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What did you do with your miscarried baby?

(27 Posts)
Notannabell Tue 20-Aug-13 02:00:07

Yesterday I miscarried my 12+5 weeks baby. I've spend most of the day (and night) in A&E and am exhausted. I can't sleep though as I can't stop thinking what should I do with my little treasure.
What did you do? Or have you got any ideas?

Mogz Tue 20-Aug-13 02:57:52

So very sorry for your loss.
I think you will be able to contact a local funeral home to ask for arrangements to be made for your angel to be buried or cremated. Dear friends of mine took their little one's ashes home to scatter in the garden and planted a gorgeous tree in memory.
If you're a little lost you could perhaps ask the hospital staff if there is a bereavement councillor for you to talk to, perhaps they will be able to speak with you about more things and help you decide on what is right for you.

Nospringflower Tue 20-Aug-13 03:25:35

I miscarried slightly earlier and baby had died earlier still so very small but I buried baby in the garden and planted a flower on top. I have heard of people planting a tree, rose etc. Can your hospital advise you what is usually done? best wishes or this terrible time.

EssieEttie Tue 20-Aug-13 07:51:38

So sorry to hear of your sad, sad loss. I had a similar time in A&E and we were told the hospital could respectfully cremate the remains but there would be no ashes, or we could take them home to bury. It is almost two years on and I still struggle with the fact that I decided to 'leave my baby at the hospital' but as it is, we will be moving house shortly so I'm equally sure I would not have coped very well leaving baby behind here.

I am so sorry there are no easy answers at such a painful time. Finding ways to remember a baby who dies before you met them is a heartbreaking process. I hope you are able to come to the right decision for you. My thoughts are with you.

HorryIsUpduffed Tue 20-Aug-13 08:07:20

I'm sorry to hear your sad news.

Mine went down the loo sad which was one of the most traumatic moments of my life and spiralled into two years of near-suicidal depression. Given the chance to choose again I would go for something more significant and less routine/humdrum/apologetic.

Be kind to yourself and don't rush any decisions. Good luck x

CelticPromise Tue 20-Aug-13 08:10:42

I miscarried at home and we buried the baby somewhere special to us. I kept it wrapped up in the freezer until we could get there. I know this isn't for everyone but it's just an idea to cope with the practicalities.

The Miscarriage Association has a leaflet online about this with useful suggestions, worth a look.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little baby.

shellmck Tue 20-Aug-13 08:36:35

Sorry to hear of your loss. I MMC in April at 17 weeks, the hospital arranged a burial and our baby was laid to rest with other babys that sadly passed. Take your time to decide what you want to do, I was that distressed at the time I nearly had the baby disposed of which I would have truly regretted. Take care.

Notannabell Tue 20-Aug-13 12:12:22

Thank you for your help.
My hospital offered 'disposal of the fetus' whatever that means but I don't want that.
I will wait a few more days but I think I will bury my baby in a huge pot and plant some flowers on top. We might need to move our flat soon so this way I could take my little one with me.

I was ignored and treated with disrespect by 3 people yesterday, I just don't feel like I can take this today so I really hestitate to contact funeral home.

nearlyreadytopop Tue 20-Aug-13 14:39:43

I'm so sorry for your loss not.
Are you religious at all? I only ask because when I lost my wee one (17 weeks but baby stopped growing at 12) I asked for the hospital chaplin. We had a beautiful blessing and naming of the baby. We agreed to a post mortem and I was able to collect the ashes. These are now in the family plot and I just have to decide how to mark it.

Mogz Tue 20-Aug-13 15:29:25

Nearly, that's a really good idea about talking to the chaplain.

dontputaringonit Tue 20-Aug-13 15:36:31

So sorry for your loss.

I had a mmc which was discovered at my 12 week scan. I didn't do anything with the baby. Tbh at the time I didn't want to deal with it and wanted it 'gone' as soon as possible. I don't regret it. It was the right decision for us at the time.

I think I might have felt differently if I had a bump and felt movement and stuff.

Take care of yourself x

Bakingtins Tue 20-Aug-13 18:22:17

My first one was pulled out in hospital and we spoke to the chaplain. We weren't offered anything individual but they hold a service once a month as the remains of lost babies are cremated together and we were able to contribute a prayer, and make an entry in the hospital book of remembrance. We didn't attend but we could have if we wanted.
Second and third went down the loo, unidentified amongst the torrents of blood. Fourth was caught and sent for karyotyping, then cremated.
For each of them I've planted a tree or shrub in the garden. In the long run it hasn't affected how I've felt about the losses what happened to their remains.
I may be wrong but I don't think a funeral director will deal with a loss without a death certificate which you only get once the baby is classed as stillborn. The chaplain would be the best person to guide you through the options, and they will try to help whether you are of any faith or none.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation and I hope you can make a decision you are at peace with.

Procrastinating Tue 20-Aug-13 18:29:16

So sorry for you Notannabel.
I let mine go down the toilet. It was a conscious decision and I know that sounds awful. I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening I think.

My friend buried hers in her garden, it helped her to plant an area to remember the baby. I think your idea about the flowers in the pot sounds nice.

MortifiedAdams Wed 21-Aug-13 18:52:25

I miscarries yesterday. Bean had stopped growing at eight weeks, and I was eleven weeks when it came away.

We left ours with the hospital. They have a monthly service and all the Beans get a send off then. It didnt feel right to bring Bean home - I dont feel like anything we do will ever be enough, and I dont know if I could bear a physical reminder every day.

I couldnt advise anyone though, it truly is a personal decision and you should never ever feel guilty for whichever step you take.

Bambamb Thu 22-Aug-13 13:50:18

With my first the hospital offered to cremate it and we agreed to that. I was even able to give 'her' a name on the form. The doctor was very kind and that helped a lot. That was at 12 weeks.
My second was at 10 weeks and happened at home. Unfortunately it went down the toilet and I tried my best to find it which was a bit horrific to be honest, eventually I gave up. I would have liked to have buried it if I could to be honest.

wifey6 Fri 23-Aug-13 14:31:57

So sorry for everyone's loses. sad
I had a MMC last April at 12.5 weeks but baby had stopped growing at 7.4 weeks. We were offered, if we made it to the hospital for medical management, a Chaplin to come & bless our baby - which I did find the thought of comforting.
However, our baby left us while I was at home, so I buried it in our garden, a secluded, flowered spot. I get to care for the garden regularly & it's a very special place for me to go.
But you must do what feels right, comfortable for your heart x
So sorry you are going through this. x

TaytoCrisp Sat 24-Aug-13 00:54:18

Sorry that you are experiencing this; and that some people have been disrespectful. I am not sure what exactly your options will be. We had a cremation after our little boy was born at 23 weeks and "respectful disposal' after our tiny girl was born at 14 weeks. The cremation was lovely - just for the two of us and the hospital chaplain. I could not face another formal ceremony again soon after so did not have a formal service (or name our baby) who came at 14 weeks .. And perhaps that was the right thing for us at the time. Take care and be kind to yourself at this difficult time.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sat 24-Aug-13 01:11:16

My first was at 8 weeks and I had a d&c and the hospital i think did a cremation with all the other early mc. 2nd time also around 8 weeks it all happened naturally before i got to the hospital. My 3rd was at 20 weeks and we buried him with my dad.

Maybe talk to the hospital chaplain about the options, you should do what feels right for you

I'm sorry you are going through this

MoominsYonisAreScary Sat 24-Aug-13 01:15:17

I don't know from what point funeral directors will take mc babies but I do know they don't need a death certificate

curlew Sat 24-Aug-13 01:21:32

We took ours to the beach and let the tide take them. It felt very right to us.

I know you don't want to hear this, but it does get better, I promise.

YorkshireTeaDrinker Sat 24-Aug-13 18:58:26

Mine went down the loo (9 weeks) along with alot of blood and associated gubbins. I contemplated fishing it out, but decided I was probably better off not seeing. I think for me, the physical remains of my baby don't hold a great deal of significance, but I have been surprised by how much I want to commemorate the little life I lost in some way. I haven't decided what to do yet, but am contemplating getting some sort of pendant / charm (which is odd, cos I'm not that into jewellery usually).

veee123 Thu 28-Nov-13 09:34:36

I put my little one in a tiny box and put into a plant pot which was memorial plant for nan. I like to think she's with him. I also got some jewellery with foot prints and his birth stone.
Also gave him a name.

lighthousesea Thu 28-Nov-13 15:54:59

Mine is buried in my garden. It was the right thing for me.

Huffpot Fri 29-Nov-13 11:10:36

so sorry to hear of your loss.
We found out we had lost our baby at 18 weeks - baby had died at 14 weeks. We made the decision to bring our baby home with us and we buried her in our garden with a rose bush either side, a stone heart wrapped in a piece of a handmade blanket that had been used for her brothers christenings.
It was a terrible time x

spilttheteaagain Fri 06-Dec-13 12:38:05

My DD died at 20 weeks but was smaller as she'd stopped growing earlier. She was buried in a local cemmetery. We used the Co-op and they were brilliant.

I'm so sorry OP x

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