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How do you deal with pregnant close friends/colleagues?

(32 Posts)
barkingtreefrog Mon 23-Sep-13 20:53:13

I had a mc at 7 weeks that started two and half weeks ago. I'm over the worst emotionally (based on the fact that I managed not to cry either day over the weekend for the first time since it happened) but I am really, really struggling with other people's pregnancies. It took us 22 months to conceive (still trying for our first child) and I hate pregnant women, particularly those that were only ttc for a few months before it happened for them. DP's best mate got married in April. We knew they were going to start ttc soon after the wedding. His wife has not been out drinking recently and keeps making excuses to avoid pre-arranged events that would not be compatible with being pregnant. It's really killing me. If I'm right she's still less than 12 weeks and her EDD will be within a week of when mine would have been. We see them a lot. She's not a particularly close friend of mine (she can be quite catty) so I'm not really even able to be happy for her as a friend iykwim? I have a pregnant colleague who is a month ahead of where I would have been and this is difficult but nowhere near as upsetting.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm feeling like this is going to be the slap in the face that keeps coming and stops me moving on sad. It's bad enough that there are three newborn babies in the same social group, but I just can't find a way to accept the potential same-size-as-mine-would-have-been bump that I will see on a regular basis and witness everyone coo over.

lighthousesea Mon 23-Sep-13 21:02:34

I don't have any advice but just to let you know I'm going through the same.

RubyrooUK Mon 23-Sep-13 21:08:38

Sorry for your loss.

I've had a few miscarriages, which were devastating. And I found it very hard to deal with friends' pregnancies sometimes.

My advice would be:

Be kind to yourself. If it is hard to see pregnant people, excuse yourself for a while. Allow yourself to feel sad. This is a bereavement.

Talk about it to your partner if you can. I found that voicing my worst feelings to my DH allowed me to cry and move past them a bit. So I would say "I am feeling shit because X was complaining today how she got pregnant by mistake and it's not fair etc..." and then have a cry. Then I felt like I had acknowledged those feelings.

Try to remember they are not having your baby. They are having a baby but it is not your baby. It is not the baby you want - just an unrelated other child in the world.

For some people, having a memorial for the baby helps a bit. For me, I chose to remember my last loss by buying a beautiful silk scarf so I can think of my baby while wearing it. That might be too cheesy for you, but it helped me come to terms with it a bit, which made everything else easiest.

Good luck. X

barkingtreefrog Mon 23-Sep-13 21:21:10

Thank you for your replies. My biggest problem is the timing. I'd already pictured my bump at various key dates. She'll be there at all these dates with the bump that I'd pictured on me. I'm just insanely envy. I genuinely don't think I would have had this much of a problem if she was ahead of me and the dates didn't tie up.

fackinell Mon 23-Sep-13 21:51:04

Totally sympathise treefrog. I'm in the throes of what I'm certain is MC no 2. All my symptoms are vanishing as my cramps get worse. My first, last summer, was due in jan the same time as a customer and it killed me seeing her bump! This time it took a year to even fall pg again and it just gutting.

I have no advice really, just empathising. thanks

Chottie Mon 23-Sep-13 21:56:36

A huge hug to you. I went through this too. My neighbour over the road had a baby the same week my miscarried baby was due. I forced myself to go over the road with a card and a present. When I gave her baby a cuddle all the envy and bitterness disappeared and I was glad her baby had arrived safely. A year later, it was her coming over the road to give my new baby a cuddle smile

RubyrooUK Mon 23-Sep-13 22:04:02

Sorry, I don't think I have any brilliant advice. My SIL got pregnant within a couple of weeks of me for one of my miscarriages and so I had a similar issue - our due dates were in the same month. Every time we saw each other, her pregnancy reminded me of what I had lost. You can imagine how much DH's mum went on and on about her pregnancy too.

I found things were actually worst early on when the miscarriage was so fresh in my mind. All my hormones were racing and I was at my most jealous.

Later on, when I had made a plan for how I would recover (visit fertility clinic, wait a few months before trying again to get over things emotionally, do fun things I couldn't do when pregnant etc) I found it less difficult.

Although often, if I was really dreading the family events, we didn't go or I told myself that I would never want someone else to go through what I had so I would force myself to be cheerful and eventually I was. It helped that by the time the due date came around, I was newly pregnant myself and could focus on the new baby. I will hope the same is true for you.

All the best. X

pleasestophidingskinnygirl Mon 23-Sep-13 22:04:56

As prev said be kind to yourself. I can totally relate to everything u said. Its a horrible time and I do remember a lot of fake smiling and excusing myself to cry in the loo.
This will pass, I know how annoying that sounds but it really will.

barkingtreefrog Mon 23-Sep-13 22:12:33

Thanks again for the replies, it's comforting to know others understand.

Ruby it helps to know that your feelings of jealousy did abate after some more time had passed. It just feels so cruel to be constantly reminded not just of another pg, but specifically a pg you could have been sharing. I feel like I am starting to deal with the mc and can look forwards and try to be positive about our chances of getting pg again and having a successful pg, but this is like a separate issue I can't get my head round.

Bumblebzz Mon 23-Sep-13 22:53:31

Just posting to say I know how you feel. We tried for over 3 years, got pregnant and lost our baby due to an mc at 11weeks. That was in Jan and even now I still struggle not to feel sad and jealous and I was particularly tough when friends announced their third pregnancy whic was an accident.
Don't be tough on yourself. We are not made of stone.

Pawprint Tue 24-Sep-13 04:30:48

It's horrible, isn't it? I had the same problem when I was coping with miscarriages. There was my cousin and a colleague, both due on what would have been my due date.

I hated pregnant women too; it's normal to feel angry. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone.

Even now that I have ds, now eleven, I still remember the sorrow. There is a maternity/baby supply shop in my town and I always have to look away from the dummies with bumps that are in the window! They just remind me of how the world seemed full of bumps sad

barkingtreefrog Tue 24-Sep-13 18:12:22

Thanks paw and bumble. Just feel so hopeless, I know it 'takes time' but I feel so sad and weighed down all the time. Pg colleague started wearing maternity clothes today. So envy .

NanaNina Tue 24-Sep-13 20:17:03

I think it's a cruel twist of fate that when going through a mc, you see pregnant women everywhere. Give yourself permission to hate pg women - ok it's a negative emotion but over time it will shrink into something more manageable. I'm sure you know that one third of pregnancies end in mc - usually in the first 12 weeks. My DIL has had several mcs but now has one beautiful lovely girl. I so hope it's not too long before you are holding your own baby.

LittleTulip Tue 24-Sep-13 23:32:05

Funny I should be reading this today!

4 weeks ago my baby boy was stillborn at 25 weeks and boy has it been a rollercoaster. I continuously find myself getting angry, jealous, upset at all those pregnant around me. A close friend of mine is currently 16 weeks pregnant, at the earlier stages all we talked about was having play dates and going shopping and now she'll be doing all that and not me. I have to be a bystander and it kills me!

Then there's the other friend who's just had a baby boy, not seen her yet. Then the other friend who is 4 weeks ahead of me who is just about to go on maternity leave. And now today I have found out of another couple who are pregnant, she is also 16 weeks but they didn't tell us sooner because of our circumstances! At their news I just burst out crying. All I could think about is that my boy would have been in the same school year as their children and now they are all going to live their lives and move on and have play dates whilst I'll be lonely and wallowing..

We had also been trying for 18 months and this was our first pregnancy. It's shit!

I'm sorry my post probably isn't very helpful but I definitely know what you are going through. The bereavement nurse made a point to me that this is going to happen regardless, after all we are all of child-bearing age as are our close acquaintances. I suppose we just have to get used to it and hope we can eventually have our own little ones

fackinell Tue 24-Sep-13 23:50:25

LittlleTulip, I'm so very sorry for your loss. That must have been very painful for you in a way that I wouldn't even comprehend at my eight week MC. sad thanks

LunaticFringe Wed 25-Sep-13 00:04:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

barkingtreefrog Wed 25-Sep-13 06:53:40

tulip I am so sorry, I can't imagine feeling any more raw than I still am right now but I didn't ever see a scan with a heartbeat so it must be a lot easier to cope with than what you are going through. As everyone keeps reminding me, up to 50% of early pgs end in miscarriages, but you feel safer after 12 weeks and then 20 weeks.

I'm biased as I'm also still ttc #1, but it seems particularly cruel when it's your first child and it has been such a long journey and so much heartache just getting to the point of being pregnant.
I hope you have a good support network around you to get you through this thanks . I just want to come and give you a hug.

Pawprint Wed 25-Sep-13 07:58:43

Tulip that's so sad. I am sorry about your little boy.

It is very hard to deal with other people's pregnancies.

Hessy Fri 27-Sep-13 09:11:40

Sitting in the women's health waiting room, surrounded by glowing pregnant women, waiting for a scan to find out if my miscarriage has finished is doing NOTHING for my levels of empathy and kindness towards them. I sat here three years ago with my green book, excitedly waiy

Hessy Fri 27-Sep-13 09:14:42

Sitting in the women's health waiting room, surrounded by glowing pregnant women, waiting for a scan to find out if my miscarriage has finished is doing NOTHING for my levels of empathy and kindness towards them. I sat here three years ago with my green book, excitedly waiting for a scan for my ds, completely oblivious to the fact this is also the waiting room for miscarrying women sad

fackinell Fri 27-Sep-13 17:13:07

Oh Hessy, that's really shit sad
Why can't they have a separate room for bereaved parents.

When I had my MC and left EPAC I went straight out and bought a bottle of wine. For some reason it made me feel slightly better that I could and they couldn't in a 'fuck you lot' kind of way.

Not that I advocate turning to alcohol!!

barkingtreefrog Fri 27-Sep-13 18:30:53

Hessy it is unbelievably shit and it seems to happen everywhere. I also sat waiting for my scan in a room full of pg women. At least afterwards they let us wait in a side room rather than go back to the waiting room before we spoke to the nurse. A friend of mine who has been ttc since we have said all the tests she had to do at her gp for the fertility clinic referral were scheduled at the same time as the baby clinic and midwife services so all the women who had been ttc over a year had to sit there waiting with bumps and babies. Surely that's just unnecessary insensitivity?

barkingtreefrog Fri 27-Sep-13 23:03:57

Worst fears confirmed. The couple I referred to in my first post have just told DP they're pg. And she's within 2 weeks of where I would have been. I know there are bigger issues in the world and other people are worse off, but right now I'm just dreading the next 6 months and desperately hoping my cycles return soon so I can take the clomid again and hopefully get my own bump before I'm totally eaten up by seeing hers all the time.

MissRabbitRules Mon 30-Sep-13 14:43:49

Hi all just seeing this now. I had my first MC at 10 weeks back in 2010. The week I was off having my ERPC one of my team announced her pregnancy which was just awful though I wasn't particularly close to her. I left the team not long after. I was lucky to get a BFP just 2 months after and my DD was born almost a year to the day of my ERPC. I have just had my second MC and ERPC. On the day the MC was confirmed one of my colleagues told me she was pregnant. We are quite close though I haven't been able to tell her. She has been through a tough time over the last year and I am really pleased for her. However I am finding it really difficult. She keeps posting on fb about how sick she is being, fab she is getting etc I think I may have to hide her updates for a while. Going for lunch with her tomorrow which is going to be tough. It seems really nasty thinking like this. We are going to keep TTC. I am hoping to get another BFP quickly as I don't think I can cope with my friend going through her pregnancy just a month ahead to where I would have been.

TaytoCrisp Mon 30-Sep-13 16:52:32

Barking - this is just so rotten for you. And a terrible mixture of envy, jealously, guilt and sadness :-(. Sending you a hug. I recognise a lot of what you describe. It can be lonely following mc, i really found it hard standing outside the nursery with two ladies who were heavily pregnant, the same point as i would have been - they had lots to share and were intensely interested in each others experience, whereas i stood outside of their cosy circle feeling so envious and sad. Had i not had the mc im sure i would be chatting alongside them looking forward to the months ahead.Instead i felt like an outsider, and hated them in that moment.

There is good advice above. I suppose at low points i find it good to:

- Be gentle with yourself; your feelings are very understandable.

- Don't push yourself too much ; if you don't want to see a pregnant friend/acquaintance, don't.

- Later it might be helpful to you to talk with DPs friends wife and explain that you find it hard after your own loss. It is important that your loss is acknowledged, and might help you manage difficult emotions

- When you feel ready it might be helpful to start thinking about what options are there for you and your DH, and what positive steps you can take for a successful outcome in the future... Hopefully there are some tests / interventions that can be of use to you.

- My DH is pretty quiet in general, but as ruby suggested above, i also find it helpful to let him know if i am upset.

Hope you are ok Barking. I must say it does get easier but there are still some people/ situations that get to you. For me, i can only see that lifting fully if i was to get pregnant, though then id have to find a way to deal with anxiety (!)..Not easy.

Sending you courage and hope. XXX

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