight away or the heartbreaking arrival of AF every month! As Bakingtins said though Ithinkmy desire to be pg outweighs all the other feelings I have.

Kasterborous Wed 23-Oct-13 21:56:19

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It's horrible going through miscarriage. We went through six miscarriages before we had DD last March, we too thought it was never going to happen and like purple it took a long way into the pregnancy to start to relax. I've never forgotten my miscarriages and doubt I ever will, but I can live with them and they are not always at the front of my mind now. At the time I thought I would never feel any better. It takes a lot of time, and can suddenly randomly hit you out of nowhere.

I wish you the very best of luck for the future.

Forester Thu 24-Oct-13 20:03:39

Yes we've just started trying again but that's partly because I'm not confident about my fertility. We were trying for number 2 for two years before I became pg on clomid. After the MC I became pg naturally after 3 cycles so I believe that it's true what they say that your fertility is higher following any pregnancy - even if it doesn't go to term.

But I also know that if I'm pg again before my due date for the second MC arrives then I will find that date much easier to deal with. So I'm hoping to get pg but also scared of how I will feel during any pg (and the thought of scans now bring me out in cold sweats as both my MC's were MMC's).

But you never know in a years time we may be sat here with babes in arms. smile

taffleee Thu 24-Oct-13 20:44:26

I'm so sorry, this is my first time on here, so keep with my if I don't get all the terminology right, but after reading all the above posts I cant help but feel guilty for the depression i've suffered over the miscarriages i've had, i wish i had found this site before, along time ago.

I'm 34, have two beautiful boys, 10 and 4, both conceived naturally, ovedue by two weeks, both, at 9lbs and 10lbs. Which also make me feel bad for saying after the stories posted, you all seem to have been through so much.

I've miscarried 4 times, all between 9 - 12 weeks, I don't have any immediate family still in my life, and have had a pretty rocky relationship, my two boys are my world, but my miscarriages seem to haunt me on a day to day basis. its the image in my head, ive held in my hands my losses, wishing to save them, blaming myself everytime.

Ive never spoken about it, but have been severely depressed for a long time about it, reading all your stories on here i feel so guilty

Kasterborous Thu 24-Oct-13 21:18:26

taffleee you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know where you are coming from. We had six miscarriages before we had our DD, I think when you finally have a child you see even more what you lost, you have seen the end result and it is no less hard to deal with even when you have a child. You still lost those babies. I had a MMC one Christmas and had a D&C on Christmas Eve and had to stay in overnight because I was unwell. Every Christmas since I've thought about it. Last Christmas was the first with our DD and it hit me really hard out of the blue.

You don't need to feel guilty because you have got children, or about being depressed over your miscarriages at all.

I only discoverd Mumsnet after I had DD I wish I had know it existed when we were going through our miscarriages for help and support.

taffleee Thu 24-Oct-13 22:23:15

Kaster thank you so much for your response, I've never spoken about this, and think your kind words of understanding about this mean more than you know.

Thank you x

Bakingtins Thu 24-Oct-13 22:32:26

Taffleee no need to feel guilty, or to think you are better or worse off than another poster. Everyone deals with this differently.
I have 2 boys who are 7 and 3. In 2009 I had my first MC and was devastated and spent a long time grieving. TTC no 3 I've had a further 3 miscarriages in a year and am pregnant again. It has been a complete roller coaster of emotions, tests, treatment and trying again and I have no doubt at some point when I can process it all there will be further emotional fall-out.
If you are carrying around a lot of grief that is affecting your daily life or your mental well-being then you need some help to process it. Talking on here helps a lot, but you may need to seek some counselling. No shame at all in that.
If you've never really had anyone to talk to about it, why not start by writing your story. Plenty of us who have experienced something similar who are happy to listen.

Kasterborous Thu 24-Oct-13 22:34:52

I'm glad to have been able to offer a bit of help taffleee one of the biggest things I found helped me is knowing that we aren't the only ones feeling like it and that it is okay and normal to feel sad for a long time afterwards. You never get over miscarriage, you just learn to live with it. I've found it does suddenly hit me out of the blue sometimes and I accept I will feel sad for a few days now, and don't try to hide it or feel guilty about it, just because we now have a child doesn't stop me from feeling sad about the ones that never were.

taffleee Thu 24-Oct-13 23:04:22

One of the reason i'm on here, talking, is because in the past three days i've got someone out of my life, who in every argument told me to 'reach down the toilet', for 6 years, in every row ive been called a baby killer - im so sorry, im crying my eyes out writing this but i haven't spoken about it -

notanyanymore Thu 24-Oct-13 23:08:49

tafflee I'm so glad that person is out of you life. This is a really good place to talk, you'll find a lot of support x

taffleee Thu 24-Oct-13 23:09:41

I don't want pity, it was my fault for letting this person stay in my life, they not here now, nor will they be again, thank you for talking today, cant believe im venting this stuff, will probably regret posting and feel awful tomorrow lol x

Kasterborous Thu 24-Oct-13 23:12:04

Oh tafflee you are not a baby killer, glad to hear this person is now out of your life. If you have someone telling you these horrible things no wonder you are so down. You sound like you have had a lot to deal with, and sound like a strong lovely person thanks for you.

notanyanymore Thu 24-Oct-13 23:12:14

You won't get pity, but you will get respect for getting away from that person as it is such a difficult thing to do.
You might feel a bit silly tomorrow (although IMO you haven't written anything to be ashamed off) but don't worry, your safe here in your anonimity!

notanyanymore Thu 24-Oct-13 23:15:07

(I've just read that back and it might sound a bit hmm what I mean is I've gotten a bit emotional about a sensitive subject, on MN before and was worried I'd feel silly afterwards. I didn't as it happens, and from what you've written I don't think you should either)

MrsExcited Thu 24-Oct-13 23:20:32

I'll hold your hand, I am in similar circs. Had a 2nd mc on Monday having found out previous Thursday.

Lots of hugs, pm me if you want someone to chat to.

taffleee Thu 24-Oct-13 23:32:47

Thank you, both Not and Kaster x this is my first time on here, I dont get personal with anyone, but after reading thread did, thank you very much x

Kasterborous Thu 24-Oct-13 23:40:18

If you ever want to 'talk' tafflee you can pm me. There are is always someone around on here too who will listen.

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