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How do you deal with pregnant close friends/colleagues?

(32 Posts)
barkingtreefrog Mon 23-Sep-13 20:53:13

I had a mc at 7 weeks that started two and half weeks ago. I'm over the worst emotionally (based on the fact that I managed not to cry either day over the weekend for the first time since it happened) but I am really, really struggling with other people's pregnancies. It took us 22 months to conceive (still trying for our first child) and I hate pregnant women, particularly those that were only ttc for a few months before it happened for them. DP's best mate got married in April. We knew they were going to start ttc soon after the wedding. His wife has not been out drinking recently and keeps making excuses to avoid pre-arranged events that would not be compatible with being pregnant. It's really killing me. If I'm right she's still less than 12 weeks and her EDD will be within a week of when mine would have been. We see them a lot. She's not a particularly close friend of mine (she can be quite catty) so I'm not really even able to be happy for her as a friend iykwim? I have a pregnant colleague who is a month ahead of where I would have been and this is difficult but nowhere near as upsetting.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling like this is going to be the slap in the face that keeps coming and stops me moving on sad. It's bad enough that there are three newborn babies in the same social group, but I just can't find a way to accept the potential same-size-as-mine-would-have-been bump that I will see on a regular basis and witness everyone coo over.

barkingtreefrog Mon 30-Sep-13 21:18:39

rabbit I 'hid' all friends with babies/children on fb, then someone else posted a scan photo and I left altogether! I go into my fb groups but never on the newsfeed! I hope lunch with your friend goes ok and you get another bfp very soon.

crisp thanks for the advice. This woman isn't the type to think before she speaks even though she knows my situation. I've decided avoidance is the best strategy until I feel a lot stronger and/or am pg again! As soon as AF appears I will start taking the clomid again. Hopefully it will work a second time. If not I need to find out whether we still qualify for IVF in January or whether managing to conceive will have put us back to the beginning of the 'trying for two years' criteria. sad Currently leaving head in the sand over that one blush .

S1mmy Tue 29-Oct-13 15:44:37

A big hug and condolences to you all that have experienced this. I had a MC this year, it devastated me. I was "OK", for the first week or so, then I came crashing down and down. Thinking I was emotionally ok, I met one of my best friends who then announced she was pg. I was overjoyed for her but my heart was breaking inside. When she got home, her DH told her about my MC and she called me. For the next following weeks, I would get text messages about her pg, morning sickness etc etc. Later, I told her I wasn't emotionally ok to deal with her and her pg texts or meeting her to see her bump. Told her I was going into hibernation.
I was so glad I went into hibernation for a few months. My DH supported me throughout this period, staying at home, not wanting to see friends and avoiding any baby related.
Our friend spent her whole pg proclaiming to the whole world she was pg, announced it at 7 weeks (to my disdain) and everytime we were out, she would find some way to tell everyone she was pregnant! Can I have my steak well done, I am pregnant. Can you move my your chair, I can't get past because of my bump, can you hold my bag, I am tired because I am pregnant. She didn't need a megaphone! We have visited her, but have kept distance and gave it a few months.
Advice my friend gave was that women are sometimes living in a pregnancy bubble and unaware of how they being pregnant can affect other people such as other women that have tragically MC. Its not their fault, they are not doing this intentionally and you shouldnt break friendships because of this.
Some time apart from the world is totally ok, you need time yourself to reflect, think about what happened, reminisce about your baby and support you and your partner through a tough time. And, if friends are in your face with bumps and baby talk, you can tell them to step away, or you leave! if they are your friend, they will understand.
Finally, for those people that say "don't worry, you will have another, you are young etc etc". what a total load of unsympathetic rubbish. Although, the reality of having another baby is very great, you/ we are not sad about the thought of not being able to have another, but we are mourning the loss of the one we had and we actually want that one back.

tsw Thu 14-Nov-13 15:01:39

It is a horrible thing to go through & having lost at term, listening to children, seeing babies, seeing expectant mums was traumatising!

One of my good friends was 12 weeks pregnant (which I knew about for a while) when I lost my baby & I decided that I needed to carry on, go back to work, try again & embrace my love/grief for my little baby.

I have, though very hard, reminded myself that all these strangers whether they are children or babies or expectant mums don't deserve my hate or my anger or my jealousy. They are doing what they should & it is not their fault I am not. I am a strong character anyway so persevered with it & am okay now (7 months on) but there is a little bit of me that chokes up when I read or hear about mums taking home babies with "traumatic experiences" or refusing medical advice by having homebirths when they aren't low risk. I can't get past that particular irritation.

Anyway, my point is that you will survive & all these other people don't matter. What matters is you & your family. x

Chottie Sun 17-Nov-13 05:56:12

barking I feel your pain. I lost a baby and my neighbour had a baby on the date my baby would have been born. I went over to congratulate her and take a present. I was dreading it, but actually when I held her baby, it healed something within me.

There isn't a solution, I think you just have to acknowledge your feeling, just deal with what you can and be kind to yourself. It's raw, empty feeling as if you have one layer of skin less.

squizita Thu 21-Nov-13 13:12:30

All I can do is second what Tayto said. Very wise words.

Something to add is to remember that this is part of the process of mourning a miscarriage - I find remembering this as a mantra helps me separate my envy/sadness with 'displacement' and actually 'justifying to myself' as if the pregnant woman has done something wrong. It's a fine line but one I never want to cross (I had to leave a facebook group once, when a woman ranted that baby food aisles in supermarkets should be covered like tabbacco stands and babies kept out of parks and shopping centres... she was so hurt, she couldn't quite see that we all want a healthy baby and that it was her pain, not reasonable thought, talking there).

I also think: what if that's me next year? A more positive way I suppose! So I might even tell the woman I've "had problems" and "baby stuff makes me sad sometimes" or just steer clear.

squizita Thu 21-Nov-13 13:27:24

TSW yes people who poo-poo doctors and hospital births when they shouldn't make me angry and scared. angry But I have some sympathy for women who, being sensible, have traumatic births. So much can go wrong, don't we just know it, and in the midst of horrific pain and confusion with the medics looking scared and worried... horrible. Today's traumatic births were the past's dead women and still births (my aunt lost a child in birth who would have been a 'tricky birth' today in the UK). Also several of my friends have ongoing painful conditions after having big babies: yes, they are blessed to have a child, but it doesn't mean I don't sympathise with them walking with a stick or lifelong toilet issues.

Parsley2506 Sun 24-Nov-13 18:52:05

Some great advice here. I found out my SIL was also pregnant (3 weeks behind me) a week before I found out about my MC. I haven't seen her or BIL since then (currently hiding upstairs while he drops some of DH's things off) and tbh am completely dreading it. Of course I am happy for them both, they already have one daughter and have been ttc #2 for longer than we were ttc our #1 (which was 18 months), but she's about a week off being able to announce hers and I know I can't deal with all the overjoyed family/friend reactions when we have been robbed of our own DC.
I feel guilty, like I'm being mean or spiteful, but it's just that i genuinely can't handle the emotions involved at the moment and I don't know how to explain this to them when I can't even face being in the same room!

My best friend, who has been very supportive so far, is 7 months along now with her first and I weirdly don't have the same feelings there. I actually WANT to see her and find out how she's doing. Ditto for a good friend I don't see very often who has same EDD as I had, but she has been through hell and back to get her BFP so I guess that's different.

I think we just have to let ourselves feel what we feel and not beat ourselves up for being angry, bitter or resentful from time to time. MC is hard enough to cope with without berating yourself for how you feel about it. When it all gets too much, coming somewhere like this forum is the best therapy IMO!

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