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Not coping with my missed miscarriage. When to try again

(11 Posts)
2littleangles Thu 25-Jul-13 18:34:31

Just over a week ago I found out at my dating scan I had, had a missed miscarriage with twins. One stop developing at 6 weeks the other at 8 weeks. On Monday I had to have a ERCP.
I am finding it all very difficult to deal with, I am totally heart broken and feel so empty inside. I no everyone is different but how long did it take you to start feeling better about things?
And also when did you start trying again, I'm so worried about falling pregnant and it happening again, I feel like I won't be able to enjoy my next pregnancy as I will be so scared.
Any advice would be really appreciated xx

shellmck Thu 25-Jul-13 19:05:08

Hi 2littleangles sorry you lost your babys, I MMC in april at 17 weeks, I also found it very difficult to deal with and felt like I was stuck in a huge bubble for weeks. At one point I felt like id never be happy again. The pain and heart ache does ease though. We decided to TTC again at the beginning of june and have just found out we are 5 weeks pregnant. To my surprise I feel really positive and im going to try my hardest to put the worries behind me. Good luck.

2littleangles Thu 25-Jul-13 19:16:28

Thank you for your reply shellmck. I'm so sorry for your loss but so happy to hear you have fallen again.
It just hurts so much, I really do feel like I will never get over this and it scares me so much. It has only been 9 days so I no I have a long way to go but it's nice to hear it does get easier.
Congratulations and sending you lots of luck x

katherine12345 Thu 25-Jul-13 19:38:40

im so sorry to hear what your going through, ive just had an m/c an feel the same, u are not alone! wish i could be of more help, i know its tuff and i understand the empty feeling! with time im sure things will feel better x

Bezza2508 Thu 25-Jul-13 19:59:48

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. I found out last Friday that I had had a MMC and I had an ERPC on Tuesday. I can completely empathise with how you're feeling at the moment. I have literally felt like my heart is breaking at times over the last week. It is so difficult. I have been wondering when I will feel better and I have also been worried about returning to work etc but I am trying to take it one day at a time.

I want to try and conceive again as soon as possible but I also know I need to give myself time to feel better. X

Bakingtins Thu 25-Jul-13 20:04:10

You will get over it, or at least it gets easier with time. It's still very early days for you. Don't put any pressure on yourself to be better in any fixed timescale, there's a process of grieving that you need to move through at your own pace, and sometimes you feel better for a while then something sets you back a bit. Give yourself space to be sad about the babies you've lost and the future you planned as a family that will now be different. I found it helpful to plan some positive things to look forward to, and also to do something in memory of the babies.
I think TTC again can actually be very helpful, it's an aspect of moving on and trying to be positive about the future. Most doctors advise you to wait until you've had a period before trying again, mainly for the purposes of accurately dating a future pregnancy. When you are ready there are lovely threads here for ladies TTC after miscarriage, and a grads thread on pregnancy when you succeed where everyone will understand your anxiety.

2littleangles Thu 25-Jul-13 22:51:13

It's comforting to know I'm not on my own and also that what I am feeling is normal. I am also very sorry to hear of your losses.

I really don't want to wait too long before trying again as I think it will ease the pain, but as I said before I am so terrified of it happening again.

Thank you for your kind words and advice, it has really helped me this evening. xx

Limelight Thu 25-Jul-13 23:57:45

Hello! I couldn't not comment on this OP. I don't often come to these boards but my twins would have been 3 today had they lived. I found out at my 12 week scan that they had stopped developing at around 8 weeks and I'd had an MMC. I also had an ERPC. I hope you're doing as well as you can and have good people around you.

It was an earth shattering experience. I still think about the twins and miss and grieve for them. I was in a daze for a while afterwards and found it very difficult to move forwards. The remainder of my 'pregnancy' was very hard - you obviously have all of these plans and a very clear timetable of what your life is supposed to be like at any given moment.

People don't know what to say to you and quite often don't say anything at all. But they are your children and that doesn't change because you're not going to be with them as they grow up and become adults.

Mostly I just wanted to say that it does get easier. Not that you get over it, you don't. Or that you forget, that will never happen. But I found a place for them - I'm not religious at all, but I 'gave' them to my late DGF to care for. He died when I was pregnant with my eldest DS and it felt right that he should look after my little ones until I can be with them. So when I think about them, they're with him in his greenhouse picking tomatoes. It's probably a bit mad, but it helps. DH and I also decided that we wouldn't 'remember' the miscarriage but would quietly celebrate their due date as their birthday. We don't do much. Usually it's just a conversation or a moment together.

I was pg again very quickly and now have my DD who is 2.5. She doesn't replace them but it helped I think. My pregnancy was a bit of a daze and I was certainly more edgy than I was during my first pregnancy. But we got there, and she's beautiful.

So I hope you're ok and I'm so sorry that you lost your twins. I can honestly tell you that the feelings I have for the DC who aren't here are every bit as strong as the ones I have for the DC who are. I don't know if you have any other DC but you are the mother of twins, even if they're not with you. I found a strength in that and I hope you do too.

Look after yourself. brew

2littleangles Sat 27-Jul-13 09:00:52

Thank you for your reply Limelight. I am so sorry to hear about your twins, it sounds pretty much exactly what has happened to me.
I have lots of support around me DH has been amazing, he has been so stronge for me but I know he's really struggling as well and just putting on a brave face.

It has honestly been the worst couple of weeks of my life. Some mornings I wake up and think I'm feeling better today and then suddenly the tight feeling comes across my chest and all the pain comes back.
You are so right about the plans and timetable, it makes it even worse that my best friend is due 3 weeks before me, I really want to be there for her and I will be, but its going to be so so hard and a constant reminder of what I have lost. I wish I could just sleep for the next 6 months until its all over.

That's such a nice thought that they are up there with your DGF and being looked after by him, it must bring so much comfort to you. It's weird since Monday I have had 2 white butterflies in my garden and I like to think its the twins letting me know they are ok.
Myself and DH are going to get a plant for the garden today in memory of the twins, I just feel I need something to look after which will be part of them.

It's nice to hear that it didn't take long for you to get pg again, like you say it doesn't replace what you have lost but helps take the pain away.
A part of me wants to try straight away but I am so so worried about it happening again. This was our first pg.

Thank you again for your reply, it really does help and its nice to be able to talk to people who have been through it themselves. X

KoalaFace Sat 27-Jul-13 09:14:27

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had a MMC which I discovered at 12 weeks when I started to bleed heavily. Baby had stopped developing at 6.5 weeks. This was over Easter weekend. I was devastated and couldn't stop crying for a long time.

DH and decided that we would try to conceive in May and I am now 10 weeks pregnant. It was very soon and I understand why people decide to wait before trying again but for me I knew the longer I waited, the more I would build it up in my mind and get into a state about trying.

We had a private early scan at 7 weeks and there was a lovely, strong heartbeat which has helped to allay our fears. I am still nervous for the 12 week scan and every little twinge makes me worry but I'm hoping after the 1st trimester I'll be more confident that everything will be okay.

There is no right or wrong way for you to grieve OP. Allow yourself to feel how you feel and be kind to yourself. I'm thinking of you.

Kasterborous Sat 27-Jul-13 22:47:43

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Miscarriage is horrible. Everyone is different in how long it is before they feel able to try again.

After my first miscarriage it took me six months to try again. After the second it took eight months. Then we had a further four miscarriages, each time I was pregnant I was terrified. They were all before twelve weeks.

But after five years our seventh pregnancy resulted in the birth of our Daughter in March last year. For the first twenty weeks of the pregnancy I was on tenterhooks.

Even though we have our longed for child those miscarriages are still with us, I still think about them. Not often but they are still part of us, the thing is we have learnt to live with them.

Only you know what is right for you, you might feel sad for a while yet. You may have days when it just hits you out of the blue. You need to give yourself time to grieve. It does get easier with time, and it is natural to be terrified of it happening again.

I hope you are okay, and good luck for the future

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