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Miscarried yesterday

(19 Posts)
AGR Thu 29-Aug-13 23:10:57

I lost my baby yesterday at nearly 9 weeks. I knew it was coming after bleeding for the previous 5 days. We had a scan on Tuesday that showed a baby with a heartbeat that we saw and heard. And then yesterday the bleeding started. Lots of clots and then the embryo came out into my hand. Another scan yesterday evening, of course there was nothing left. Just a matter of waiting for this awful, painful bleeding to stop. I've never felt so lost and utterly sad. I can't sleep even though I'm exhausted.
I've been signed off work by my doctor for two weeks, which I think I need. However, I'm a primary teacher, term starts next week. I've got nothing ready. Was meant to be in this week and that hasn't happened. I know my head will not be happy that I'm not there for the start of the year, she's possibly the most unsympathetic person I've ever met. Don't know what to do about it all.
It's all just too much.
Sorry for such an epic post. I just needed to get it all out.
Thank you for reading.

AlfalfaMum Thu 29-Aug-13 23:27:22

I'm so sorry.
You are going through grief, on top of the physical pain of the miscarriage. You will feel better with time, but for now go easy on yourself, try not to worry about the work thing too much. You and your health are more important.
Eat as well as you can, even if you can only manage soup or a smoothie, take vitamins and iron because your body will be depleted from the pregnancy.

It might help to do something to commemorate your baby, plant a tree or shrub maybe, and bury a note underneath pouring out your feelings. Or whatever ritual you feel might bring comfort.

DownstairsMixUp Thu 29-Aug-13 23:28:20

I'm sorry. sad I'm going through the same thing but i have to have an erpc as it won't come away, if you need to PM me i am here, it's a very sad feeling sad

grants1000 Thu 29-Aug-13 23:34:08

So sorry to hear this, i feel for you I really do, as I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks some years ago. The blood loss make me feel horrific for about 2 weeks, I think it was one of the most saddest moments of my life.

You've been signed off, so stay off. Can you contact the head and other colleagues who could help cover for you? I am sure they will want to help at a time like this.

The physical affects should not be underestimated, nor should the emotional ones. Take care of you, the rest of your life will get on without you for a while.

AGR Thu 29-Aug-13 23:36:10

Thank you both. It was cathartic to just write it all down.
I like the idea of a plant to commemorate the baby.
Thank you again.

Bezza2508 Fri 30-Aug-13 07:28:16

I'm very sorry for your loss. You are grieving and you need to give yourself time to do that. I went back to work two weeks after my MMC and it was very difficult because once you are back at work, people just assume you are fine. My boss is not very sympathetic either but I have found that it is helpful to talk to other friends and colleagues and at least they can then support you when you are having a bad day. Look after yourself xx

Bakingtins Fri 30-Aug-13 07:51:45

AGR and downstairs I am v sorry for your losses. You really need this time to recuperate physically and to feel a little stronger emotionally. Look at it this way,you'd be no good to your class at the moment, would you? Once you are back at work they will be just as full on as they normally are, though you may find some colleagues who are sympathetic and can lighten your load a bit to start with. Don't worry about the head, pregnancy related sick leave can't be counted against you in any official sense so she'll just have to find cover. You didn't plan for this to happen purely to inconvenience her.
I think the commemoration idea is really important. Normally when someone dies there are all sorts of social rituals (condolence cards, memorial services, funeral, wake, support for close family for some time) that help the bereaved. None of that happens for a miscarriage and people don't know what to say, so often they say nothing, or manage to put their foot in it. If you can have your own way of celebrating and remembering the significance of your baby's life, however short, it will help you to grieve. Other ideas; a tree or plant (can you find one associated with remembrance or with a name you were considering, or that flowers at this time of year or on due date?) light a candle, release a helium balloon or lantern possibly with a message attached, write a poem, make an entry in the hospital book of remembrance, choose a piece of memorial jewellery, but a charity gift in memory of baby, raise some money for Tommy's or the Miscarriage Association.....
Keep posting, it really helps to have somewhere to let it all out.

thobblywighs Fri 30-Aug-13 09:08:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also a teacher and lost a baby at the same stage of the summer holidays. I did go back to work at the start of term though as I think that I was on autopilot and wanted to pretend that it hadn't happened. I coped ok but I don't think that it did me any favours in the long run as, after the initial sympathies, as you know, school life is so fast paced and you really do hit the ground running. I bled for weeks and ended up quite unwell. I was well past the 12 week stage and so people knew that I had been pregnant before the holidays had started and I was amazed how many of the staff spoke to me quietly and told me that they had lost babies in the past (which obviously you'd never know) and these people were the most helpful as they understood what it is like.

Take as long as you need and try not to worry about school. It really does function when we are not there...

Taffeta Fri 30-Aug-13 09:13:04

Didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 2 MMCs and 2 DCs , and would say I was really surprised by some of the support and genuine sympathy and in some cases empathy. It are from the most unlikely people, so I hope this is the case with your head.

Taffeta Fri 30-Aug-13 09:13:40

Came not are. Stupid icrap.

Lancashire21 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:04:39

I am so sorry to see your news. Do stay off, put yourself first. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

AGR Fri 30-Aug-13 10:25:08

Thank you all so much for the support. Had an awful night last night and woke up this morning to the most horrific pain and bleeding so far.
I just feel all at sea. Can't make any decisions about anything. My husband has been amazing and is doing everything.
I'm trying to not think about work for now, but it's hard. It is full on at the start of term and I just don't think I'd cope at the moment.

mikkii Fri 30-Aug-13 10:30:27

I'm sorry for your loss.

I also had a MMC. MC IS more common than you realise, it's like a secret club that you don't get to know about until you've joined.

You've been signed off, take as long as you need, even if you have to go back and ask to be signed off again.

DownstairsMixUp Fri 30-Aug-13 10:53:19

Take as much time off as you need, no hard or fast rules about how quick we should get over these things, it takes time. So sorry for your loss x

Thatssofunny Fri 30-Aug-13 13:49:36

Sorry for your loss. sad

Especially because the start of term is such a hectic time, it's important that you take some time out. People will understand and there are usually colleagues that will be happy to cover for you. (If you are lucky, you'll get an amazing cover teacher getting your class sorted and settled before you get back.)
I had my mc shortly before the holidays, but was only off for two days (and a weekend). Its the first time I've been off without leaving planning or instructions. However, I never had any bad bleeding or physically I was fine. Mentally, I just went on autopilot, like thobbly, during the last few days. My class went outside a lot...(and got a lot of extra playtime. That's not an option at the beginning of term.)
My HT isn't the most "cuddly" person either, but understands that this isn't a situation where you mess with people. Several of my colleagues are aware of what happened and for me that helped. People surprise you sometimes.
One of my colleagues had a mmc a few weeks earlier and was off for a lot longer. Nobody said anything about her not being there during SATs time. Her class got sorted; it was fine.
I think as teachers we sometimes believe everything will fall apart when we aren't there. It doesn't.
Take the time you need to recover. Setting up a class at the beginning takes strength and focus. No point wobbling about because you didn't want to get your HT cross.

grants1000 Thu 05-Sep-13 23:33:55

How are you AGR? smilethankswineI hope you a feeling a bit better, been thinking about you, such a tough time.

bugoven Fri 06-Sep-13 08:48:06

I have/am having a MC at 6 - 7 weeks. Went to school (work) not wanting to miss the start of term and found myself feeling very ill and coming home as the miscarriage wasn't complete.

Look after yourself. You are so important and probably a fantastic teacher who needs some time to recover both physically and emotionally. When you go back you will be stronger for it Xx

AGR Mon 09-Sep-13 18:31:12

Sorry, I've only just seen the most recent replies. I am feeling much stronger. Had a complete meltdown last Thursday and was really honest with my DH about blaming myself. He was brilliant. It really helped that I told him how I was feeling. Back to school on Thursday and feel ready for it. Quite honestly, there's no way I would have been able to go back last week. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words.

bugoven Tue 10-Sep-13 20:48:26

AGR I hope your return to work isn't too hard. i think you have been sensible to stay off. I go back Thursday too. Keep talking about how you feel and letting yourself have a cry. Be kind to yourself and good luck for next time Xx

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