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Have miscarried at eleven weeks

(32 Posts)
MortifiedAdams Tue 20-Aug-13 15:37:40

Dont know what I want from this thread, maybe just to talk will help.

Pink discharge started a few days ago, then brown blood, then yesterday lots of fresh red blood and clots. Booked at EPAU for tomorrow 11am but in the meantime I had major bleeding and cramping and eventually passed the baby.

It was tiny, with limbs, although not massively developed, and I could see its spine through the skin sad

I feel all at sea. We have a little girl, who is staying at Nannas house tonight.

2beornot Fri 23-Aug-13 07:49:35

I only really told people on a need to know basis ie to explain why I was letting them down. But then I had already told a lot of people I was preg.

I can't answer the aching bit, I'm afraid. Luckily I never had that, but I'd say if its still there nxt week you should go back to docs

MortifiedAdams Thu 22-Aug-13 21:51:09

Can I ask? How long til I stop aching? My back and hips are sore...Im having cramping on a par with a bad period and am just alnost constantly attached to my hot water bottle.

Noggie Thu 22-Aug-13 16:59:08

So sorry you have miscarried. It is such as sad time. Make sure you rest and take care of yourself as much as possible. I think it is really hard for people to know what to say- my mum thought a miscarriage was just like a heavy period hmm- she didn't get the grief at all. Fortunately my dad was better- turned up with chocolate and was genuinely upset for me. Definitely give yourself plenty of time and space- I was off work for 2 weeks but found going back to work really hard. It is also tough trying to get on with looking after a little one when you feel so sad. Take care x

DangoDays Thu 22-Aug-13 16:38:53

Hmm I did tell some friends. Mostly when it came up and the moment felt right. I told people later on rather than immediately as I got support from a few really close to me, mostly hubby and a couple of really thoughtful friends.

A friend who I confided in at the time (was 4 years ago - now have ds) recently had a miscarriage. She told me that at the time she couldn't understand why I was so upset but now has found herself consumed with grief since her own loss. I will say it made her no less supportive at the time but just that shared experience can mean you have a really good ear.

I will add that anyone I did tell a little further on did not feel like they'd been excluded. I don't think true friends would react that way. So please put that aside. I am sure your friends would want to support you. Take care.

Bambamb Thu 22-Aug-13 16:34:32

I told friends next time we were having a chat, as we did the whole "how are you" bit I just said I was a bit low actually as I'd just had a miscarriage. I was very lucky in that everyone close to me was really sympathetic, more than I expected. In fact prior to my own miscarriage I don't think I would have been that understanding of someone else having one (I'm ashamed to admit) as I was clueless about how attached you can get to something so tiny in just a few weeks. I didn't understand until I experienced it myself.
The only person who was not very sympathetic or understanding towards me was my dad but he is a bit weird emotionally anyway and I barely have a relationship with him, don't know why I told him. Suppose I thought he would be worried at the fact id had blood transfusions etc but no such luck.
Aaaanyway, this is about you not me, sorry.
Just tell them in the normal course of a conversation and hopefully they'll be supportive.

MortifiedAdams Thu 22-Aug-13 16:25:29

What did you all do with friends who didnt even know you were pg? I have three very close friends, one of whom knew. The other two didnt as one isnt fussed about kids and the other has just got married.

I dont know what to do - I feel like they should know just so they dont feel like ive kept it from them, but similarly, Im struggling to picture when and where it will happen.

DangoDays Thu 22-Aug-13 13:44:39

Oh so sorry to hear you have gone through this. It is such a tough time and not helped by insensitive reactions where grief is not recognised. Unfortunately too common for those of us who have experienced it but means there are those who understand here and ready to listen.

Rest and look after your needs. Agree good to take the time off. Like 2beornot I went back too soon and really needed longer to feel better. I found a good loud sob to be a real release iykwim.

Bambamb Thu 22-Aug-13 13:41:03

I'm very sorry for your loss. You definitely should take time off work to recover both physically and emotionally. I have had two natural miscarriages and took 3 weeks off both times. After the first I was in hospital for a while and needed blood transfusions. In hindsight I should have taken longer off work that time. But everyone is different.
I remember I felt like I'd been physically beaten up the second time. It really is a lot to go through.
Take care of yourself and each other. You will get through it, time does heal. Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Xxx

sydenhamhiller Thu 22-Aug-13 13:32:17

Oops- posted to soon!
I was going to add : look uncomfortable.

I found it a tough time, and had a 6 and 8 year old to pretend to. This message board was a godsend, it really helped to know there were people who 'knew' how I felt.

Thinking of you, and look after yourself.

sydenhamhiller Thu 22-Aug-13 13:30:32

I am so sorry to hear this-- similar happened to me (12 weeks, but missed mc at about 8 weeks). No one except DH knew I was pregnant, and when I told a few people, most just don't know what to say, and l

Bakingtins Thu 22-Aug-13 13:23:44

Mort I'm so sorry you lost your baby. You've done the right thing by taking the time off to allow yourselves to grieve and recuperate. It's horrible when people you love say the wrong thing. So many people want to minimise the loss because they can't handle how much you are hurting.
I've had 4MC and my parents still haven't really worked out what to say. My Dad tends to come out with the classic "oh, there's enough love in your family for another one" (thanks Dad, I guess this one died because I didn't love it enough then?) It's a hard situation to empathise with unless you have been through similar yourself. flowers

2beornot Thu 22-Aug-13 12:23:27

I'm sorry you're parents didn't react how you wanted/needed them to. My mum also started with the trying again nonsense, plus it would be easier this time because I've had a 'clear out'. Yes a clear out of MY BABY you stupid woman!!

Good for you taking time off. I went back far too soon and really wish I had taken another few days off.

MortifiedAdams Thu 22-Aug-13 11:47:32

Mmm maybe that is it.

Getting a sicknote now, have holiday booked for a weeks time, so taking a week ssp then will hopefully return after annual leave.

kelda Thu 22-Aug-13 11:31:55

Lots of people don't really understand what a miscarriage is like, particulary one at 12 weeks. They don't understand that you saw and held your tiny babysad; they assume it would have been like a heavy period.

MortifiedAdams Thu 22-Aug-13 11:27:59

Last night was hard - it finally hit us. The memory of the actual miscarriage is upseting me and dh is greiving for the little boy or girl the baby would have become.

It breaks my heart to see him so sad.

Telling my parents was a shock - my dm instantly retorted that we are young and can try again. My dad stayed quiet. No hugs, nothing.

I got.more sympathy from the lady at my scan yesterday. Its making me feel sick.

Vatta Thu 22-Aug-13 09:11:34

So sorry Adams.

In terms of taking time off, it's realistic to need at least 2 weeks, my GP told me not to go back before then. Physically your body is going through a lot, and emotionally you're grieving for your baby.

I actually stayed off for a month in total, felt I needed to.

Talking about it on here helps.

bluelighthouse Thu 22-Aug-13 08:53:24

It's so horrible, although I am finding some great support in this forum. It's such a hidden thing that you feel like you are the only one going through it on the rl. It feels like every friend has just announced a pregnancy or a new baby since I found out too. I was looking forward to breaking this wonderful news, now I just have to pretend like nothing has happened the past three months.

I'm also struggling with the idea that the baby died before I realised. It makes me question my body - even though I know this often happens.

Please look after yourself. I will probably end up with a long period off work. I can't think about going back yet. Keep talking on here if you need to.

IrisWildthyme Wed 21-Aug-13 22:43:46

No don't go back to work till you are ready. You will have a better recovery in the long run if you take all the time you need now. If you are still bleeding and aching you are not well enough to go back to work. Get a sick note, look after yourself, and stop thinking about work - it can wait till after your holiday.

Wishing you strength for getting through the pain of telling your parents about it.

2beornot Wed 21-Aug-13 22:40:44

Take more time off if you need it. Your gp will totally understand and I'm sure they'll write you a sick note. Personally I'd rather have sick leave and take the holiday for when you can enjoy it.

I presume your parents don't know? Of course they'll be upset and will wish they were there but you won't have ruined their trip. They won't give it a single thought and neither should you x

MortifiedAdams Wed 21-Aug-13 21:58:44

2b so sorry to hear your story - this really is very common isnt it? I have a work friend who went through this about a year ago too.

A few people.knew about the pregnancy so telling them has been hard but they have been so wonderful.

My parents return from their holidays tomorrow and I really dont know when to tell them I dont want to ruin the memories of their trip but they will want me to speak up. My mam will be devastated that she wasnt here. I forsee a lot.of tears tomorrow.

I am constantly thinking about work - I asled for a few days off but know of I need any more Im.going to need a sicknote. I dont know what to do. Im still bleeding and aching and sort of want that to finish before I go back, but then I have holidays in from the middle of next week and kind of think if i can push myself back sat and sun I can then take holiday instead of sick leave.

I dont know what to do.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 21-Aug-13 21:50:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2beornot Wed 21-Aug-13 21:39:43

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I'm so sorry you had yo go through that. I had a missed mc at 12 wks (baby dies at 8) but I had a ERPC so didn't have to pass anything myself.

I hope you're managing to get some support from your DH. I found that a surprising number of friends had been through a miscarriage but had kept quiet about it. So speak to friends if you think it will help. It did for me.

Are they sure the mc is complete? It's important that it has as you don't want to get an infection or pass more later.

Look after yourself x

MortifiedAdams Wed 21-Aug-13 19:03:49

Oh I am so sorry Blue it is such a sad time, isnt it.

We left Bean at the hospital. He/she measured eight weeks so am sad thinking of the last three weeks when even thpugh I still had symptoms, it had all finished.

Ive worn myself out today just with a walk to the shops and back so am having a duvet day tomorrow.

bluelighthouse Wed 21-Aug-13 19:00:35

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm currently going through the same thing. I've found talking on here really helps. Please look after your self and take things day by day.

MortifiedAdams Tue 20-Aug-13 16:59:21

Thank you everyone. DH has been amazing. My parents are away til the endof the week so telling them wiell be hard.

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